Page 106 of The Shadows Beyond
Julien brushed his hand over Cinn’s. “I’m not judging your decisions, honestly.”
“Thanks.” Cinn’s smile didn’t meet his eyes. “I judge myself enough for both of us, though. I ended up killing four people, after all.”
“The murderous ghost did,” Julien corrected.
Cinn didn’t argue, only slumped back further into the seat, arms folded.
Diverting the topic, Julien said, “Has Tyler ever sought professional help? For his addiction?”
Eyeing Julien warily, Cinn answered. “He’s been in a few free programs. It’s hard to get into them, and they’re quick to kick you out for any reason under the sun.”
The line further emptied, leaving the seats opposite them free. Julien’s gaze flicked to Elliot, but he was waxing lyrical about motorbike tyres.
“Oui, I’m sure, but he can’t continue to rely on you to drag him out of his shit every time he fucks up.”
He’d said the wrong thing by far. The look on Cinn’s face chilled him. “I don’t mind him relying on me. I never have. I’ll always be there if he needs me.” He narrowed his eyes. “I told you that you didn’t have to come with me for this, you know.”
But if him relying on you ends up with you being coerced into committing crimes, surely it’s time for you to rethink your approach.
“I only meant that Tyler needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.”
“Yeah, of course, and I’m trying to get him there.”
By dropping everything to save the day for him, every single time?
He knew that he should bite his tongue, but Julien couldn’t resist replying, “But what if he needs to be allowed to fall before he can learn to pick himself up?”
A red flush burst across Cinn’s face, and that was how Julien knew he had gone too far.
“Fall? You think he hasn’t fallen enough already? Christ, Julien, you have no idea what it’s like to watch someone you care about spiral downwards again and again, hitting every damn rock on the way. So no, I won’t watch him crash and burn just because of some twisted sense of tough love. This isn’t about letting him fall. It’s about lifting him up when he’s too damn broken to stand on his own. You’ve clearly been lucky enough that you’ve never been in the position of loving someone drowning in their own demons, so you’re in no position to judge.”
Stunned into silence, Julien could only stare at the blackness rushing past them outside of the window. A few lines of defence threatened to escape his mouth, but he swallowed them.
There was one question ricocheting around his mind that refused to be silenced, however. He studied Cinn’s reflection in the darkened glass across from them, asking the question, “Do you still love him?” Every fibre of his being held a breath in anticipation, every muscle in his face tensed, a perfect blank mask that would show no reaction to Cinn’s answer.
Fiddling with the drawstring of his hoodie, Cinn exhaled a breath, then said, “Tyler’s my blood. Have I even told you that we met in juvie? Anyway, he saved me in there. I wouldn’t have made it through without him. We grew up together, that year we spent in Feltham, then the years that followed. I’ll always feel connected to him in some way. But to answer your question, no. It’s not like that between us any longer. Hasn’t been in years.” Cinn hesitated before continuing, “For me, at least.”
Julien allowed some of the tension to dissipate from his body. “Does he still love you?”
Cinn took a moment. “In a complicated way, maybe? His attachment to me is all wrapped up in how much we depended on each other in the past. He’s never been able to move on with his life like I have. He had an even shittier start to life than me, though,” Cinn said forcefully, as if demanding Julien believe him. “It fucked him up more than you could ever imagine.”
Julien offered one sharp nod, pursing his lips together.
“And he wants to get clean. He really does.”
“I’m sure,” Julien said.
Continuing to study their dual reflection in the window, the realisation hit him—he was now only a handful of minutes away from finally meeting this fabled Tyler. And he could only guess at what sort of opinion Tyler would have of him. He didn’t give a damn, but what would Tyler say to Cinn about him? And what if he somehow convinced Cinn that he needed to return to London ASAP?
“You get that it’s completely over between us, right? In that way?” Cinn said quietly, almost inaudible amongst the noise of the carriage. “You don’t need to be…”
Their eyes locked upon one another in the reflection.Jealous. The unspoken word hung in the air, its toxic tendrils poisoning the atmosphere.
Julien didn’t dojealous. After all, you couldn’t possibly get jealous if you never had relationships.
“I’m not,” Julien replied, dripping confidence into every syllable, turning to flash Cinn his wolfish smile.
Of course he wasn’t. He didn’t need to be. Cinn wanted him. He saw it in every quick glance towards him when Cinn thought he wasn’t looking, the way his eyes sparked with desire whenever they touched, the way he fell into step with Julien whenever they walked, his arms brushing his on every other stride. He saw it whenever he pulled on his olive-green beanie, the tiniest of smiles gracing his lips as he positioned it on his head.
