Page 43 of Mixed Connection
We both attempt to gather ourselves, calming the fit of giggles that plague us. We are still resisting the urge to giggle or snort, we have a way of feeding off one another’s energy. We both start at the mess, her with the broom while I grab the mop.
“Oh my God! My cheeks hurt,” I say to her, cleaning around the bartop. I pull her into a quick hug and kiss her cheek.
“So you tell me what’s wrong and I will make us both a drink.” I watch her body sink, her shoulders rounding as she closes herself off and I’m not having it.
“I’m totally fine.” She’s a terrible liar and she knows it.
I start the espresso before I reach under the bar and open the mini fridge, grabbing the white chocolate creme liqueur and the vodka from the top shelf. Shaking the ingredients with espresso ice cubes, I pour us each a glass and top them with a salted caramel infused cold foam. “You’re a terrible liar.” I tip my glass in her direction then allow myself a small sip.
“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay babe. But don’t lie. You don’t need to lie to me, I’m your best friend and I’m never going to judge you. I hope you know that.” Before I can set my drink down, she takes a deep breath.
“You remember that guy I dated years ago and had that fling with?” She sighs deeply, a shuddering breath leaving her. “Well, I didn’t tell you the whole story. I’ve seen him a few times recently at the course, apparently he is raffling off lessons as a vendor, and I-I was a fucking idiot, Cass. I was such a fool. Seeing him again brought all those feelings back that I tried my damnedest to stuff down.” This time when Paloma looks at me, her normal joy-filled gaze is one of deep sorrow.
“Lo.” Rounding the bar once again, I pull my best friend into a crushing hug and hold her there until she calms down long enough to sit back. We finish our drinks and talk about everything since their breakup.
Finding out he’s in town explains why she’s been so funky lately. We both catch each other up on what’s been happening in our respective lives until it’s time to open the doors to Shaken Tropes.
18
Lo
We need another Benny’s date.
I need waffles.
You’re obsessed, and YES.
“And now that your home is reinforced, how are you feeling about being in the space now?” Donna’s calm voice comes through the speaker of my laptop.
We’ve been on video for a while now, over the years I’ve grown to enjoy the support of having a therapist like her in my life. Her home office is a lovely sage green with white sheer curtains swaying on either side of her open window.
After Paloma and I shared a drink, I decided to text my therapist. I need a chance to sort through my emotions and talkto her about my insecurity of being “emotionally abandoned,” as she calls it.
I so badly want to drop my head against my desk, frustrated with feeling like I took a step back, which is why talking with her is so important. Even though I no longer need weekly or even monthly sessions, I like to reach out when I am feeling a bit on edge. Like when I decided to finally make the pact with Lo. I appreciate the security I feel expressing my thoughts and concerns with Donna.
“I feel okay, I guess. I mean, the worry that it will happen again is still there, given that it’s still so fresh. But I feel better. Jameson has stayed the last few nights since it happened.”
“It sounds like Jameson makes you feel safe. Tell me more about him,” she prods.
“He does. For once, I feel taken care of and—” I swallow before saying the next word—“seen. He makes me feel seen.” I take a moment to breathe in and I anticipate her next question, having been with her long enough that I know she is going to refer right back to me, to have me dig a little deeper.
“That’s a wonderful thing to hear.” She watches my facial expressions change, my confusion clear on my face, a gentle smirk graces her aging features.
“I was expecting—” I mimic her calm demeanor— “dig into that feeling a bit more. Or have me talk about the pact I made with Paloma. You sound pleased, happy even.”
“Well, of course… But more importantly, are you happy?”
I nod my head. “I am. When I walked into Cypress Lake High, he was the last person I expected to see. He wasn’t even on my radar, but now that he is, I feel like I was missing a piece of myself before.” I chuckle at how cliche I sound. “Not that he completes me, but that he adds to me.”
“You should be incredibly proud of allowing yourself to experience the happiness you’ve created by sayingyes.Onesmall word that can change or open so many avenues in life. And you’re doing it.” Her encouraging words feel like a hug and I sit with them, thinking about what she just said. Saying yes used to feel impossible but now, it is starting to feel like second nature. Like, why wouldn’t I invite new adventures into my life, no matter how big or small? Could ayeslead me to frustrations or heart break, of course it could.
“Jameson is the kindest, funniest, sexiest man I have ever met, and Donna, I want him to make me his first choice so damn bad. I won’t lie to you,” I admit.
Am I attaching an insecurity a bit? Yeah, maybe, I’m human. But it’s truly because I see a future with Jameson. One that I want. Sayingyesto Jameson leaves me open to the risk of heartbreak, but it’s one I am willing to take. No matter how confident I am in him, in us, the little voice from years of wanting my parents to choose me rears its ugly head.
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be his first choice.”
“And what if I’m not?” I question her, knowing that she won’t give me the answer but wishing she would all the same. “What if this one thing that I want is just—” My thoughts stop because whatifI’m not enough.
