Page 75 of The Shadows Beyond
Pulling him upright, Julien stepped back, gripping Cinn’s wrist to drag him past the bar, across the dance floor, out the front door, up the busy street, and down a quiet side alley, a whirlwind journey that knocked the breath out of them.
Face dazed, Cinn half stumbled as Julien perched on a low wall and tugged him onto his lap. Julien smiled against the soft skin that was back against his, where it belonged. He hooked his fingers through the belt loops of Cinn’s trousers, then pulled on the material of his shirt until he’d freed it from his trousers, to slide his fingers up the expanse of warm skin he’d craved since yesterday.
But Cinn had fallen very still, freezing Julien’s exploration. Cinn leant his forehead against his. In the quietest of voices, a whisper in the cool wind that whistled down the cobbled alley, he said, “I can’t.” And then, still with his forehead touching Julien’s: “I’m sorry.”
In lieu of a reply, Julien froze stone still himself, hoping to calcify the feeling of Cinn’s weight on him, the warmth of his minty breath, the subtle shift of his forehead rocking gently left, then right across Julien’s own.
If Julien didn’t move, perhaps they’d remain suspended in time, and he wouldn’t have to hear Cinn’s next words.
“I can’t. I want to. God help me, I want to so much, but I can’t.”
“Why?” Julien whispered.
“I can’t docasual, Julien. It’s not me. I haven’t actually been with anyone else since Tyler, and that was years ago now.”
Swallowing his choked sound of surprise, Julien considered his next words, twisting them around his tongue.
What if—
You don’t—
But we could be—
If I—
Maybe this time—
He’d taken too long. Cinn was unwrapping himself from him, sliding away, away fromhim, and then he was pressing his lips to Julien’s forehead, the spot where they’d just been touching, and walking away without looking back.
When he turned the corner, Julien expelled an almighty gasp, as if he’d been punched in the stomach. The visceral ache in his chest saw him sliding off the wall, onto the ground, to lean his head back against the cool brick.
What had just happened? Why did it feel like Cinn had just stabbed him in the heart? Julien had only been seeking physical intimacy from him anyway, and he could get that anywhere. This was no great loss. They would simply go back to being friends.
Then, Cinn’s golden-hazel eyes filled his mind, blinking once, and Julien reached out his hand into empty air to tug on a beanie hat that wasn’t there.
He shook his head at himself. Waves of dissociation collided with unrecognisable desires ofwanting.Longing.
Julien didn’t have many people in his life he was close to. Scrap that, he had only two. A potential three if Cinn didn’t get sick of him. But two very special, treasured jewels he’d do anything for. He felt no urge to ever surround himself with a wider group of people who’d never truly know him.
Within his inner circle, he had trust. Security. It was so easy for a lover to drop out of your life—this he knew first-hand. He’d done it to others, when he’d gotten too close to them. Here one day, then gone the next, as fleeting as a passing breeze. Don’t get attached, don’t get hurt.
Yes, having a partner was a risk. A risk he’d never taken.
And wasn’t the ache in his chest right now the perfect reminder why? If he felt this awful now, what would he feel like if he had his already-fragile heart broken?
Béatrice’s dismayed face appeared in his mind, shaking her head sadly.So your plan is to be alone forever?she said.Sounds great.
In response to the figment of his imagination, Julien tore at his hair, expelling an almighty groan.Calme-toi. Je suis ridicule.
Forcing himself to his feet, he dusted himself off before using two hands to pull his cheeks upwards, forcing his lips into a smile. Because Julien didn’t skulk in alleys after being rejected.
He could go back onto the main street and find a different bar, pick up a different body to fill the void inside him.
However, Cinn was staying at his house, and he couldn’t simply abandon him. The thought was unthinkable.
Plus, you don’t want anybody else. You only want him.
But he couldn’t have him, because Julien had fucked it up. Messed up any chance of being with him, because he was clearly hell-bent on self-sabotaging any chance of happiness.
