Page 68 of That Conflicted Feeling
“Ithink he’s for real,Mom.I’mtrying to trust my judgment.AndIthink you can trust it too.”
Shenods, but there’s something behind her eyes that says, “Yeah,IthoughtIwas right to trust too.”
“Oh, andCarly.Couldyou open up the shop tomorrow?I’mtaking the day off.Togo on an actual date.”
“Asecond day off work?Twoconsecutive days off work?”Carly’shands fly to her cheeks, and she drops her mouth wide open in exaggerated shock. “Andadate?Didyou hear that,Gloria?Adate.Didsomeone steal thePollywe know and love and return an identical impostor who’s remembered they used to have a sex drive?”
Ishake my head the tiny amount the throbbing will allow and head upstairs.
“AndIknow you did it,”Carlycalls after me. “Ican tell.”
20
POLLY
Thispink lipstick is way too bright.LookslikeI’mmaking too much of an effort.
AsIgrab a tissue from the box on my dresser to wipe it off,Momappears at my bedroom door.
“Youlook beautiful.Ilove that dress even more than the one you wore yesterday.Theskirt swirls beautifully, and the buttons down the front are so cute.Seemslike years sinceI’veseen you in anything but overalls.”Shesmiles and leans against the door frame. “Maxis one hell of a lucky man.Therewas me thinking he must already have everything anyone could ever want.Butnow he might have you too.”
“Well, we’ll have to see about that.”Thetissue quivers in my trembling hands asIbring it to my lips.
“Oh, don’t wipe it off,”Momsays, walking in and sitting on the edge of my bed.She’shaving a good day today. “It’sbright and happy and perfect.”
Icheck it out again in the mirror.Maybeshe’s right.
Shelooks down and picks at her fingernails. “Justhad a call from the doctor.”
Thosewords are never followed by anything good.Mystomach lurches and my mouth goes dry. “Withthe latest blood test results?”
Shenods and pokes at a hangnail. “Shewas nice about it, but the gist of it was that whileI’llalways have good days,Ishould start planning for there to be fewer of them.”
“Oh,Mom.”
Idrop to my knees and take her hands.First, she loses most of the farm, then my dad, and now she’s losing her mobility.Myheart aches at the knowledge of what a struggle life will become for her.
Andone thing’s for absolute certain,I’llbe by her side every step of the way to make sure she has all the help and support and love that she needs.Ican’t be my dad, butIcan be everything else.
Yetlook at whatI’mdoing right now—planning to head out for a day of self-indulgent pleasure, leaving her by herself.Thenews is like a punishment for my selfishness.
“That’sit.I’mnot going.I’llstay home.”Istraighten and grab the tissue from my dresser.
“Oh,Iam not having you ruining your day for me.Youleave that lipstick right where it is.I’llbe fine, honey.”Shesmiles like she hasn’t a care in the world, but her eyes are glossy. “I’mgreat today.Lookat me.”Sheholds out her arms and does a little shimmy. “Yougo have fun.Oneday at a time and all that.”
Weboth jump as the sound of the back door slamming ricochets through the house.
“Whatthe fuck is that noise?”criesCarly’svoice, making it up the stairs ahead of her.
Momraises her eyes to the ceiling with exasperated affection. “Iguess she let herself in.”
“You’resupposed to be opening the shop.Andwhat noise?”Icall back. “Oh, that.”
Itsounds like an approaching speeding train mixed with the threshing of a combine harvester and the whirring of a helicopter.
Carlybarrels into my bedroom and heads straight for the window as the sound gets louder. “OfcourseI’mgoing to open the shop.Juststopped by on my way.Tomake sure you don’t get cold feet and back out of your hot date.”
“We’renot on your way to the shop.We’retwenty minutesoutof your way.Andthe shop should have opened fifteen minutes ago.”
