Page 44 of Enthralled in the Governess' Gaze
It was a fact that he could not soon forget.
Chapter 24
That night, Victoria lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her mind was racing, and she could not fall asleep. She could not make sense of what had happened between her and Lord Harford in the library. He had kissed her…no, it had not been a mere kiss. It had been so much more than that, and it made her blush to think of where it could have led.
But he had stopped it. Victoria was not certain if she was more ashamed of herself for not being the one to put an end to things or disappointed that Lord Harford had been the one to pull away.
Her own shame she could understand, but the disappointment? Where in the world was that coming from?
Lord Harford was confusing her more and more, and truth be told, her reactions to him were just as baffling to her. She might not be a lady anymore, but she knew better than to throw herself at a man. How shameless could she be?
Shaking her head, she turned onto her side and willed herself to go to sleep. Prayed for it, even, yet every time she closed her eyes, their encounter played before her.
It was haunting her, and she did not know how to escape it. How to escape him.
She could not have him. She could not tell him who she was or where she had really come from. There was no hope of them ever being together, so there was no point in her dwelling on whatever attraction lay between them.
Whatever disappointment she felt needed to be pushed away. There was no point to it. It was a good thing that Lord Harford had ended things in the library before they got out of hand. She swore to herself it would not happen again. She would not allow herself to be put in a position where her self-control and honour were put on the line. Not for a man she could never actually be with.
It was not worth the ruin. It was not worth the heartbreak.
Victoria reminded herself that she was not meant for marriage…not that Lord Harford would have her. If he married, it would be to a lady of standing and influence. Not to a governess.
A servant.
A nobody.
She needed to remember that was what she was now. A nobody…especially when compared to him.
Curling into a tight ball, she tried to ignore the pang in her chest as she forced herself to embrace the lonely fate she had chosen for herself.
***
Over the next few days, Victoria threw herself into her duties caring for Lily. Truth be told, she went a bit overboard in doing so. She tried to fill every minute of her day with Lily. She would help the girl get up and dressed, even though a maid could easily do so.
Victoria would accompany Lily to breakfast and to her lessons and went out of her way to come up with entertaining activities during the girl’s free time. They spent lunchtime together, and if it would not have been perceived as rude for her to do so, Victoria would have happily forgone dinner with the other adults in order to eat that meal with Lily as well.
Dinners made her nervous. The first evening after her and Lord Harford’s encounter in the library, Victoria had been so anxious to go down to dinner and face him her hands had been shaking uncontrollably. She had clutched her skirts to try and hide the trembling as she had walked into the dining room.
It had been a great relief when she saw that Lord Harford was not there that night. She had managed to relax and enjoy the evening with Mrs Radcliffe and the Duke and Duchess. To her surprise, Lord Harford did not appear at dinner the next few nights either. In fact, she quickly realized that he was spending quite a bit of the days away from the house.
Avoiding her again? Most likely, but she was in no position to complain. It was for the best, after all.
Still, when she thought about him trying to intentionally stay away from her, she felt that pang in her chest again. When that sensation hit her, she would quickly try to distract herself with Lily.
It was about five days after she and Lord Harford had embraced in the library when Mrs Radcliffe approached Victoria one afternoon with a curious expression on her face.
“Miss Clifford, can I ask…is everything all right?”
Victoria blinked at her, confused. They were in the garden, having just finished an outdoor picnic. Victoria was helping to clean up while Lily played a short distance away with her grandparents.
“What do you mean, ma’am?” Victoria asked, straightening and handing the plates she had picked up to a maid, who carried them away.
Mrs Radcliffe regarded her a moment with a small frown.
“Forgive me,” she said at length. “It is just…I have noticed that you have been quite occupied with your duties the last few days. Not that I am complaining, mind you. I just want to make sure everything is going well for you.”
Victoria felt her cheeks heat, and she glanced away, trying to act as though she were just busying herself with the cleanup so Mrs Radcliffe could not see her reaction.
