Page 59 of For One Moment With You
‘Surgery. Then chemo.’ Lizzie’s voice was small.
‘You should have told me.’ I hated the thought of her carrying this alone – forgetting that she wasn’t alone. She had Rick.
‘I couldn’t. Not until I was sure.’
It turned out Lizzie had only found out this morning. And though two cases of cancer in our family in less than a year went way beyond the odds, as I was finding out, it happened. My mum and Lizzie were proof of that.
Coming so soon after mum’s illness, it put a whole new complexion on everything. Any concerns going on in my own life were sidelined, if not parked. I had more important things to worry about. Lizzie needed me and that took priority over everything.
I’d been worried how my dad would take the news, but after the initial shock sank in, to my surprise, he rallied. I’d go round to Lizzie’s to find a vase of tulips or freesias. ‘Rick?’ Invariably she’d shake her head. They were always from our father.
He’d clearly remembered how much they’d cheered our mum when she was ill. ‘If there’s anything I can do…’ I lost count of how many times I heard him say that. But there wasn’t anything any of us could do. All we could do was just be there, over the weeks and months that followed, knowing the treatment wasn’t working and Lizzie’s cancer was spreading.
One morning it was just the two of us – time I treasured, which was slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. At least, that was how I felt. When I got there, in her living room, Lizzie was lying on the sofa, a pastel-coloured blanket over her legs.
As I went over to her, she held out one of her hands. Taking it, I leant down and kissed her cheek. ‘How’s it going?’
‘On a scale of shitness…’ Her eyes glistened. ‘I’d say about a nine.’
My stomach tightened. Most of the way through, Lizzie had done her best to stay resolutely bright. But it was like it was in our mum’s last weeks. That instinctive sense that time was running out. ‘Can I get you anything?’
‘More days?’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘Sorry. I’m not having the best morning. Do you have time to just sit here for a while?’
‘Of course I do.’
Lizzie was silent as I pulled an armchair closer. Then once I was sitting, she went on. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Ask me anything.’
‘It’s a big ask.’ Her eyes seemed larger, her skin paler. ‘It’s about Rick. You see…’ She hesitated. ‘I really don’t think he’s going to cope too well – you know, when I…’
Die, she was going to say. But I couldn’t bear to hear her say it any more than she could form the word. ‘You don’t know that’s going to happen. Not yet. You could get a phone call about the latest wonder drug – any time.’
Her lips held the ghost of a smile. ‘Tilly, it’s too late for that.’ Her voice was weak, but there was that Lizzie strength in her words. ‘I know it’s difficult, but please… Can we just talk about if the worst happens?’
As our eyes met, so much remained unspoken between us. But there were times words weren’t needed – especially between me and Lizzie. ‘You don’t have to worry about Rick. I’ll look after him.’ It was the least I could do. And as I spoke, I could see the relief in her eyes.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
But there was something else on Lizzie’s mind. ‘Tilly? Can we talk about you?’ Her face was anxious.
‘Must we?’ I attempted to say it humorously.
‘Yes.’ Her hand reached for mine again.
Getting up, I went and sat on the floor beside the sofa. Taking both her hands this time, I gazed up at the face that was so familiar to me.
‘You are so many things to different people. You can’t deny it – I’ve watched you. You’re selfless, Tilly. You always put everyone else’s needs first. I almost didn’t ask you to look after Rick, but there isn’t anyone else.’ Her eyes didn’t leave mine. ‘I’ve never forgotten that day you met Adam. You were different.’
Tears were suddenly in my eyes as she went on.
‘He lit a spark in you. Oh Tilly… You looked so alive. I’ve often wondered what would have happened – if you’d called off the wedding. If you and Adam could have had a chance.’
I blinked away a tear. ‘Bit late, isn’t it?’
She looked anxious. ‘Have you ever thought about him?’
I sighed. ‘If this is a truth session…’ Looking at her face, I rephrased it. ‘OK. Between you and me, yes. Of course I have. So many times…’ My voice petered out. Once, Lizzie had got it out of me about Gareth’s infidelity, but only after I made her swear never to talk about it. I forced a smile. ‘But I have also thought that if I hadn’t married Gareth, I wouldn’t have the boys.’
