Page 13 of For One Moment With You
That single exchange summed us up. I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed at the time, how unaware Gareth was. Not just of me, but of any kind of subtlety. Gareth thought about work, going to the pub, watching football, buying takeaways more often than was good for him. He’d chosen a suit for our wedding, but that was the extent of his input. He’d simply gone along with the rest – not in anI trust you to make it lovelykind of way. It was out of laziness.
I can guess what you’re thinking.How many men get involved in the minutiae of wedding planning?And yes, I get that. But even when it came to the food and drink, Gareth had taken a back seat.
It had gone on to be the strangest evening. Me in the throes of a strange inner turmoil, Gareth completely oblivious as he made inroads into the Chinese takeaway on the table in-between us. It wouldn’t have occurred to him to notice I barely touched it, or to ask if I was OK. Gareth’s thoughts rarely extended to anyone else beyond himself.
That night, while Gareth slept, I lay awake for hours. I tried to remind myself what I loved about Gareth. How much fun we used to have, how handsome he was, eventually dozing off to dream I was walking down the aisle. Only instead of Gareth waiting for me, it was Adam who stood there. Handsome in a dark suit, he was looking at me as though I was the only girl in the world for him.
My eyes snapped open, the vision of Adam still crystal clear, the memory of how he’d made me feel with me, while beside me, Gareth snored. Sighing, tears filled my eyes. This was such a mess, one that could so easily have been avoided – if I’d chosen another venue for my hen do. But even if I had, it crossed my mind that if it was meant to be, maybe fate would have conspired to bring Adam there, too.
I lay awake until the first light appeared around the curtains, eventually dozing off and waking again to find Gareth getting up.
‘Hey, sleepy head,’ he said affectionately. ‘I was trying to be quiet and let you sleep.’
I stifled a yawn. ‘I’m fine. I need to get up. I’m meeting Lizzie.’ I watched him pull on his jacket.
‘Don’t overdo it, will you?’ Coming over, he kissed me.
It was what he always said. And I knew on one level, he cared about me. But it felt like surface level, which had always been enough. Suddenly, though, it wasn’t; and it wasn’t his fault, I just craved more. I put my arms around his neck, wanting to remind myself – both of us – of how we used to be inseparable. ‘Do you have to go?’
‘This time next week, I won’t be going anywhere.’ He disentangled himself. ‘But you know what Eddie’s like.’ Eddie was Gareth’s boss. ‘See you tonight, babe.’ After stopping to briefly check his reflection in the mirror, he was whistling as he headed for the door.
I listened as he opened it, then closed it behind him, then checked my watch. It was 7.30a.m.
As I lay there, a memory of the dream of Adam was back. Suddenly uncomfortable, I got up and pulled on my running gear, then scraped my hair back into a ponytail. I needed exercise to clear my head and get my thoughts straight.
Going outside, I closed the door behind me, then headed down the street, breaking into a jog. My usual route was three miles – a far cry from Lizzie’s eight. Hoping I wouldn’t see Adam this morning, I ran faster, pushing myself harder, the words in my head matching the rhythm of my stride.I love Gareth, we’re getting married. I love Gareth, we’re getting married…
This time last week, I hadn’t a care in the world. And to anyone who saw me now, everything looked the same. Inwardly, however, it was a whole other story. However crazy it sounded, there was no getting away from the fact that meeting Adam had turned my life upside down.
Repeatedly I told myself that there wouldalways be chance meetings with other attractive men. That it didn’t mean you were destined to become soulmates. The soulmates thing was something else, though. I’d looked it up. They shared a special kind of bond unique to themselves.
A bond Gareth and I had never had.
That morning, my determination to clear my head fuelled me to run an extra mile. Then back at the flat, after a shower, I got dressed and drove over to our wedding venue. As country house hotels went, it was a dream of a place, set in the most stunning gardens which was probably what had sold it to my mum, an avid gardener. Parking my car, I wandered around the side, following the gravel path edged with blowsy scented roses to the large area of lawn where the marquee had been put up.
Going in, I stood there for a moment, imagining the bare tables draped in white linen and festooned with flowers; there was a small stage at one end where the band would play, a dance floor for later on. My misgivings forgotten, I felt a thrill of excitement. Just five more days, and all our family and friends would be here.
‘Hey, Tills!’ Lizzie’s voice came from behind me.
I watch myself turn to look at my funny, gorgeous, wise little sister, taking in her sassy shorts and sun-kissed hair, suddenly missing her more than ever.
Back then, turning, I smiled at her. ‘Hi! I was just thinking about Saturday.’ My excitement was already fading. I could tell from her expression she was going to ask about Adam.
‘Is everything OK?’ Her face was sober.
‘Everything’s fine.’ Even to my sister, I couldn’t admit that everything wasn’t fine – far from it.
‘It’s just…’ Lizzie hesitated. ‘It’s none of my business. It’s just that since you and Gareth have been together, I’ve never known you look at another guy. Not ever.’
I sighed. ‘It’s complicated. But it’s nothing. Honest.’ I searched my sister’s face. ‘Don’t we have a marquee to decorate?’
‘You don’thaveto marry Gareth,’ she said quietly. ‘If you’re having second thoughts, it isn’t too late to cancel the wedding.’
I stared at her, shocked that she’d articulated what I was thinking. ‘I can’t.’ I was shaking my head. ‘Can you imagine Mum and Dad? They’d be devastated.’
There was worry in Lizzie’s eyes as she took my hands in hers. ‘You can’t do this because of them,’ she said. ‘This isn’t their lives we’re talking about. It’s yours. Tilly…’ She paused. ‘You owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself.’
My eyes filled with tears and I blinked them away. ‘The wedding’s going to happen, Lizzie. I made my mind up a long time ago.’
