Page 42 of For One Moment With You
With a couple of months before the babies were due, I threw myself into decorating, helped by Lizzie who made it very clear what she thought about Gareth.
‘He fricking doesn’t deserve this,’ she said, sanding a door even more ferociously.
‘I’m trying not to think of it like that,’ I said. ‘I’m thinking of the twins.’
She stopped sanding, then turned to look at me. ‘It’s so exciting.’ Her eyes were bright as they wandered to the expanse of my belly. ‘You have two babies in there,’ she said with wonder, as if she’d only just found out. ‘That husband of yours better come to his senses, or he’ll have me to answer to.’
In my bubble of impending motherhood, I didn’t stop to consider that maybe Gareth felt trapped. That he, too, felt our marriage had been a mistake. That his carefree life as a young man had transited overnight into responsible adulthood, and albeit for different reasons, he was struggling every bit as much as I was.
Oh, to see ourselves as others see us. But isn’t everything easier retrospectively? As I observe the single-mindedness of our younger selves, I glimpse our inability to see things from each other’s point of view. The quickly formed opinions we chose not to question: mine that Gareth was shallow; Gareth’s, that I was selfish for wanting what he didn’t.
* * *
As my pregnancy went on, I told myself that once the twins were born, Gareth wouldn’t be able to resist them. He’d wonder what he’d made such a fuss about. And now and then, usually after a few beers, he’d apologise, explaining he was scared about what parenthood would do to our lives. I tried to persuade him he’d feel differently when the babies were born. But if anything, the distance between us was growing wider.
One night when he came in late, I was sitting in the kitchen crocheting a baby’s blanket. The dark look that crossed his face sent shivers down my spine.
‘We need to talk, Gareth,’ I said quietly. ‘I can’t go on like this.’
‘Not now,’ he said shortly, turning his back on me. ‘I’ve had a long day.’
‘So have I.’ I paused. He seemed to forget that as well as working, I was growing our babies. ‘Gareth? Do you want a divorce?’
He froze in the doorway. Then he turned to look at me. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘Can’t you answer my question?’ I put down my crochet. ‘It’s obvious you don’t want to be with me.’
‘I’m in a situation I never wanted.’ He couldn’t meet my eyes.
‘You’ve made that all too clear. But it doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to be parents.’ I got up and fetched a glass of water. ‘You should have told me how you really felt before the wedding.’
‘I did,’ he said heatedly.
‘You didn’t.’ I tried not to sound angry. ‘What you said was you didn’t want children straight away. That it would be better if we waited a few years. You said we needed a bigger house, which thanks to my parents, we now have.’ It was all true. ‘But it was never about the house, was it?’
‘What would you have done if I had told you before the wedding?’ he said coldly. ‘Cancelled it?’
I was silent for a moment. ‘Maybe I would have,’ I said quietly. ‘But there’s no point going over it again. You’ve made it abundantly clear how you feel about becoming a father, even though you are going to be one and there’s nothing you can do about it. I suppose what it comes down to is, I’ve had enough of being treated like this.’
‘You’ve had enough?’ He stared at me. ‘You have a nerve, Tilly. You’re absolutely right – there is nothing I can do about this. But it was you who presented me with this… this…situation, and just expected me to be happy about it.’
‘This situation is not entirely of my doing.’ I was starting to get upset. ‘My eggs, your sperm, in case you’ve forgotten…’
‘Of course I haven’t fucking forgotten.’
‘Then stop acting as though I’ve done something wrong.’ My voice was shaking. ‘In a couple of months’ time, the twins will be here.’
Gareth folded his arms. ‘I don’t need reminding.’
I fought back the urge to slap him. ‘This is crazy.’ I stared at him, wondering how I ever thought him good-looking. ‘We shouldn’t have got married, should we? It was a mistake.’
As we both stood there, his silence told me everything I needed to know.
‘I’m moving out.’ There was a lump in my throat. ‘I’ll go and stay with my parents. We can figure out what to do with the house after the babies are born.’ I held my hands protectively over my belly. ‘It’s hard enough that my body is supporting three of us at the moment. But we’re better off apart than living together like this.’
I remember Gareth saying nothing; that I would have given anything for him to have a change of heart. In the silence between us, that was what I was hoping for. But now, I know how his mind works, that he wasn’t conjuring a heartfelt apology; he was doing the maths. Working out how much money he had to lose.
‘You don’t have to,’ he said reluctantly.
