Page 19 of For One Moment With You
‘Last night,’ I said quietly.
‘Oh my God.’ Lizzie was silent for a moment. ‘You do know don’t you, that this would be the most romantic thing in the world, if it wasn’t for the ever so slight problem of your wedding.’
I was silent for a moment. ‘He asked me if I’d give him one evening.’
‘Oh my God, Tilly. What did you say?’
‘I said no at first.’ I paused, swallowing. ‘But all I could think was, what if I said yes?’ I went on. ‘I’m supposed to be seeing him this afternoon.’ Suddenly I felt wretched.
‘Tilly, you can’t,’ she said anxiously. ‘I mean, you can. But this so isn’t like you.’ Lizzie paused. ‘I’m worried about you. Imagine for a moment you do this. When you’re standing in front of the altar with Gareth, don’t you think the chances are you’ll regret it?’
‘You’re right. I probably will.’ In that moment, I really didn’t like myself. And I didn’t need Lizzie to tell me how selfish I sounded, that I was about to betray Gareth. ‘But if I don’t, I’ll always wonder.’ I paused. ‘And the thing is, I don’t think I can stop myself.’
* * *
It was a surreal morning – one when I’d imagined myself excitedly organising the clothes I’d carefully chosen for our honeymoon in Malta. In spite of recent chaotic events in my life, I liked to be organised. With a few days to go, I’d be putting together everything I needed for the big day itself, ready to pack up and take over to my parents’ house.
Instead, I barely registered what I was doing. With one eye on the clock, I was going through the motions, while Gareth had gone to work, after which he was going over to his best man’s house for one of their legendary barbecues.
Before he left this morning, he’d come over and put his arms around me. ‘It’s going to be good to get away – just the two of us. I wasn’t going to say anything…’ He’d faltered. ‘But you haven’t been yourself the last few days.’ He looked slightly awkward. ‘We are OK, aren’t we, Tills?’
My heart had started to thump. ‘Of course we are.’ My throat was suddenly dry. ‘I’ve had a lot on my mind – you know, the wedding and that.’ I tried to make a joke of it. ‘But I suppose, if I’m honest, I’ve been worrying about one or two things.’
Letting go of me, a wary look crossed his face. ‘Such as?’
It was as though he’d completely forgotten the conversation we had. ‘Having kids is a really big deal for me.’ I watched his face. ‘And I know what you said, about having them further down the line. But if you don’t want to have them, I’d rather know. Now – before it’s too late.’ Realising as I said it, I was giving him a let out; that it would be far easier to sayGareth got cold feet,than the truth – that I had.
He froze. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m asking you to be honest. Once we’re married…’ I shrugged. ‘I’d hate it to become this… this thing between us.’ I didn’t know how to describe it. ‘Us having kids is really important to me.’
‘Of course it is.’ He looked awkward as he took my hands. ‘And the answer is I do want them. I meant what I said. I just think it would make sense if we waited a few years.’ He leant towards me to kiss me.
But I pulled back. ‘How long is a few? I want to know if it’s three, or ten…’
‘Hey. Does it matter?’ He frowned. ‘We’ll figure it out. We’re young, Tilly. We have time.’
‘It isn’t about having time.’ I didn’t like that he was being evasive. ‘Don’t you get that? It’s about us getting married and wanting the same things.’ But I’d answered my own question. Clearly he didn’t feel like I did, or we wouldn’t be speaking like this.
‘Hey, chill, Tilly. Can’t this stuff wait? We have a big week. Let’s make the most of it. We’ll work everything out.’ He paused. ‘You’re feeling the stress, aren’t you?’
‘I suppose I am.’ I knew it was the point when I should have pushed him, forced the issue. Yes, it would have caused a row. But it would at least have been honest.
He pulled me close again. ‘Everything’s done isn’t it? Almost?’
I nodded. ‘There are a few things to do, but not too much.’
‘Take a bit of time for yourself.’ Gareth looked concerned. ‘It’s a big day. An amazing day.’
I gazed into his eyes. ‘You’re right. Sorry. I do love you, Gareth.’ I meant it. However scattered my mind was, I did love him.
‘I love you, too.’ He kissed me. ‘I have to go.’ After kissing me on the cheek again, he picked up his bag and stood there. ‘I’ll probably stay over at Pete’s tonight.’
* * *
As I watch myself, memories come flooding back – of the shame I felt for the mess I’d got myself into, of my inability to be honest with myself, or anyone else. Even now, I can still remember how conflicted I felt; how I was wondering if it was possible to love two people. Then I’d berated myself, for puttingloveandAdamin the same sentence when after just a few days, I barely knew him.
That morning, I sat on our bed, listening as Gareth went out, whistling. Then, as he closed the door behind him, I felt a weight instantly lift. One that came crashing down on me again as I thought about our wedding.I still had a few days,I told myself.Anything could happen. Gareth could still change his mind…
