Page 78 of Waiting to Lose
As Jake turned his head, feeling the sting from the blow of her hand and her words, the pain became too much to bear. He was hurt and angry. Did she ever believe a word he’d said to her? Why was this happening to him?
He kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t look at her. He was exhausted and more emotional than he’d been in his life. “You never believed me, did you? All those times I kissed you and touched you. You never believed I loved you.”
He opened his eyes. She needed to see what was inside. If eyes were the window to the soul, then maybe seeing what was in his would help her to understand what he was feeling. And if she didn’t want him, he needed to see it, not just hear her say the words. As he did, his eyes began to well with tears. As many times as he’d explained his devotion to her and as many times as she’d said she knew, she really never really got it. If she understood the depth of his feelings for her, she never would have questioned a word he’d said. He knew that his lies about Peter had made her doubt him and made this situation even more difficult to believe. A tear fell down his cheek, and she took a quick breath as her eyes met his again.
“I don’t know why someone would do this to me,” he continued. “Why would someone want to hurt me like this? What would they possibly have to gain by taking away the one thing that made me happy? Why?” His words came out in a pained voice as another tear shuddered down his cheek. He pushed it away and rose up from the floor.
Her eyes followed his movement and she seemed so afraid. Her eyes began to fill with her own tears.
“You just don’t love me the way I love you,” he said. “If you did, you’d know this couldn’t possibly be true.”
She took fast, labored breaths as she watched his lips move and listened to his words. He could feel his heart breaking. Maybe he couldn’t convince her because she was never really his to begin with. He pinched his eyes under his glasses, placed his hands back into his pockets, and moved toward the door.
“I… I just could never understand...” she started, “how someone like you, could want someone like me.”
He turned to face her. “You don’t see what I see,” he said. “Do you realize that I’ve never given myself so fully to anyone as I have to you? I live and breathe you. Every day and every night, you’re the center of my existence.”
“I am?” she asked as a tear flitted down her face.
“Oh God, Madi,” he said in pure frustration. “What do I have to do to make you see how much I love you?”
“I don’t know,” she said as she stood in front of him. Her hand briefly lifted as if she might touch him, but she pulled away. The pain from the possibility of her touch and then lack of it was just too much. His breath labored with her latest blow.
“But the pictures,” she said.
“Not real. Not really me. Never me. Never,” he said in a hush, his eyes frozen into hers. Deep blue to deep brown, like where the ocean meets the side of a cliff.
“Not you?” she asked, panting as if she were begging the words to be real.
“Not me,” he said as his foot touched hers.
“You wouldn’t?” she asked with hope.
“I couldn’t!” he said as he moved forward slightly and pressed his leg into hers.
“You promised me you’d never lie,” she said in a hush.
“And I haven’t. I kept my promise. Please tell me you believe me… believe in me? If you can’t trust your eyes, can you trust your heart?” he pleaded.
She closed her eyes and bent her head back as she attempted to breathe through her nose. He could see the roll of her throat as she swallowed. His eyes squeezed shut. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe this was all just a bad dream. He unclenched his eyes to see her staring at him.
“No more lies. No more trying to protect me?”
He pursed his lips as he watched her. “I promised not to keep anything from you, and I kept that promise. But I can’t and won’t promise not to protect you.”
She took a deep breath and blinked at him several times, as if her eyes were flickering to adjust to a new filter, or a new way to see him.
“Okay,” she nodded.
“Okay what?” he asked with dread covered in a crispy coating of hope.
“I’ll trust you. I’ll believe in you. Because I always have believed in you, and I desperately want you to be who I think you are. I want it to be true.”
He leaned forward and pressed his head into hers. “Don’twantit to be true.Knowit is.”
Madi paused as she rested her head against his. She took long, deep breaths and seemed to be thinking things through. “I do. Iknowit,” she whispered.
He sighed and swallowed hard, as if her words coated his throat.
