Page 87 of Control Freak
“I wouldn’t say that. I just want it to come more easily. To reach out casually, to cuddle on the couch, or not worry about rolling into him when I sleep, you know? To justbetogether, like everyone else is.”
“It may never feeleasy,” she said gently. “I don’t want to give you unrealistic expectations. But it can get better. You must be patient.”
I huffed an annoyed breath. “I figured you’d say that.”
She smiled, eyes twinkling. “That doesn’t mean you can’t add a little romance. Have a date night. Turn on some soft music. Make these intimate times more about connecting with each other than checking items off a list.”
I chewed my inner cheek. “We’ve never, um, gone on a date.”
“Oh?” She looked surprised.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I said quickly. “But Shiloh came to stay with me to escape some bad circumstances. It didn’t feel right to ask him out at first, and now we’re caught up in thiswhole healing journey of mine. How do I separate all that from what we are to each other?”
“I don’t think you do,” Dr. Levy said. “We all carry things with us, Holden. We have challenges, stress, and emotional wounds. We learn in childhood how to cope with our trauma. Even once we no longer need those tools, they’re tough to put down. We’ve convinced ourselves they are crutches we need to walk.”
“Okay…” I said, unsure where she was going with this.
“Putting down your crutches will be even harder, Holden. You think these crutches not only help you walk but keep you from falling off a cliff. These are survival mechanisms. They’re part of you. And Shiloh’s challenges are his. If you wait for the perfect time when neither of you are burdened by difficulty, you might wait forever.”
“So, you’re saying I should ask him on a date?”
She shrugged one shoulder. “Only if you want to date him.”
I chuckled. “That’s a given.”
“Then there’s no reason you shouldn’t.”
“But what if…” I trailed off, trying to find the right words. Dr. Levy waited patiently. “What if I can’t ever give him more than this? He deserves better.”
“You deserve better,” she said softly. “But it seems to me that only Shiloh can decide what he deserves.”
“You said before that some patients manage to have sex,” I said tentatively. “But it’s so much contact. I feel like it would take years to get there, so how…”
“Well, biology takes over for some people. Once they hit a certain point, their touch aversion shuts down, and their body acts on instinct. I can’t promise that will happen for you, and I absolutely do not advise forcing yourself beyond your comfort level to find out. You must respect your limits. As your trustfor Shiloh grows, as your body acclimates to that trust, you will know what feels right.”
I wasn’t entirely happy with Dr. Levy’s answer. I wanted a blueprint with arrows leading from handholding to sex in a few easy steps. I didn’t want to follow my body’s timeline. Based on lived experience, it could take anywhere from a couple of weeks to two decades. Shiloh was a patient guy, but no one wanted to wait twenty years to get fucked.
And judging by Shiloh’s reactions when I assisted in his finger-fucking, he was a very eager bottom. He was a sensual guy, someone who’d turned to sex work to make extra cash. He wasn’t going to be satisfied with these half measures, was he?
“I can see your wheels grinding,” Dr. Levy said. “Do you have any of those stress balls I gave you?”
I jerked open a drawer, pulled out a ball designed to look like a panda head, and squeezed it repeatedly, working off some excess frustration.
“I hate this,” I said. “I just want to drive the car, and you’re telling me to wait until the engine sounds ready to rev.”
She smiled sympathetically. “I know it’s frustrating, Holden. I know you want to move faster. But don’t get so impatient that you forget to appreciate how far you’ve come. You share a bed with Shiloh. You share touch with him. If you give yourself time, there’s more ahead. This is just the beginning.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “You’re right. I’ve been holding back, afraid of failure. Afraid it would mean the end, but also afraid I’ll never move forward.”
“Fear can be paralyzing,” she agreed. “Every journey begins with one step and then another. I know it’s a cliché, but try to take it a day at a time. It really does work.”
There was a knock, and I reflexively glanced toward my door, but it was on Dr. Levy’s end. “I’m late for an afternoon session. I must go. Let me give you one quick bit of homework before I go.”
I rolled my eyes.
“If you’d rather not think of it as homework, then think of it as a friendly suggestion.”
“Homework is fine.” I had an achiever personality, after all. “What is it?”
