Page 32 of For One Moment With You
‘You’re telling me you’re going somewhere because of a song from the past and you don’t even know where it is? Tilly, even given your obsession with nostalgia, this is crazy.’
But I was on a roll. ‘It’s in California.’ I did know that, by the way. ‘And I happen to know British Airways fly there.’
Elena looked amazed. ‘When are you coming back?’
‘I haven’t decided.’ I was silent for a moment. ‘I suppose the whole point is I need options, El. I’m buying a one-way ticket.’ It only came to me as I spoke the words. I looked at my friend. ‘I don’t want to be tied down to anything. You see, for once, believe it or not, I know what I need to do.’ I smiled at her, because at some point over the last days and hours, I’d worked it out.
If I couldn’t have the old life I loved, the least I could do is try to rediscovermeagain.
* * *
So much for my best of intentions. After Elena left, I surveyed my rucksack somewhat dismally. I mean, I had no idea how long I was going to be away. There was no way I’d packed enough stuff.
I fetched one of our ancient suitcases – well, not so ancient it didn’t have wheels. But it was one of the earlier versions, which meant it was rather like driving a tank without the benefit of power steering. I unpacked the rucksack and repacked the contents in the suitcase, adding more clothes, including a T-shirt of Robbie’s that had a hint of his smell and an old scarf that Alex used to wear. Then I piled in some toiletries, a scented candle and my favourite pyjamas. Ridiculous, when you can buy a scented candle almost anywhere. But there was nothing like a few luxurious touches when you were far from home and it felt like the entire world was set against you.
8
There Is a Light
I feel myself pulled back to the present day; like last time, the images of the house fading, thoughts drifting from my mind like a slowly ebbing tide.
Tilly?
Through the hazy whiteness of the hospital, I hear my name.
‘Tilly?’
It’s as before. I try to force my eyelids open, to shape the faintest word on my lips. I’m aware of a hand taking hold of mine. But as I attempt to flex my fingers, nothing happens.
‘She is still not responding.’ The voice sounds distant.
As someone shines a light into one of my eyes, suddenly I’m terrified.I’m here… My mind is working,I want to cry out.But I can’t move… It’s like I’m trapped inside myself. But another thought comes to me that’s even more terrifying. What if I never recover from the fall? If my inability to move is permanent? What if I can’t tell my boys how much I love them? If I can’t hug them tightly ever again? If I never get the chance to live the rest of my life?
Another voice comes to me, startling me. It’s Lizzie’s voice.
Hold on, Tills. Don’t give up. You’re going to be OK.
9
Leaving on a Jet Plane. Almost…
Of course, when it came to the end of my marriage, there was no way anything of this magnitude was ever going to be easy, and of course, the next morning brought a reality check. One of thoseoh shit, what have I donemoments. In fact, I couldn’t remember doing anything this rash in the whole of my entire life and doubts were setting in.
A moment of desperation consumed me and in my panic, I called Tallulah.
‘I thought I knew what I was doing and now I don’t,’ I told her.
‘Tilly, you’re not making sense. Is this going to take long? I have a hair appointment I need to get to.’
‘I’m about to book a flight to San Jose,’ I said anxiously. ‘But I’m terrified I’m making a mistake.’
‘Cool.’ She sounded impressed. ‘I’d love to go there.’ She hesitated, then added, ‘Which one, by the way?’ Then before I could answer, she went on. ‘Travelling is the best thing in the world. How on earth can you even imagine it’s a mistake?’
‘Because…’ But as I racked my brains, I couldn’t think of a single reason. ‘I think I panicked,’ I said, feeling calmer again.
‘I’m sorry to rush you, but is that it?’ she asked. ‘Only I really should be going.’
‘Of course.’ I started to feel foolish. ‘Sorry to have kept you.’
