Page 59 of Waiting to Lose
Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, as Madi lay in her bed with Kendra wrapped around her like a blanket. She didn’t know how long she’d been crying, but her body felt weak and weary. Her nose drained down her face as her chest heaved in waves. Just when she thought she might stop, another wave came and she cried again. She pictured his face and the knife twisted deeper. She replayed Allison’s words in her head and she felt like a fool. She’d never known intense misery like this before. Even when she’d broken her arm, the pain paled in comparison. She’d take ten broken arms over the burning that infiltrated every cell of her being, like a disease. She’d never imagined it could hurt this much. Even before, when she’d left him, it didn’t hurt like this. It seemed the knowledge of what it felt to have his love and lose it was worse than never having it at all. There was another side to love. This was hate. She hated him for betraying her, even though most of her was still desperately in love with him. Two sides of a coin. Love and hate. She never knew it was possible to feel both at the same time.
Kendra lifted her head and kissed Madi’s cheek as she leaned forward and wiped her nose, telling her to blow. Madi did as she was told before she started to cry again. The room was dark, and she couldn’t even see her own hands. It was fitting. Madi felt like she was in hell. And isn’t hell the absence of light? Jake was her light, and now she would forever live in the darkness that could only be known as the lack of his presence. More importantly, the lack of his love.
“I’m just going to turn on a light,” Kendra said as she hoisted herself off the bed. Madi suddenly felt cold and began to shiver as the waves of pain threatened once again. Her head rose slowly as she twisted her legs to the edge of the bed, swinging them over the side and standing.
“Do you need to use the bathroom?” Kendra asked as she rubbed her arm.
Madi shook her head as she made her way back to the center of torture, otherwise known as her laptop.
“No, Madi! Don’t do this…” Kendra pleaded.
Madi angled to face her. “I need to see. I need to see it all,” she cried in a hush.
“Don’t do this to yourself. He’s not worth it. He’s a piece-of-shit scumbag, Mads. He doesn’t deserve you or your tears.”
As the tears began once again, Madi spoke in between sobs. “I… don’t… know... what else… to… do. I need to… know… it all… Need to see… with my eyes… that he really… did… this. That… he really… did… this to… us… to me.”
Kendra scooted next to her on the chair and hugged her tightly as Madi opened the remaining emails. Ten more emails, plus the ten she’d already seen. Each a different picture of Jake and Allison having sex.
By the last picture, Madi had stopped crying. She stared at the last close-up of them kissing for several minutes before she gently closed the laptop and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
Kendra eyed her tentatively, not knowing what was happening.
“Let me stand,” she asked.
Kendra released her arms from Madi’s chest and stood, allowing Madi the room to get her footing.
Madi reached over her desk and grabbed a tie. She carefully pulled her hair into a ponytail before tightening it at the roots.
She lifted her eyes to see Kendra staring at her intently. “I’m alright… I’m okay now. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
“No, you’re not, but you will be. This is going to pass, Mads. I promise you, the pain will eventually be easier to bear. I’ve been there. It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s late. I know you have an early class. You can go. I’ll be fine.”
“Oh no you don’t. I’m staying here tonight and every night thereafter until I believe you.”
“Ken…”
“Don’t argue with me. I love you, Madi. I know you, and I know you’re hurting while desperately trying to be strong. I’m so fucking proud of you, but I’m staying. Not another word, k?”
Madi nodded as she hugged herself. “I’m going to take a shower. I need to stand under the hot water. I’m so cold.”
Kendra pulled her robe from the back of the door, as well as her shower caddy, and led Madi out the door. Rob sat staring at his phone, but flew out of his seat the moment he saw them. “She’s taking a shower,” Kendra explained with a nod of her head.
Madi couldn’t look at Rob. She could just imagine the pity in his eyes, and she didn’t need to see it to know it was there. She could feel the energy of it all around her. She was the lead float in a pity parade.
Madi leaned against the wall in the shower and let the hot water rush over her aching bones. She wasn’t sure if the pain in her chest came from repeatedly heaving or from the knife that was permanently stationed in her heart. She would never love anyone or trust anything again. Never. Again.
