Page 60 of Forbidden Property
Our son. My eyes flicker to Renzo and strange tension between us that I find scarily familiar returns.I did everything in my power to run away from this feeling.I drop my gaze and rock our baby instead of staring into Renzo’s intense blue eyes.
“As what? His… dad?”
I don’t need to ask him if it will be weird for our kid that we aren’t together. It’s always weird.
“I don’t care. I’ll be his Italian tutor if that’s what would make you happy.”
I know we’re entering dangerous territory here, but I don’t care. I wonder if Renzo still means what he said all those weeks ago. That he loves me. I didn’t say it then but now… is everything different? We have a baby together and he’s stood by me this whole time with absolutely nothing to gain.
I don’t have to question anymore if this was all just sex or all just the contract. I know the only reason Renzo Taviani is in this room with me right now while I nurse our baby is because he wants to be here. But does that mean he loves me or he’s just found a way to keep me in his life where he wants me while he has what he actually wants somewhere else.
Before I can say anything else to Renzo, Roman fusses and his fussing gets loud as he demands a diaper change before we put him to bed.Everythinggoes straight through babies, I swear. I treasure the moments I have with him now, but I know I won’t miss those diapers.
When Roman falls asleep definitively, Renzo comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Get some sleep, mama bear,” he mutters. “I’ll watch him until I have to get ready for work.”
“Are you sure?”
Being unable to react to his closeness is so fucking painful. But now that Roman is here, everything between us has so much more weight to it. I don’t want to screw up with Renzo, and I don’t want to do anything that puts my child’s future in jeopardy by messing with his crazy gangster daddy’s heart.
“Yes,” Renzo says. “I can do my job tired. You can’t do yours.”
His voice is strangely sexy when he’s sleepy, but I know he’ll stay awake like he promised because he does this every night he can.
“Okay,” I nod agreeably, not in a position to turn down a chance to take a shower and sleep in the same night. This already feels better than most Christmases I had as a kid. “I’ll sleep.”
“Good,” Renzo says. “Roman needs you rested for tomorrow.”
“And what about you?”
“I’ll be fine,” he says. “This is being a dad, right?”
Those words tug on my heartstrings. I don’t want them to but… theydo.
It feels good to get some rest but I can’t sleep very long because Roman is still so new and I have this powerful urge to constantly check if he’s still breathing. I wonder ifthatwill go away soon. I must have slept at least three more hours because this time when I wake up, I feel strangely rested.
Pretty rare. My sweatpants and sweatshirt are so cozy that it’s almost painful to leave my bed with such warm clothes wrapped around me. When I open the door, Renzo was just on his way to wake me up. He’s half-dressed for work and when I see him, my heart sends a painful throb straight between my legs.
He has no right to be this hot with a halfway undone shirt, and messed up hair but… he issohot and there’s definitely a pang of guilt I feel for thinking that, even if I can’t help it. I haven’t seen another man in a long time, so my brain must be completely confused and falsely attributing these warm fuzzy feelings to Renzo.
“I have to leave in ten minutes. Roman is asleep.”
“How did you get him to sleep?”
Renzo and I make eye contact again. The fluttery sensation in my chest gets more intense and then he makes it worse by actually talking. “I sang to him in Italian. Always worked on me.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“Do you want me to pick up banh mi after work?”
I’m nervous about saying yes to Renzo and what that means considering all the shit going on in my body. I hate how I feel right now.
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to,” he says. Our eyes meet again. I can’t seem to avoid his gaze. “I look forward to seeing you after work every day. All my stress melts away.”
I don’t know what he wants me to say. Renzo takes a step towards me and I feel suddenly self-conscious about the fact that I smell like breast milk. He smiles and for a moment it fades until his hand touches my cheek. He hasn’t touched me in a very long time and the electricity between us automatically makes Renzo jerk his hand away. It’s too late. There’s something between us that just activated and I take a step back awayfrom it. Away from that terrifying place. I can see something so fucking dangerous in his eyes that I should have seen earlier.
