Page 49 of Control Freak
“Don’t apologize that my shitty mattress is letting us down,” he said. “We can’t keep going on like this, can we?”
My heart lurched. Was he about to tell me I needed to find other arrangements? I’d been looking at rentals online, but between a deposit and first and last month’s rent, I’d be giving up every dollar I’d saved. And a paranoid part of me was afraid Brick and Curtis would show up the moment I was on my own without any cash or protection.
They hadn’t found me, but they weren’t gone. I knew that much because anonymous users kept popping up on my cam site and making threats.
“Just get in the bed with me,” Holden said.
I froze, shocked. “What? But what if I touch you in my sleep or something?”
“I can zip myself into the sleeping bag, and we can put some pillows between us,” he said. “I should have just done that from the beginning, but…”
I hesitantly took a step toward the bed. “But it takes a lot of trust?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” Holden rolled out of the bed and gathered up the sleeping bag. “Logically, I do. With my heart, I do. It’s that my body is very distrusting. I once trusted my parents, even as they hurt me, and so my nervous system wiring doesn’t trustme.That’s the truth of it.”
“Are you sure this is okay, then?”
Holden set his jaw, a determined look taking over his expression. “I want it to be.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said.
He nodded. “I know, and you won’t. I feel safe with you. We’ve shared the same space for days.”
“Okay.” I swallowed. “Just tell me if I do anything wrong. Anything at all.”
He smiled faintly. “You always do everything right, Shy. You’re good for me.Thisis good for me. Letting someone closer.”
He seemed to mean it. If he’d only been trying to make me feel better, I might have insisted on the sofa. But Holden wanted this, and I couldn’t bring myself to deny him anything he wanted. Not when he asked for so little.
“Okay.”
Holden pulled down the blankets. “You take the side farther from the door. I need a quick exit, if you’re okay with that?”
“Sure.” I crawled into the bed, aware as I did that my tiny briefs gave Holden a good view of my ass cheeks.
I wiggled my ass playfully, because I could never resist flirting, and he laughed.
“Don’t tempt me right now,” he said.
I gazed over my shoulder. “Would anything I did really tempt you?”
He rolled out the sleeping bag on top of the comforter I’d just climbed under. “Everything about you tempts me, Shy. Believe me, the fact I don’t touch isn’t because I don’twantto.”
“Oh. I guess…I don’t really understand how it is for you.”
“I barely understand it, and I’ve been living with it for most of my life.”
Holden clicked off the lamp, and the bed shifted as he climbed into the sleeping bag and zipped it up. He put the pillow I’d been using between us.
Banshee wiggled up there too, and when I moved onto my side, a quiet growl rumbled from her throat.
“Whoa,” I muttered. “Someone’s protective.”
“Shh, Banshee,” Holden murmured. “It’s okay. Shiloh’s a good one.”
Banshee nuzzled in against his side, a more effective blockade than any pillow. He slipped a hand out of the sleeping bag to stroke her head, and I was officially jealous of a dog.
Holden sighed. “I do want touch. I get lonely. I hate that my trauma defines me like this.”
