Page 7 of Lusting for the Duke's Kiss
Just do it, she told herself fiercely.
She took a deep breath. “I have been thinking long and hard about my future,” she started, gazing from one to the other.
They both looked up from their soup.
“What do you mean, dear?” asked her mother in a distracted voice.
“I do not wish to burden you for an indefinite period,” she continued, her heart racing harder. “All of this has been so unexpected. I appreciate the fact that you both have helped me, in my worst of moments, but I do not wish to reside at Hillsworth House for the rest of my life.”
They both looked stunned.
“Henrietta,” said her father, frowning. “There is simply nowhere else for you to go at the moment. And you are safe and protected in our home. It isyourhome, too. Never forget that.”
She took another deep breath. “I know, and I am so very grateful for it. But I have made a decision.” She paused momentarily. “I have decided that I wish to join a convent. I wish to become a nun.”
If they had looked stunned before, it was as nothing compared to the shock on their faces now. For a moment, no one spoke.
“A nun?” her mother whispered, looking horrified. “You wish to join a religious order, for the rest of your life?”
Hetty nodded. “I do, Mama.”
“Henrietta,” said her father, his frown deepening. “This is utter madness. I understand that you desire to escape from what has happened, but this is not the answer …”
“Papa,” she interrupted. “With respect, I believe it is very much the answer. I would live a life of contemplation and service. It would be a selfless path, and it is one that I desire very much.”
Her mother looked doubtful. “Hetty, you have no vocation,” shesaid, in a shocked voice. “You are not called by God for such a life. It would stifle you …”
She felt another flash of irritation. “Mama, I must disagree with you. While I am not the most pious of ladies, my faith in God is absolute. What could be nobler than sacrificing one’s own ego at the altar?”
“It is not about that, my girl,” said her father tartly. “Your mother is right. You have no vocation for such a life. You never once mentioned a calling to it prior to your marriage.” He paused, gazing at her intently. “You are hurt and grieving, Hetty. That scoundrel Blackmore did you wrong. But running away to a convent – throwing your life away – is wrong. You would regret it for the rest of your days …”
“What else is open to me?” she burst out, feeling on the verge of tears. “I do not wish to be dependent on you forever. I am an abandoned wife with no hope of ever marrying again. Must I sit here, every day of my life, withering away, through lack of purpose?” She took a deep, ragged breath. “This is the only course available for me, where I could lead a somewhat fulfilling life. If I stay here, I am forever branded as the deserted wife, enshrouded in scandal. I cannot endure it …”
Her parents were silent, gazing at her sadly.
“Please,” she begged, fighting back the tears. “I know that this is hard for you to understand. But I am a grown woman, and it grieves me, feeling as if I am trapped like a dragonfly in amber in this house.” Shepaused. “You have both raised me to be an independent thinker, despite my sex. I am grateful for it. And that independence of thought is what brings me to this choice, now. I am capable of making decisions about my own life.”
Her mother picked up her napkin, dabbing her eyes. Her father continued to gaze at her sorrowfully. A weight of emotion fell over the table, so thick that it was almost like a black cloud.
She did not want to hurt her parents or make them feel that they had not done the very best for her in this awful situation. They had. But appeasing them was not what she could focus on at the moment. And she should have a say in how her own life was going to unfurl, from this point onwards.
She understood their concerns, particularly about whether she was suitable for the life of a nun. She knew that they were only trying to save her from a potentially wrong decision made in the heat of the moment. But it was not their decision to make, and they had to understand that.
“Perhaps you should sleep on it a little further,” said her father eventually. “Do not rush into anything, Hetty. There is no time frame. You might feel very differently about it in a few weeks’ time, than now. I know that you think you will not, but it is possible.”
Hetty nodded cautiously. “I will reflect on it further, but I must stress that I am resolved to this path,” she said slowly. “Do I have your permission, at least, to write to some convents, to enquireabout the possibility? I promise that I shall weigh up all options carefully.”
Her father nodded. “You can enquire if that is what you desire,” he said, frowning a little. “There is no harm in that. I just do not want you to commit to this path immediately. Will you promise me that?”
Hetty sighed deeply. “I promise, Papa. And thank you for your understanding.” She looked down into her half-eaten soup bowl. She had lost her appetite. “Could I be excused from the table?”
Her father nodded. “Of course.”
Her mother refused to look at her. Hetty could see she was still struggling not to cry.
Her heart lurched. Her mother had wanted her only daughter married. She had hoped that she would have grandchildren one day. She had been looking forward to it so very much.
And now, that hope was gone, forever. Just as her own hopes and dreams were gone, as well.
