Page 98 of That Friendzone Feeling
Ifshe won’t answer the question about what she felt that first day, ten years ago, surely that can mean only one thing.
“Anyway,” she says, turning to walk to her room. “Thathas to stop.Iwas just booking myself into a hotel.It’sbestIdon’t stay here anymore.Ineed to get my own place and start living like a single businesswoman who’s got her shit together, not like someone who can’t hold down a relationship and keeps falling back on their old pal.”
Shepauses and looks back at me over her shoulder, her eyes on the brink of spilling over. “LikemyNewYear’sresolution.Remember?”
Thisis it.Withevery step she takes toward her roomIlose her a little bit more.There’sa tightness in my throat, and my lungs can’t draw in enough air.
“Youdon’t fall back on me,Em.Youcome here, to me, becauseI’mthe one you’re supposed to be with.”There’sa crack in my voice.Nowwho’s the pathetic one?
“Isthat real?”Sheturns to face me. “Oris it jealousy talking?You’vehad ten years to feel it, but you only feel it now becauseChaseis sniffing around.”
“Jesus,Em, is that what you think?Hell, no.”Tobe fair, she might partially have a point.Partially. “MaybetheChasething has hammered it home to me.Buthe didn’t exist yet whenIcouldn’t stop thinking about ourNewYear’skiss, whenIwanted to go back for more every minute of every day afterward.”
Shesighs. “Well, we can’t.There’stoo much at stake.”
“Soyou’re going to go on this date withChasenext week?”
“Onpaper, he’s perfect.Andwhen it all goes wrong with him, because it always does,Iwon’t have to see him apart from the occasional meeting a couple times a year.You’retoo big a risk.Whenthat goes wrong, we’d be screwed because we’d still have to work together every single day.”
Shetakes a couple more steps away from me, her voice dropping almost to a whisper. “Andwe’d both have lost our best friends.”
Shepauses, her back to me. “It’snot so bad for you—you haveConnorand your brother and the rest of the guys.”Herhead drops, revealing more of the nape of her neck. “Ihave only you.”
AndnowIknow what it feels like when your heart cracks in half.Thepain ripping through my chest is for how lonely her life must be without a loving family aroundher and for me because she’s inching further and further out of reach.
Shesays she wants it too.Butshe’s denying us both.Becauseshe’s too scared.Scaredshe’ll end up losing me.BecauseI’mher everything.
Everyinch of my skin is clammy with panic.Ihave to be with this woman as if my life depends on it.Ican’t let her walk away without giving it the biggest, best shotIhave.
BeforeIknow it,I’mright up next to her, my hand holding her arm.
Shocked, she looks from my face to my hand.Iloosen my grip. “Itdoesn’t matter what things are like on paper.Itmatters what things are like in your fucking soul.”Imove my hand from her arm to my quaking chest. “Youlive in my soul,Emily.”
Hereyes widen. “Emily?You’venever used my whole name to me.Notonce.”
“Itjust came out.MaybeI’mtrying to make you listen.Makeyou listen to what you actually want.NotwhatSensibleEmilywants.”
Irub the back of my neck and step away.IfIstay within kissing distanceImight do just that.Butit wouldn't be like last time.Shewouldn’t melt into me and end up in my bed.She’dshove me away and everything would be even worse.
“Look,Iget the wholeChasething.He’severything anyone could want.AndifIthought for a moment he moves your soul in the way it deserves to be moved,I’dshut the fuck up and leave you to it.Becausethat’show muchIlove you.ButI’mcertain he doesn’t.”
Shelooks at the floor. “Myparents would die of happiness.Imean, he’s something even my golden sister couldn’t top.”
Idrop my head into my hands as the burning heat of a decade of frustration consumes me.
“Isthat what this is about?Thesame thing that’s at the bottom of everything?”Ifling my arms wide. “Howmany fucking times,Em?Theysuck.You’reamazing.Willyou never let it go?”
Istep back up to her, close enough to watch her eyes fill until they’re fit to burst. “I’llsay it again andI’llkeep saying it until you accept it—you push away everyone who loves you so you can try to impress people who don’t matter.Peoplewho will never be impressed no matter what you do.”
Oureyes hold onto each other for a second as one tear spills over and rolls down her cheek.
Ithurts my soul that my words cause her pain.Butisn’t that what best friends do, tell each other the cold hard truths no one else will tell them?Andanyway, it’s not like she doesn’t already know.
AllIwant to do is gather her in my arms, stroke away her tears, and hold her tight against my beating heart until she feels better.Butthat’s obviously the last thing she wants.
Iball my fists to keep my hands to myself and walk past her toward the front door.Ican’t watch this anymore.Can’twatch her do this to herself, to us.
“Ilistened to you, you know.”Ishove my feet into my sneakers. “Italked toMaggieand toTom.AndI’velearned new things.Thingsthat might help me.It’sgoing to take some adjusting from hating myself for whatIdid for all these years.Butat least nowIthink there’s a possibility of light at the end of that guilt-filled tunnel.AndI’venever thought that before.”Istraighten and face her. “That’sbecause of you.”
