Page 28 of For One Moment With You
‘Tilly! How’s it going?’
‘Not great,’ I said. ‘Do you have a moment?’
‘Of course. So what’s up?’
‘You can probably guess,’ I said awkwardly. ‘I’m sorry to call you like this.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I was really hoping you could give me a common sense talking-to…’ I tried to inject some humour into my voice.
‘Oh Tilly.’ Tallulah was silent for a moment. ‘What’s happened?’
I tell her about Gareth sending someone to value the house.
‘Shocking of him,’ she agreed. ‘Especially without talking to you first.’ She paused. ‘Have you actually spoken – since this happened?’
‘No. I don’t want to,’ I said childishly. ‘I don’t want to see him, either.’
‘Wouldn’t it be easier? Even if only to avoid cock-ups like estate agents turning up when you’re not expecting them?’
I was silent. The thought of speaking to Gareth had no appeal whatsoever.
‘You could think of it as empowering,’ Tallulah suggested. ‘Taking the initiative, rather than doing nothing. And in a sense, you’d be facing your demons, or however you like to think of it.’
‘I’m really not sure I’m ready.’
She shrugs. ‘Fair enough. That’s up to you.’ She’s silent for a moment. ‘I’ve been thinking since I saw you in the car park – about everything that’s going on in your life. Have you considered that maybe what’s happening could be a sign?’
‘Sign?’ I felt myself frown. ‘Excuse me?’
‘Well, you know those times when everything seems to go your way? Like there’s a flow to life?’
I tried to remember a time when life felt like that. ‘I think so.’ Though truth be known, it was a long time ago.
She went on. ‘Well, right now, it’s like the opposite is happening. In simple terms, you’re being opposed, Tilly. It’s like everywhere you look, doors are closing around you.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Quite a number of them, I’d say.’
‘More like slamming in my face,’ I said shortly. ‘And thank you, but I really don’t need reminding of this.’
‘Don’t take this personally,’ she said. ‘But yes. It probably does feel like they’re slamming, rather than closing. The thing is…’ She paused. ‘Tilly, after we spoke, I got to thinking that maybe you are in the wrong place – the signs are all around you, but you’re not seeing them, so they’re getting bigger. I can understand why you feel that everything’s against you.’
I was sure someone had said that to me before – I couldn’t remember who. But maybe she had a point, I admitted reluctantly to myself. My job was one thing – though I’d tried to love it, the truth was I felt like a fish out of water. But if she was right, it meant my broken marriage was a sign that I’d wasted the last twenty-two years of my life. ‘There probably is something in what you’re saying. But the problem is, this is my life we’re talking about,’ I said. ‘It has been, for over twenty years. I don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted it.’
‘Who mentioned wasting anything? We’re talking about growing. And change,’ she said ever-so-slightly sarcastically.
‘Yes, well, I’ve always believed it’s about commitment,’ I flashed back. ‘And perseverance. My life might not be anything fancy, but at least it’s mine. And I love it.’
‘I’m so sorry. You’re quite right.’ Tallulah sounded trite. ‘But we’re back where we started, aren’t we? Because your life is going to change. It has to.’
‘Thanks, but I’m not sure this is helping.’ I blinked away my tears. ‘I should go. I have to start sorting through the house.’
‘Oh Tilly. Please don’t go – not like this. This is really tough for you – I’m under no illusions. But I’m on your side, you do know that, don’t you?’
As her words sank in, I reached my lowest point yet, my world falling apart, all my flaws and mistakes brightly illuminated by a woman who epitomised the sass and irreverence I used to have – in shedloads, as opposed to the woman I’d become. A dowdy one who was losing everything important in her life.
‘Tilly?’ she said in a gentle voice. ‘Are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ I muttered; the word stuck in my throat.
‘Look. It’s a process. It isn’t easy. But you have to trust it.’ She was quiet for a moment. ‘And believe me when I tell you you’re going to find your strength.’ She paused again. ‘You’ve got this.’
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