Page 48 of Mixed Connection
*General HOES group chat*
Ben & Jerry’s emergency
B
Oh no…
Lo
What’s wrong babe?
I knew they did great work but this is stunning. My eyes widen as Jameson walks me through his hard work and I’m completely blown away. There is a pool table off to the left of the entrance of the foyer and I may not know how to play, but I would be down to let Jameson teach me. As I walk deeper into the house there are concrete spheres that have a cutout inside for what seems to be a space for speakers. They lead into the sunken living room which makes the entire room feel cozy and intimate. I take the two, wide steps down and my eyes land on the inky-black brickfireplace that is from floor to ceiling, framed by what feels like a wall of windows. The windows make the entire backyard feel like a piece of art..
The rooms haven’t been staged yet, they’re just empty rooms that are waiting for furniture and nicknacks but this kitchen is one made for chefs to do their thing. The dark cool-gray concrete floor fades into wide planks of stained wood that reminds me of the color of rolled tobacco. The countertops match the polished concrete flooring.
It’s a dream here, and also a nightmare.
As soon as Jameson heads to the bathroom, my one big insecurity rears its fugly-ass head. I wasn’t expecting for it to be so…done. My eyes are misty at the in-my-face reminder that, unlike this house, Jameson isn’t a permanent fixture here. Not to mention the other house that he has.
We haven’t discussed what we are to each other but everything points to us being anus—he’s mine and I’m his—at least I hope so. He said he liked being mine, but does that mean we are together? I would know if we talked about it.Fuck.What if I’m not? What if this is just another reminder that I’m not someone’s first choice, just like with my parents.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Right as I raise my arms to rub my temples a ping sounds for a text notification. My eyes snap open and land on the phone. Jameson’s phone. And no matter how much I wish I didn’t see the text, I did.
I can’t wait to see you this weekend, love you *winky face with tongue out emoji*
My eyes land on the words, on that stupid fucking emoji, instead of the name. It has to be a girlfriend or… no. Absolutely not. There has to be an explanation; I refuse to jump to that type of conclusion when he has given me no reason to not trust him.
“Hey, Babygirl.” Jameson comes back into the room but halts mid-step after seeing my face.
I can feel the tears well in my eyes thinking of the text message and how quickly he will be leaving once this house is fully renovated with tenants living in it. And I just—fuck this. Fucking, fuck this. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, streaking the brown mascara under my eyes as he starts walking towards me again, quicker this time. “What happened? Are you okay?”
I blow a breath and take him in, already missing his warmth but I won’t leave here without knowing. “I was waiting for you to come out of the bathroom and you got a text,” I say to him, pointing to his phone with my eyes and then back to him. “I didn’t mean to look but it was a reflex and—”
His worried expression doesn’t leave, but a layer of confusion warps his face as his eyebrows lower. He picks up his phone and opens his messages. I watch as a short-lived smile curves his lips before his eyes are back on me.
“I promise you, this isn’t what it seems. It’s Alma,” he says, as if that explains anything at all. Maybe it should make sense but right now, it doesn’t. My emotions war with one another, not understanding any of this. “She’s my eighty-seven year old girlfriend, more like an adopted grandmother at this point. You accidentally gave me Alma’s number the night of the reunion.”
My eyes widen at his explanation and I’m so glad I didn’t let it become something bigger than what it was. He brushes his fingers over my own that are resting on the counter but I can’t stop myself from slowly pulling my hand back.He’s leaving, Cassidy.I take in another deep breath, prepared to lay it all out.
“The house is beautiful,” I start, needing to try my best to explain myself, to explain my feelings.
“Baby, I promise that there is nothing going on with Alma. Just an occasional true crime marathon. I’m actually flying out to be with her for a surgery she needs. I meant to tell youearlier.” He chuckles, trying to clear the nervous energy I’m putting out. “That’s not all, is it?”
“It’s a dream here but it reminded me that you don’t live here.” My nerves start to get to me, knowing that I will be going home alone tonight. Knowing that this could possibly be the end and that thought makes tears well up and fall down my cheeks. “You don’t live here and I can’t be a second choice in someone else’s life. Inyourlife. This has all been incredible, but you are leaving Cypress Lake in a couple weeks,” I say, when internally I’m yelling,you’re leaving me in a couple weeks.
I loosen a heavy breath and try to get a handle on my emotions so I can continue, but now my nerves are a bit rattled at the thought of not having a future with Jameson, of not having more time with him. “Why would you go and make me fall in love with you if you didn’t plan to stay?” My voice raises at the end and that’s when realization hits me. I love him. I love him and I just shouted it at him.
“I love you Jameson. And…well, you know how my parents treated me or more so, their lack of treatment all together. How they were never home and left me to my own devices. I was alone constantly until I found Paloma and Janelle, until I moved into my grandmother’s house. My parents spent more time being infatuated with one another and their jobs than ever trying to love me,” I say, swallowing down my nervousness and raising my hand, pausing him before he speaks.
“Before you say anything, I need you to take this weekend as you visit with Alma and think about whatyouwant. Because I know I want you. I want you all the time. But I can’t live with the thought of you moving here for me and regretting it. I think I need some space to sort out my feelings about all of this.” I wave my hands between us. “And a weekend apart isn’t going to kill us. Right?”
“Is that what you really want? Space?” he asks me, his face still stunned from my confession, but the hurt in his eyes breaks something inside of me. I grasp his hand in mine and look up at him.
“You are incredible and everything I could have ever asked for…”
“I feel a ‘but’ coming,” he says, and he’s right.
“ButI know that if you don’t take the weekend and make the best decision for you, and what you want your next step to be, then one of us is going to end up resenting the other and that is the last thing I want. I want a lifetime with you Jameson.”
