Page 108 of Up In Flames
Just one terrible interaction that I never got the chance to apologize for, and then silence.
Phoenix
Fuck, Knox. I’m so sorry.
In a rare display of maturity,Phoenix’s next message is disturbingly level-headed.
Phoenix
I’m sure he’ll come back.
But if he doesn’t, you’ve learned a lot about yourself. Maybe that was the whole point?
Now your proverbial sea is twice as big, and your proverbial fish population has doubled in size.
Knox
I’m not interested.
The only analogy about the sea I can currently relate to is wanting to drown in it.
Phoenix
I’m on my way over.
There won’t beany more fish. I’m done. I’ll figure out how to be content alone or die trying.
Chapter 38
Taylor
I’ve cycled through every emotiontwicesince leaving Knox and Patrick in that parking lot…and I’m fucking exhausted. It’s also made my patience extra thin today since I slept like a heaping pile of guilty dog shit last night.
Ihatedthat Knox and Patrick were arguing about me while acting like I wasn’t even there. But it’s not until this exact moment that I’ve realized Knox wasn’t doing it to baby me, belittle me, or manipulate me; he was doing it to takecareof me.
Because that’s who Knox is.
A nurturer. A caregiver. A protector.
Unlike Patrick, who always wanted complete control of me and our relationship.
Once again, creating physical distance has helped me gain perspective, but I hope it’s not too late to make things right because Ireallyfucked up.
I can’tbelieveI left Knox like that. And my silence? Unforgivable. I knew what that kind of exit would do to him. My only piss-poor excuse is that discovering Patrick is so adamant about getting me back threw me for a loop. I wasn’t prepared for it. I’m still not sure I entirely grasp his change of heart.
As soon as we’re wheels down back in Raleigh, I call Knox, hating myself for the pain I’ve caused him with my silence. I’ve had Phoenix’s words on repeat in my mind this entire flight.Tell him what’s going on, and for the love of God, please don’t just leave him with no warning or explanation.
My call goes to voicemail, ramping up my anxiety since my texts to him have gone unanswered as well.
What if I’m too late and he hates me?
Honestly, I’d fucking deserve it, but I can’t lose him.
Ilovehim.
And it’s time he knows that.
When his voicemail beeps, I do my best to hold it together and form actual sentences.
