Page 23 of Ravishing Among the Roses
“Neither do I.”
Relief almost released the tension in Edmund’s stomach and he realised he’d been holding his hands into tight fists.
“I don’t understand why he banished me over the rowing team. And I don’t understand why he thinks I should come crawling back to him and beg his forgiveness when he wronged me.”
“He doesn’t believe that he wronged you. He believes that you are at fault because you didn’t obey him, and you should apologise for that first. You left him without his permission and he thinks you are at fault.” Edmund had dealt with his brotherfor years and it had taken him a long time to understand that His Grace was never wrong about anything.
George barked out a harsh laugh. “And so his door is always open because all of this is my fault. All because I didn’t row for the bloody school team. I left his house rather than agree with his assessment that I was selfish in choosing not to row, and his response was to make that choice to leave permanent, and in doing so, he took away my decision, my choice. If I wanted to return, I couldn’t because the staff were instructed not to let me on the estate, and now ... now that he’s dying, I should be the one to reconcile and anything he did along the way either didn’t happen or was also somehow my fault?”
“Yes?”
“Then no. I choose no, and I will figure out how to live with that choice. If he wants me to reconcile, he can apologise for banishing me.”
Edmund used to have that energy when he was that young, but now all he wanted to do was run away and rest in Gabriel’s arms. “Soon this will all be over.”
“Will it? He’ll find a way to control me from the grave.”
“He can try, but you’ll be Duke and he’ll be dead.” Edmund swallowed. Saying that out loud was too harsh, and he wanted to run to his greenhouse and hide.
“Thwaitepiddle. You aren’t supposed to say that.” George’s eyes were wide and his cheeks slightly flushed.
“We are already speaking frankly. This situation isn’t ideal and His Grace has left the choice to you. Whatever you choose, he will take advantage of, and perhaps in a way that we can’t predict.”
“If that is true, then all I can do is wait for an apology. I’m not walking through his door without one.”
Edmund wished he had the confidence to make that choice. All his life he’d let his brother do what he wanted. He’d let hisbrother manipulate him because his roses were more important than any of the ways his brother tried to make him miserable.
“I’ve spent over a month thinking about this, ever since he banished me, and there’s nothing I would’ve done differently. I don’t believe I’m selfish, and I think his reaction to my choice to get some space from him was an over-reaction that he can apologise for. If he’s not going to do that, then I have my whole life to ponder why he was so stubborn and preferred his opinions over wanting me.”
Edmund’s heart broke for George because that summed it up well. “He’s a Duke with all that power and he still wanted more. I think he enjoys controlling us. He always threatened my roses whenever I didn’t obey him.”
“And now the roses will kill him. Perhaps he shouldn’t have destroyed them.”
“Maybe but I wish he’d listened when I told him to be careful. Rose gardener’s disease is awful, a slow agonising death that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.”
“I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone either. I shouldn’t have to grapple with the despair of being discarded by my father, of knowing that he doesn’t care for me, not even as his heir. He doesn’t love me. All he cares about is my obedience, and worse, it’s confusing because when I obey, he’s fun and interesting and he used to teach me about how to be a Duke, and he’d reward me. It’s confusing.”
Edmund nodded. “Almost no one else understands that. They don’t see the way he erodes your confidence, they only see the charm, because no one is disagreeing with him in society. He’s a Duke. All they see is that.”
“It’s as if he saves the worst of himself for those closest to him.”
“But only once we can’t leave. That is really your greatest sin. He banished you for daring to leave him, and ...” Edmundgasped. “He will never apologise because he believes you should apologise for leaving first. He must believe that you erred him first and therefore his actions are fully justifiable.”
“And so, it is only logical that his door is suddenly open to me because this is all my fault?”
“I don’t agree with that, but I wonder if that is what he thinks.”
George shook his head. “If this is love, I don’t want it.”
“Love?” Edmund blinked at the sudden change in direction.
“Aren’t parents supposed to love their children? If he can throw me away, he never loved me, and what am I to do with that?”
“What has made you wonder this?”
“Kelmscott adores his children. I didn’t know a family could be like that until I lived with them. The worst part is that I feel unlovable. What is wrong with me?”
Edmund puzzled over that. “Nothing is wrong with you. His Grace is controlling, and you refused be to be controlled. If someone is a problem here, it’s also me. I let him control me. Even on his death bed, he is arranging a marriage for me.”
