Page 72 of For One Moment With You
In essence, I am alone.
23
There is hope after despair and many suns after darkness.
RUMI
This is where the weirdness steps up a little. This time, there isn’t a haze around me, so much as a light, which scares me. I mean, you hear about people seeing a light as they’re dying.
I’m not dying,I tell myself. Lizzie said it isn’t my time yet, and she should know. Not that Lizzie’s here. If Iwasdying, I’m sure she would be.
Instead, my mind focuses on that last bit I mentioned, about being alone. Because what I haven’t realised until now, is that there’s a simplicity to it. And in truth, I always was alone, emotionally at least. Buzzing around, ticking off my list of everything I had to do for everyone else. In other words, distracting myself.
Out of everyone I’ve ever known, Lizzie came closest to knowing how I felt. But most of us don’t stop and wonder what’s really going on in someone else’s world. Not beyond the most surface level stuff. We don’t know the dark thoughts each other harbours; share our worries, our fears, our mistakes.
We see what we see – my lonely, unhappy dad, as an example. I can empathise, but I will never know how it feels being him; after all those years with my mum, being alone. And take Rick. Of course, he’s grieving – I completely get that. But I’ve no idea how he feels, either, deep inside; or whether the moment he stops, he feels guilty that he’s here and Lizzie isn’t. He’s probably doing the only thing he can to keep his guilt at bay. He keeps grieving.
As for Gareth… Well, the truth is, I realise Gareth was as unhappy and lonely as I was. I shouldn’t blame him for having the balls to leave. What was uncomfortable was the reminder that I didn’t have them. And if I’m honest, it needed to happen. All those tears I shed with Elena and Tallulah… They were tears from a place of uncertainty. Of hurt pride; fear – of feeling the last twenty years had been wasted; of being alone.
Which takes me back to the start. I am alone. But apart from the little pieces of us we chose to share, we are all alone.
This morning, though, not for long. ‘Tilly?’ A hand touches my shoulder, the haze starting to lift to more of a January kind of twilight.
I move my head slightly, my eyelids opening just enough to see the same nurse as earlier.
‘Hello,’ she says kindly. ‘It’s all over.’
Shit.Is she talking about my life? Is it over?
She goes on. ‘The surgery was straightforward. You must take it very easy.’ There’s a hint of a warning tone in her voice. ‘But you should very soon start to feel much better.’
Surgery? I thought I was going for a scan?But whatever it is, it’s over. Even better, I’m still here.
‘Thank you,’ I whisper. ‘Thank you,’ I’m murmuring again as I feel my eyes close.
24
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
EPICTETUS
There’s another way of looking at this. Isn’t there always another way? That once upon a time, Gareth and I worked OK together. We bought a beautiful home, had our wonderful twins. Over the years, we chiselled and shaped each other into the people we are now. In a nutshell, Gareth and I were meant to be. Just not forever.
But that’s probably true of many of us. In my biggest revelation yet, I realise that not all relationships we attach such permanence to are meant to last.
Others, however…
‘Morning.’ A large bouquet of flowers advances across the room towards me. As it’s thrust aside, Adam’s face appears. He glances around. ‘I’m not sure I’m supposed to be here.’
He’s obviously expecting to be banished again. I smile faintly. ‘It’s OK. I had surgery.’
‘I know. Alex told me. I thought he’d be here by now.’ He pauses. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘OK.’ I gaze past him towards the door as Alex appears. As he comes closer, I can see worry etched into his face. ‘Hey.’ I reach out my arms as best I can.
‘Hi, Mum.’ Leaning down, he hugs me and I breathe in the familiar scent of him. He stays there for a moment – boys are never too big for a hug. Then gently he disentangles himself. ‘Are you OK? The hospital said you had a bleed on your brain.’
‘They haven’t actually updated me yet. But the nurse said I should soon be feeling better.’
