Page 102 of The Perfect Son
“But you stayed over and slept on the sofa?”
“Yes.” Shelley nods, and her blond hair jiggles with the movement. “I was worried about you being on your own when you were feeling so depressed.”
“You took Jamie swimming the next day and then the two of you went to the supermarket and bought food.”
“Oh,” she says. “That’s why you were so worried when I was back late.”
It’s my turn to nod.
“There were times early on, like that day, when I felt like you were zoning out,” Shelley says. “You talked about Mark but never Jamie—but I didn’t know you were hallucinating until much later.”
“When?”
She pauses as if considering how much to tell me. “Looking back, there were things you said and did that I should’ve picked up on. Yousaid to me once that you’d cook for the three of us. I thought I misheard.
“I should’ve realized when the police came to the house. You told the police operator that Jamie was in the house. The policemen who came round to check on the house told us. They asked to see Jamie’s bedroom and I showed them.”
“He was asleep.”
A wall of tears builds in Shelley’s eyes. “The room was empty, Tess. I didn’t understand why you were ironing his school shirts that night. I should’ve tried harder to talk to you about it. You were so sad. I told myself the police operator had misunderstood.”
“I don’t remember that night. You drugged me with sleeping tablets.”
Shelley gasps. “Tess, no. I would never do that. It was your mind’s defense mechanism. You shut yourself down and practically collapsed on the stairs. I told the police officers that Jamie had died, but you were so out of it.”
“What about the time before, when you stayed over the night of the storm? You made hot chocolates and put something in my drink? I found you in the night singing to Jamie.”
“Singing?” Confusion darkens her face. She shakes her head, freeing two teardrops from her eyes. “I... I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I heard something. I was on my way to check on you when I went into Jamie’s room and sat on the bed. I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry. I started thinking about Dylan and what toys he’d like to play with if he were here.”
“What about the lullaby?” I ask, hearing the tune in my head.
“What lullaby?”
“I heard you sing to him.”
She shakes her head. “I was sitting on Jamie’s bed when you foundme, but I wasn’t singing. Think about it, Tess. Jamie isn’t real, which means he wasn’t in bed, so who would I have been singing to? I thought you were sleepwalking that night. You weren’t talking and your eyes kept opening and then closing. I pretty much carried you back to bed.”
“Oh” is all I can think to say.
“The beach was when I first saw you seeing him,” Shelley says. “You were brushing the air and laughing.”
“That was a good day,” I mumble.
“I’m so sorry, Tess. I should’ve done something sooner. Ian thought you should be admitted to hospital when we met in Debenhams. He was angry when I told him I already suspected you might be seeing Jamie. He wanted to tell you right there and then that Jamie had died, but I wouldn’t let him. I was trying to protect you. I think... I think I was jealous of you too, and that clouded my judgment. When Dylan died, everything was empty, he was just gone. But I could see that you still had Jamie, and even if it wasn’t real, to you it was.”
Another silence as my mind tries to sift through what I know is true. “I saw Mark. Was that part of my... my illness too?”
“I don’t know. You didn’t see him much, did you?”
“No.”
“Maybe it was just like I said—the grief playing tricks on your mind, like it did on mine after Dylan died.”
“Mark is dead,” I say to myself as much as to Shelley.
She nods. “The passenger manifest showed they boarded the plane. If they’d have turned around and tried to exit the airport then they’d have had to go back through security. Their names would’ve been written down somewhere.”
“I took him to school every day.” My voice cracks.
