Page 25 of Double or Nothing
No one needs to tell me some of the shit constantly circling around in my head is nuts. It doesn’t mean I can turn off my brain like a light switch, though. Especially when the crazy thoughts sustained me through the darkest moments.
As a child, when my deranged foster father unleashed his fury on me, convinced that I was possessed by the devil, these twisted beliefs became my lifeline.
By believing he couldn’t kill me, that I was invincible, helped me endure the relentless beatings and burns. No matter how much pain he inflicted or how close he came many times to ending my life, I clung to the certainty that I would survive.
And I did.
In his twisted mind, my resilience only fueled his suspicions, further cementing his belief that I was evil.
At the grand old age of eleven.
I taught myself to disconnect, to slip into a mental void of nothingness that shielded me from the searing physical agony. I honed this skill by being given countless opportunities to practice under his sadistic hands.
Undoing everything I’ve held onto for so long and untangling the web of beliefs that allowed me to survive won’t come easily.
Do I even want to try?
The sound of footsteps approaching the kitchen interrupts my thoughts, and I glance over to find Jade standing in the doorway, her eyes heavy with sleep. Her tousled hair cascades over her shoulders, her face showing a touch of vulnerability in her gaze.
I offer her a faint smile. “Morning,” I say, my voice betraying a mixture of emotions. “I hope you slept well.”
12
JADE
“Better than expected, considering everything,” I reply. “The enticing aroma of freshly brewed coffee drew me out.” I slip up behind Vulcan, who is standing at the kitchen sink. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I lean my head against his bare chest. “Thank you for putting on a pot.”
Vulcan rubs my arms. “I knew you would come out when you smelled it brewing,” he says. “You should go back to sleep. You must be tired.”
“Not really. I’m too hyped up to sleep. How are you feeling this morning? Are you okay with what happened last night with Kit?”
For a moment, Vulcan’s body tenses, and I hold my breath, awaiting his response, hoping he won’t tell me it was all a mistake. Instead, he lets out a long sigh.
“I realize I’m fucked up,” he says, his words heavy with resignation. “And I could never be one hundred percent what you need or deserve. Sometimes I need to get away from everyone to keep my sanity. And I might always be this way. Most likely will be. The bottom line is I want you. But how can I expect you to settle for half a man like me? To keep you in my life, I’m willing to share you with the only true family I’ve ever had. The other guys can give you things I can’t. They’re good for you when I’m not.”
My heart aches at his honest admission, and I reach up to smooth back a lock of his dark hair that’s fallen across his forehead. “You’re not half a man,” I assure him. “And being with you would never be settling either. From the moment we met, there was an instant connection, something undeniable. We both have our issues and we’re both missing pieces of our soul. Maybe together we can begin to repair and heal.”
“I’m willing to try, though I can’t promise a miracle,” he says, the weight of his past clear in his words. “I’m damaged goods, more than you could possibly imagine. Kit can offer you much more with his stability and big heart. And Seven could give you an unbelievable dream life, not a life spent living in an RV in the desert. With Seven or Kit, you would never have to worry about anything ever again.”
“You’re all amazing men. With unique qualities that I’m drawn to equally. Since you brought up Seven, what are we going to do about him? How will he handle knowing the three of us were together last night?”
Just then, Kit interrupts, strolling into the kitchen. “Probably not well,” he says. His long, blonde hair is tousled and wild. He’s wearing only a pair of grey sweatpants with his magnificent chest bare, a sight that never fails to captivate my attention.
“Will he be mad?” I ask. “I don’t like keeping secrets from him, and I’m worried about his reaction. I should tell him today.”
“Why don’t you let Kit talk to him first?” Vulcan suggests. “He’s more diplomatic than I am, so I’m the wrong person for the job. Kit can smooth things over.”
“No,” I reply. “I should be the one to talk to him about this. This is something I need to do alone.”
Stepping away from Vulcan, I weave my way around the kitchen table to Kit. Reaching up, I pull his face down for a long, slow kiss. “Everything okay?” I ask when I draw back for air. “Vulcan and I have already talked about it this morning. Are you still in with us?”
He smiles down at me, his grip on my waist tightening, pulling me closer against his sculpted chest. “I’m not going anywhere,” he assures me. “I’m all in, one hundred percent. Seven might be a different story, though. He’s more possessive of you than we are. He wants you all for himself.”
“I know,” I admit. “And that’s what I’m worried about. For this to work between us, we can’t have any of those things. The most important thing is, I don’t want to hurt the close bond between the three of you.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to Seven about this first?” Kit asks, his voice gentle and persuasive. “Maybe he would handle it better if it came from me, instead of you.”
“Talk to me about what?” Seven asks from the open doorway, his voice cutting through the charged atmosphere.
