Page 46 of Control Freak
“I’m just wondering about what’s possible for me. Should I bother to even hope…?”
“Always hope, Holden. It’s a powerful healing tool.”
“But sex is so vulnerable. Naked. And it’s not just one quick touch, but prolonged contact. Do any of your patients really manage that?”
“Well, I can’t talk about anyone specific, but yes, Holden. Patients with touch aversion due to traumacanhave physical intimacy again. But no trauma is the same, and no trauma response is the same. I can’t guarantee you anything.”
I nodded.
“But what I’m hearing is that you want this for yourself, and that’s more than I’ve seen in the past five or six years.” Her voice turned teasing. “This Shiloh must have made quite an impression.”
I chuckled, my face heating. “Um, yeah. We…met online.”
“Ah.”
There was a wealth of understanding in that one syllable. But then it was Dr. Levy who suggested I find some kind of outletfor my sexual frustration after I’d pulled a hamstring at the gym from working my body so hard. She’d been the one to mention that the internet had all sorts of sexual content I might find interesting.
I’d never given her any details of my sessions with Shiloh. I’d wanted to keep him to myself. But now…
“We had video sex for weeks,” I admitted. “And now that he’s here…”
“You still have a sexual attraction,” Dr. Levy filled in.
“Yes. We, uh, sort of had sex without touching. In the same room. And Shiloh asked if I’d want to do that again.”
“Do you?”
“God yes,” I said so quickly it was embarrassing.
Dr. Levy and I both laughed. I covered my hot face with one hand.
“This is wonderful, Holden. I’m so happy you’ve met someone special.”
I dropped my hand. “But where can it go? I want to touch him so much, you know? He can’t possibly be satisfied with this kind of sex. He’s normal.”
She blew a raspberry at me. “What’s normal, anyway?”
“You know what I’m saying,” I persisted. “He’s used to sexual partners who don’t avoid touch.”
“Well, I can’t speak to what Shiloh wants or doesn’t want. You’d have to ask him about that.”
That was fair. Annoying, but fair.
“Let’s talk about what you want,” she said. “If Shiloh’s perfectly happy having intimacy this way, would you be satisfied?”
My stomach twisted up. “No. But I’ve never beensatisfiedwith any of this. It wasn’t my choice.”
“No,” she said gently. “But it’s important to know what you really want.”
“I want him. But—” I shook my head, swallowing down the words that hurt. The words that carried truth, but also pain.
“But what? I can’t help you if you hold back.”
I balled up my fists, nails cutting into my palms.
Dr. Levy leaned forward, picking up a stress ball that looked like a panda head and tossing it to me. I had a handful of these at home because every time I got stressed, she gave me another one.
I caught the ball and squeezed it in my hand, squishing the panda’s face. It was still dang cute, though. I squeezed and released it three times, breathing slowly, centering myself.
