Page 42 of Accidentally Falling
“Maybe,” she concedes, “but we’re a lot of fun. Speaking of fun, how are things with Jude?”
“They’re fine?” I don’t mean it to come out as a question, but I’m not totally sure what’s going on. “He’s been at my house a lot since he found out about the baby. We’redating.”
I parrot the words he said before butare we really?
He comes over and cooks for me, we watch movies with Dez or talk, have sex, and then most times I kick him out.
“You kick him out?” Nessa says, startling me.
Did I say that out loud?
“Um, yes? We’re not living together and I’m not just going to jump into something with him because I’m having his baby. If it works and it lasts, I want it to be becausewewant it to be, not because we have to.” This time I know I say the words because I’m met with a lot of wide-eyed expressions. “What?”
“Just make sure you’re not trying to sabotage things because of your parents,” Ellison says pointedly.
“I’m not doing that.” Nessa takes a sip of her drink and I narrow my eyes. “I’m not.”
“Fine, you’re not,” she says. “But I think I speak for most of us here as strong, capable women. We sometimes forget it’s all right to lean on someone and show them our flaws and vulnerabilities.”
“Wow.” Lana says on a breathy sigh. “That was beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Nessa waves her off. “I thought it was better than saying we’re all screwed up so don’t obsess over your past or you’ll fuck up your future.”
“That does have a certain ring to it,” Bea teases.
“Just to clarify,” Cal says, holding up a paperback. “We’re not talking about the book, only Arden’s baby daddy?”
“Yes,” they all say at the same time I sayno.
“Works for me,” he says with a shrug and a smug smile.
“It’s not as if you read it anyway,” Ellison hisses and he laughs.
“I read the first half and then went to the reviews for the spoilers.”
Ella gasps. “You monster.”
“I wear that badge proudly.” Cal sniffs, the room erupting into the pros and cons of his reading tactics.
I appreciate the distraction, the hiatus from my situation with Jude giving me a second to breathe.
I’m still getting used to the fact that I’m growing this little being inside me. I’m not maternal and that scares me more than anything.What if I fail? What if I don’t do it right?
I’m not worried about whether Jude will be a great father. I’m worried I won’t be able to give this baby everything they need—everything they deserve. It’s terrifying, the doubt creeping in and erasing all the progress I’ve made in believing that I can, in fact, do this.
And because the universe has a sense of humor, my phone buzzes in my pocket, andlike a fool,I take it out and stare at the message.
MOM: Arden, I know you’re still upset with me, but I just wanted you to know I love you and I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you—please call me
I blinkat the words staring back at me, my unease feeling justified in this moment.I’ve only ever wanted what’s best foryou. The hurt is almost indescribable, the doubt flooding every cell in my body.
Mood soured, I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. I need to get out of here. The door is barely shut before I’m pulling up a new message.
ARDEN: Come get me
JUDE: Are you okay?
No.
