Page 40 of Second Swing
“Well, mija, you do.” The shock of her words coats my skin, goose bumps erupting as I sit staring at my mom. I was so sure she wouldn’t understand my fear of love. She may as well have pushed me out of the chair. Me. I’m the reason for wrecking my relationships. I knew it, but to hear it so plainly by someone so dear to me feels like a weight has been pressed on my chest. “I don’t mean to hurt you, Paloma. But it is the truth, and I wish I had said something sooner. But you’re so independent and sure, I didn’t want to misstep.”
“I know you don't mean to hurt me, Ma. I guess, well…I don't know. It hurts all the same. I don’t know if I’m able to change. I believe in the possibility of love—for Cassidy, for you, for—” Clinton’s handsome face flashes in my mind, because I do believe in love for him, but to believe it for him and not for myself, I don’t know if it's something I want to verbalize. “For everyone else but me. I don’t want to open myself to the chance of…”
“Of heartbreak. And what makes you assume that’s what you’re destined for?” she asks me, and I’m not entirely prepared to answer, but I do anyhow.
“The night you and Dad argued and he left…broke something in me, Mami,” I choke out. “It made me see just how fickle love is, and I don’t want a fly-by-night type of love. He divorced you and then divorced me too. I’ve never felt like a priority to a man, even one I loved so deeply. That hurt is in my bones.” I rub my hands up and down my arms at the feel of how much this hurts. “He abandoned me the moment it got hard. And I know, I know I wasn’t the best kid. I was angry. I was angry that we weren’t a complete family anymore. I felt like a consolation prize that was later forgotten about and thrown away. My life was lived in two different places, and neither felt like home. I know you were there, but it felt like he orphaned me. And I feel…I feel so broken, Mom. I don’t think I can ever give anyone the love they deserve. If my own father couldn’t love me through the hard days, how can I expect anyone else to?”
Mami reaches over and wipes away the tears running down my cheeks. “Oh, my love. There was so much more going on between him and me that you weren’t privy to. You simply didn’t need to know because you were a child,” my mom says as she reaches over, placing her hand on my own. “Paloma, I need you to look at me when I say this.” She waits for me to fully focus on her and get out of my head. “You cannot be scared of heartbreak because you’ll never allow yourself to truly fall in love if you are. I saw the way you looked at that Clinton Morrison.”
My face must show my surprise because she pats my hand. She even knows his name. I don’t have time to dwell on that fact as she continues, “Yes, I know who he is. The golf professional, the same one you were dating several years ago. I could never forget the face of the man who looks at my daughter the way he does. No man looks at a woman like that. The way he looks at you, mija, it’s as if his soul has been stolen away along with his heart. Don’t sell yourself short with living in the mistaken memories of your papi and me. We made many mistakes,both of us, and I am so sorry I said what I did. There is nothing I can do to erase the memory of that night from you and your father’s memory. No matter how badly I wish I could. He and I both said things we aren’t proud of.Said things we can never take back, but we’ve moved on from each other, and it has been for the better for both of us. For you.”
“I’m still so mad at him. After that night, he came to get his things. He became a ghost of a parent, and I wish he’d thought longer of me.” I swipe away a tear slipping down my cheek.
“You’re right, honey. I think he may have thought he was doing the right thing. You were so angry and he wanted…Well, I won't put any more words in his mouth, but I will give you some advice, mija. Advice you aren't going to like but I hope you will consider taking.”
“Of course, Mami, anything,” I quickly respond and mean it.
“I think you should talk to your papi. I feel you may need to hear what he has to say.”
“I’ll think about it, okay?” She nods her head in response and picks up a piece of buttered Cuban bread.
“And Paloma?” She pulls my attention back as I move the fruit around on my plate, having lost my appetite.
“Yes?”
