Page 29 of Second Swing
“So what’s going on?” Brianna asks, stuffing her mouth with lo mein covered in sauce.
“Yeah, babe, what’s wrong?” Janelle pipes in from the laptop set up with her video call. “You not only have our attention but we’re worried. So spill.” My shoulders lift from a deep inhale as I make eyes with Cass, who simply tilts her head for me to start.
“I may be flirting with an ex. An ex that really shouldn’t even be an ex,” I blurt out.
Cassidy sucks in a breath. “What do you mean you’ve been flirting with him?”
“We played pool together, and it felt like old times when we would flirtand joke with one another. It felt—” I don’t want to say the words. That it felt real, as if he had always been in my life. Like I never abandoned him. That I missed him. “When Glen called both of us in for a meeting, that sneaky bastard didn’t tell either of us the other would be there.”
Janelle’s gasp comes through the speakers of the computer. “What did he want?” she asks, slurping a fork full of lo mein into her mouth.
I adjust myself to sit cross-legged before I continue. “Glen said he needed our help. His event coordinator had a family emergency, and since we are both familiar with the course, he asked if we could take on her responsibilities.”
“Now wait a damn minute. When were you going to spill this information, Lo?” Cassidy raises her voice slightly, and I tuck myself deeper into the cushions, having just now realized I didn’t tell her about this.
“I’m sorry, babe.” I take a deep breath. “With Clinton being back in Cypress Lake and us working together, I’ve been more out of sorts than I’d like to admit.”
“And what’s the deal with that? What do you mean by him beingback?” Brianna asks. “Listen.” She stops me before I can start. “If you need me to take on extra shifts to cover you or look into securing some extra help, I’ve got you.”
“Actually, yeah, that would be really great.” I give in to B, accepting the help before I fill them in on everything. “I’ve never allowed myself to be bothered with love. I know it’s real because of what you and Jameson share, but I never wanted to experience heartbreak. Not after having experienced it when my dad left. When my parents separated, I just…well, I decided love wasn’t for me.” I take a quick sip of water, wanting to give myself a moment to gather my thoughts.
“You guys know about my parents, and I know it may seem silly tosome, but watching their marriage crumble right before my eyes at such a young age, it jaded me. I began to see love as fickle. It’s been my stance on love since for so long…Love destroys happiness. Until I met Clinton.” Brianna takes in a knowing gasp, and my eyes find hers, witnessing her put two and two together.
“I took a few years off after I finished my bachelor's degree and started working as a hiring assistant at Mossy Oaks, occasionally helping the golf pros who came in. Clinton was working as a temporary instructor, and so much of my life felt up in the air, and he felt real, he felttangible. He always seemed to find a way to make me laugh. It’s not that I wasn’t happy with my life before Clint, but there was something abouthimthat made me want more. More laughter—more joy—for a love that my heart longed for.”
“We flirted for the first few months, and once he asked me out to dinner, the internal war with myself was over. We spent every single moment together after the first night.” I smile to myself thinking of our need to be under one another, how right things felt even knowing we couldn’t be more than just a fling.
I tuck a loose curl behind my ear like he did the night I told him we could only be a fling because I didn’t date, nor was I planning to. I still remember how my heart hammered in my chest every time I caught his eyes on me or the feel of his warm palm giving my thigh a squeeze when I needed help grounding myself from a particularly hard day. “The closer we got, the more real things became. He had become someone I quickly relied on.”
Janelle’s phone pings through the laptop speakers, and she glances at me with apologetic eyes. “It's nothing important. It can wait.” She clicks the side of her phone, and her focus returns back to the camera. “Keepgoing.”
“I told him we couldn't fall in love, really that he couldn’t fall in love with me. I knew it would break my already broken heart when he left for Europe. Even still, we never stopped seeing each other. I’m making this longer than I need to, trying to save face I guess. He ended up asking me to go with him, and we decided we could figure everything out, that we could try. Only problem was, I believed him. I said yes, and I only had the night before to get ready. My bags were packed and in my trunk, I just needed to meet him at the airport.” Cassidy reaches over, giving my knee a squeeze. I grab her hand, holding it in mine.
“When I got there, I froze up. I couldn't stop picturing where we would end up, from seeing his face yelling like my dad had. Or worse, I was the one shouting. Happy endings aren't exactly pouring out of my family. I was still hurting in so many ways from not dealing with fear of abandonment. No matter how much I tried to get out of the car, fear paralyzed me. I watched his last text pop up and disappear and convinced myself he was better off without me. When I sat there, stunned with fear watching his plane take off, I knew I was right. He was better off without someone who couldn't even give him a proper goodbye. A fucking coward.” I wipe away the stray tear as my face burns with guilt. I rub my chest, my heart aching as if it is being ripped from my chest as I remember the moment. My heart thumps loudly in my ears, recalling past memories but also the Clinton who just walked back into my life. I couldn’t lie anymore, not to myself—I wanted him, and knowing how hard I fell for him the first time makes my stomach plummet.
“The thing is, I just don't think I can give him what he wants. I didn’t then, and I can’t now.” Waffles must know I’m upset because he leaps up onto the couch, curling himself into my lap.
“And what exactly does he want? Because it seems like you’re the perfect package for him,” Janelle jumps in as she sets her chopsticks down and brings her laptop closer to her face.
“I know Cassidy has found the love of her life, but love isn’t for me.” I sigh.
Brianna gives me a stern glare, aiming her chopsticks at me. “I know you didn’t just tell yourself that lie and had the audacity to believe it.Youare going to have to give us a little bit more detail on why you’re so firm about not being loved the way you deserve. Hell, being loved at all! I simply can’t believe in that for you.” She stabs a piece of chicken before popping it in her mouth.
“My parents divorced when I was nine, and I still very much remember the argument that tore my family apart. It’s why my dad and I have such a strained relationship. If you can even call it a relationship. It’s been years since I’ve spoken with him, which is partly my own fault, but I wanted him to try a little harder, I guess. Instead, he just stopped pushing, and I was too angry to bother to push back.”
Brianna leans over the coffee table, holding my hand and giving it a squeeze. Her eyes are filled with warmth and love. Being seen by my closest friends without filters, without worry of judgement, is the best gift I could have ever been given. These three women are more than friends, they’re my family. I don’t need anyone else, as long as they’re by my side.
With another soft squeeze from my blue-eyed beauty, I keep going. “I remember my dad shouting at my mom and then her telling him to get out. The next week, he came home and took all of his things. Before their argument they wereso in love,and I-I can’t allow myself to be heartbroken the same way.”
Feeling their full attention on me has me considering the door. Of all people, I can’t run from my girls and from my own house no less.
“No.” Brianna shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes. “Absolutely the fuck not. You cannot let your entire future be dependent on something your mom and dad did, babe. That is not a future for you.”
She puts a hand in the air, stopping me before I can reply. “Hear me out. They are just people, your parents. They are people trying to figure out life, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be mad at them. It doesn’t mean they don’t need to explain themselves and apologize, but maybe they were doing their best in the moment. We’re all people just trying to figure shit out, and we mess up. Life is messy, and I don't need to know the words they yelled at each other. I don't need to know what happened that night to knowyouare deserving of a wild love. But most of all, I needyouto know it.”
Tears silently stream down all of our faces, and the lump in my throat burns, and my eyes sting. I can feel the truth of what my best friend said deep down in my belly. But knowing the sentiment is true and believing the words are true are two different things, and I don't know if I believe it or not, yet.
16
