Page 31 of Waiting to Lose
Jake stepped toward her with his hands raised. His eyes were nervous, and Madi could see the veins in his neck strain as he spoke.
“I knew you’d want to know, but I also knew you’d worry. I’d already given you too many things to think about, and I didn’t want fear to be another. I knew as long as you were in Chicago, you were safe, but I wanted Nate there to make sure. I never counted on the fact that you would trick him and manage to make your way here unnoticed.”
Madi crossed her arms over her chest as she visibly shuddered.
“Are you cold? Let me get you something. Just don’t move.”
“Where would I go, Jake?”
Jake sighed heavily as he turned to the closet and pulled out a blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders. “Please sit down,” he asked.
Madi was overwhelmed by the smell of Jake from the blanket as he draped it over her shoulders. She slowly sat down and then scooted back as Jake sat a little too close. She needed a moment to process, and having him so near was not good for her ability to think clearly.
“Don’t push me away. I know you’re angry with me. After I made the decision to lie, I regretted it. I convinced myself that I was doing what was best for you. I planned on telling you everything when I saw you at Thanksgiving. I would have told you sooner had I thought there would be any threat to your immediate safety. You have to know that I only did this because I thought I was protecting you.”
“You lied to me, multiple times,” she stated in disbelief.
“Yes,” he whispered, not taking his eyes off of her.
“You like having control, don’t you?”
“This isn’t about control,” he said in an aggravated tone.
“Sure it is. You like knowing you’re in charge. You like making decisions for me, and for everyone, without giving anyone the chance to have any input of their own.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He stood, lifting his hands through his hair in an exasperated huff. “I was only trying to do what was best for you.”
Madi jumped up from her seat, tossing the blanket on the couch in anger as she began to pace the room. “You were trying to do what’s best for me? Don’t you think I would want to knowyoucould be in danger? Do you think all those times I begged you to tell me what was wrong that I didn’t really want the truth? Didn’t we promise never to lie to each other? How could you lie to me night after night and not know that I would be heartbroken over your lack of faith in me? Do you think I’m so weak and frail that I would have collapsed and given up on my studies and school over some deadbeat loser? How many times did I ask you—beg you—to tell me the truth? How can I ever believe another thing you say?”
Her brows furrowed as she spoke, and her hands flew around her in an angry huff. “Do you think I wouldn’t have been able to function? I could have handled it; I’m a big girl. I don’t need your protection from the truth.” Madi stood with her hands on her hips, awaiting his response.
“I said I’m sorry. I knew it was wrong to lie. I hated myself for it. I really did what I thought was best for you.”
“Best for me? Somehow you thought lying to me was best for me? Knowing that I question everything? That I question you? That I question every report of your infidelity? How am I supposed to believe anything you say? Are you lying to me about your little nurse maid, too?”
She watched the frustration in Jake’s eyes slowly dissipate as she spoke. A slow smile tugged at his lips before he was grinning and trying to cover it up.
“Little nurse maid?” he asked. His amusement made her angrier as he attempted to stifle a small laugh that escaped his lips.
Madi leapt toward him and pushed him. He didn’t move an inch. “Stop laughing at me. This isn’t funny. I can’t believe you. You’re such an ass!” Madi pushed away from him once more and darted down the hall, locking herself in her old room.
After turning the handle without success, Jake tapped his knuckles gently on the door. “Madi, I’m sorry for laughing. You’re just feisty and I’ve missed it. I miss the way you yell at me and tell me how faulty my reasoning is. There is not now, nor will there ever be, anything between me and any other woman. I know I’m misguided. I underestimated your strength once again.”
There were a few seconds of quiet and Madi heard him sigh. “You’re right. I should have told you. When he was released, I felt like I’d failed you. I should never have lied. I was wrong. Youcantrust me. I’ve never lied to you before and I never will again. I should know better than to think you’d be scared by the truth. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known. In my own messed-up mind, I really thought it was best. I can see now, especially after tonight, how important it is for you to know everything. From here on out, I will never keep anything from you. I wouldn’t blame you for never trusting me again.”
Madi could almost imagine his hands in his hair as he spoke. She could hear the pain in his voice. Madi rested her head on the door as she listened to his words. He wasn’t laughing, and she could tell he was sincere. His last few words tugged at her heart and she realized she needed to see his face. She unlocked the door and found him leaning on the frame with his elbows, forehead most likely against the door. She glanced up into his eyes and found them staring at her intently. Not a shred of amusement was left in his expression.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“You really thought you’d somehow failed me?” she questioned.
“It’s what I do,” he said with a sigh. “I fail the people that mean the most to me.”
Madi reached up and touched the soft stubble of his cheek, and he turned his lips into her touch, gently kissing the palm of her hand.”
“I’m sorry for laughing,” he began. “This isn’t funny. I’ve been dreading this conversation for days, knowing I was risking everything by keeping this from you. I just can’t help myself when it comes to you. You bring out emotions and feelings in me that don’t make any sense.”
“You didn’t fail me. You’ve never failed me and you never could.”