“No dejes que el miedo al amor voluble consuma tus pensamientos, no cuando ya has encontrado a alguien que prende fuego a tu alma.”Don’t let the fear of fickle love consume your thoughts, not when you’ve already found someone who sets your very soul on fire.
The run was satisfying, but the conversation with Mami is on my mind,and her words force me to think of Clint. No matter what I try, no matter how much I’ve tried to move on from him, it’s Clint. He’s all I can see. I’m full-on tunnel vision, and for once I don't know if I want to see anything else.
His hazel gaze comes to the forefront of my mind and all the different emotions I can see within them. Warmth, comfort, desire, but love is the most consistent glimmer. He loves me. Still.
As I jump in the shower, a tremor works its way from my scalp, down my neck and back. My body warms at the thought of him loving me fully and what it could mean if I give us a chance. Date nights at Midnight Miso, trying to teach him bachata, and I snort as I lather my body.
Time with him would be so much fun. I think I remember seeing a Latin Night at the Night Market coming up soon. They always have the best music in town. Or I could check to see if the course has any fun events coming up. Would he be down to go if I asked him? He would, right? In his voice, I hearYes, Doveflicker through my thoughts.Fuck me if just those two words don’t shift my focus to the hot water trickling down my body. I pretend my hands are his, and my breath catches remembering how good his calloused hands felt as they would pinch and twist my nipples—I perform the same motions. My groan is needy, conveying exactly how I feel.
My eyes snap to my favorite part of my shower—the shower head. This particular one has so many different massage options. I hesitate, knowing this could make me late to girls’ night, forcing me to deal with the girls and their twenty-one questions.Be a good girl and come for me, Dove.How are those words still so clear, as if he’s here saying them to me now? I don’t think too long about it and take the imagined permission to unlatch the shower head from the connector and pull it lower, lower,lower to my aching clit.
Lifting my leg to the shower seat in the corner, I turn the nozzle to the pulsating setting, my favorite, and feel the circular motions of the water swirl around my sensitive bud.
“Fuck,” I groan.
The pulse and swirling motions makes my breathing come out in short huffs. I race my free hand up my body and grip my breast. “Dios Mio. Clint,please.” Moaning his name sounds like a song my body has been waiting to sing, his eyes and dimpled smile shine bright behind my closed eyes. I Imagine him watching me, having sat himself down close enough to touch me. I imagine watching him stroke his dick through the golf shorts that show off his toned thighs.
Another moan falls from my lips as my skin grows hotter. I increase the sensor on the side to heighten the water pressure which sends me over the edge in the most blissful orgasm I’ve experienced in such a long time. The delicious numbness extends to my fingers and toes. Switching to the rain feature, on wobbly legs I reach up and place the shower head in its home. With my last bit of strength, I plop down on the shower seat to catch my breath.
“Best. Fucking. Purchase.Ever,” I exclaim, popping a crab rangoon in my mouth. “And all of you are getting one for Valentine’s Day.”
Brianna and Cassidy snicker before taking bites of their food. WhenJanelle told us she wouldn't be able to make our video call tonight, it put a damper on the evening. We love her, and the dynamic feels off when she isn’t here. If she hadn't begged us to continue on without her, we probably would have rain checked the entire night.
Tonight we are at Cassidy’s place. Jameson went out to play pool with Anders and get some guy time in while the three of us feast on takeout like nobody’s business.
“So I got some really good news earlier today, and I’ve been waiting for us to get together before I say anything.” Brianna’s body almost vibrates with excitement.
“Spill. It,” Cass urges her.
“Oh, hell yeah! What is it?” I ask as I shake her knee with my hand.
“One of my art pieces is going to be auctioned at the Night Marketand”—she exaggerates the last word, keeping both of us on our toes—“the exhibit asked me to make three custom pieces for the gallery they’re putting together for next year. I cannot fucking wait. I’m going to keep myself anonymous. I don’t think I want my face out there just yet. Plus, doesn't it leave a little mystery to it? Maybe make people want it more.”
