Page 58 of Accidentally Falling
“How are you feeling?” Her eyes drop to my stomach, and I instinctively put a hand over my belly.
“She’s doing great.”
“She.” My mother’s eyelids flutter closed for only a second before opening, her green eyes watery with tears. “That’s wonderful.”
“Is it?” I ask as Dez leans against my leg, his weight grounding me.
“Arden, I never wanted to hurt you.”
It’s such a placating thing to say, the words merely an overused sentiment, one I’ve parroted over the years. This time, though, it grates on me, my hackles rising as I’m once again facing off with theoneperson in this whole world who promised to always be there for me.
“But you did. Youdidhurt me, and I took it out on Jude who hasneverdone anything but try to make things better—easier—and who honestly treats me like a queen. But I can’t handle that because my father wasn’t around growing up and I saw what that did to you. And now, I’m terrified it’s going to happen to me and my baby.”
“Arden.”
“Our situation isnothinglike yours, and I’m thankful for that, but it doesn’t stop me from believing the other shoe is about to drop.”
“So it’s my fault?” she snaps.
“That’s the example I had growing up, and I’m trying like hell not to sabotage my own life like you did yours.”
“I’m trying, Arden,” she bites out before swallowing hard and smoothing her hands down her cream blouse. “I told Evan I need some time.”
“You broke up with Dad? Why? After all the years of waiting,pining, being with him is what you wanted.”
The wordsif you hadn’t dated him none of this would have happenedare on the tip of my tongue.
But I can’t say them.
Because I wouldn’t have this little baby growing inside me. I wouldn’t haveher.Or Jude or Deacon—I wouldn’t have any of them.
“I love him,” she admits but it sounds pained. “I just love you more and I can’t be here for you and be with him.”
“Okay, well, I don’t want that and I’m sure he doesn’t either. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”
“It’s not about him.”
“Of course it is!” I cry, thinking of the way Jude and Deacon essentially kidnapped the man and delivered him to me. “He wasn’t there for you and that’s awful but heishere for me—he’s trying. You said he didn’t know about me and you forgave him for it. You can’t just take it back because I’m pregnant and not married. People do it all the time.”
“Arden—”
“Andlike I already told you,this”—I motion toward my belly—“is different. Jude is in this with me. He’s excited and supportive. We’re creating our own family.”
“I just wanted better for you than I had.”
“But you didn’t try to make it better foryouwhile I was growing up. You never dated, you put all your focus on me, and I appreciate it. I do. But you sacrificed so much of your happiness carrying a torch for Dad. Andnowyou have him. You love him and he loves you and you’re creating a life together, but you can’t do that because of the lifeI’mcreating?”
“I don’t want to fight with you. I came here to help you understand the choices I have to make for myself right now. I can’t focus on Evan; what if something happens and you need me?”
“Jude will take care of me.”
“He is not?—”
“Donotfinish that sentence. He’s the father of my child and he’s never wavered in where he stands, and I’m not choosing between him and you and Dad. I won’t do it.”
“I’m not asking you to choose. I’m telling you thatIneed time from Evan to see things more clearly.”
“So do that, but I’m not going to be a part of it. Ican’tbe a part of it and how dare you throw inif something happenslike Jude is going to up and leave. Like I don’t have a family and friends here that would drop everything to be with me. You don’t get to throw my fears in my face; you don’t get to put doubt in my head.”
