Page 64 of Forbidden Property
Him going out tonight “with Gino” made it all feel so real, but I didn’t even have the courage to stop him. I just kept playing along with his obvious lie about meeting Gino for drinks, even if he dressed up in a blue shirt instead of a white one and wore cologne. Renzo wouldn’t wear cologne just to hang out with his brother.
Renzo leaving makes me vulnerable and I do something so incredibly stupid after I put the baby down at 7 p.m. Roman willonly sleep for a couple of hours, which is plenty of time for me to take a shower and a nap. Renzo wants me to consider getting a nanny soon and if I don’t want to pay for it – even though I can afford it now thanks to the contract – he wants to cover the costs.
Doesn’t he see how this makes everything so confusing for me? He leaves to see and most likely go off to screw another girl while offering to give more than I would have ever expected the father of my child to give.
My vulnerability sends me onto my phone, which is the worst place to go when you’re feeling any type of way. While Renzo can go off to distract himself with any of the hundreds of women lining up to throw themselves at a tall white guy with muscles and money, I’ll always have to be home with our little one. I’ll always have to put Roman first.
Sigh. I want to hate Renzo for going out but… he’s been perfect. And I can tell that he doesn’t want to screw up our friendship and the peaceful way we co-parent by kissing me or touching me or any of the other typical Renzo activities that send me into panic mode.
I pushed him away. I know I did it for a good reason. But now that it feels real – he’s out with someone else – my good reason feels stupid. And I just feel alone.
Nicki texts me. Which is possibly the worst thing and the worst time that could have happened.
Nicki: Are you busy?
Me: My baby is eight months old, Nicki.
We text back and forth occasionally, but I would be lying if I told you it’s the same. Nicki was my best friend and even if she thinksshe did the right thing by “setting me up for life”... I can’t help but feel like a pawn in her game and that needs real atonement.
Nicki: Ok. So can I come over then?
Nicki: Pretty please.
Me: Why?
I’ve turned her down several times before when she’s asked to come over. I don’t want Nicki close to me when I still can’t trust her.
Nicki: I miss you.
Me: Okay.
I can’t be bothered to entertain this. What exactly did she miss about me? The opportunity to scheme on how to drug her best friend?
Nicki: I’ll help you study for the LSAT.
Okay, she must be desperate. Nicki hates everything that has to do with reading and academics. I used to think she had undiagnosed dyslexia or something when we were in school but she assured me that she just hated it and didn’t want to try.
Whatever the reason, she hasneverstudied with me. We’ve been friends long enough that she has smoked weed, gotten drunk, and matched with six guys on Tinder in one night while I studied near her. But we haven’t ever worked together studying.
Me: Is this a trap?
Nicki: No. I need to get out of my house.
Nicki: And I’m still proving to you that I’m not a total bitch.
Me: Just a criminal?
Nicki: My whole family is criminals honestly.
Nicki: I never stood a chance
Nicki: I’m sorry, G. I’m coming over.
I don’t know why I give in to Nicki. I wonder if my friendship with her is more toxic than any relationship I could have with her brother.
Me: Ok. But Roman is asleep.
Nicki: I won’t be long.
