Page 36 of Sunastara & the Venusian
He was right. I’d been so unfair to Freddie, and to Raphe. But not without reason. “What if I can’t? What if I’m too”—I summoned every ounce of courage I had in my entire body to utter the word—“scared?”
He cupped my face between his hands, brushed his thumbs over my cheeks, and gazed into my eyes. “You do what we all do when it’s required of us. Be brave.”
13
After another hourin which Raphe helped me figure my life out, I left his suite, hugging him for a solid minute before he went to the gym to “work off some steam.” Staggering numbly into the staff elevator, I pushed the button for deck twelve and swayed on my feet while the doors closed. It was late. Well, technically, it was early. I should be a good girl and go to my pod, get some sleep. But as the doors slid open, a strange and bitter clarity clawed its way to the surface.
Because I should be sleeping soundly in Raphe’s arms, completely spent after a spectacular night. The fact that I wasn’t, that I couldn’t, was an issue that needed to be sorted out. Immediately.
Stomping down the hall, propelled by a renewed sense of purpose, I reached his suite, clenched my jaw so tightly something squeaked, and knocked three times on his door. It wasn’t like I knew exactly what I was about to say to him; there was nothing poetic in the words bouncing around my head. But I had a general idea, a gist, a few salient points.
When he opened his door, however, wearing rumpled flannel pajamas with tiny bow ties all over them and a sleep mask pushed up onto his forehead, spiking his bangs, I violently shoved down what felt like the beginnings of a laugh.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, looking as surly as a being could look while wearing flannel bow tie jammies. “Let me guess. You haven’t wounded me enough already tonight, so now you’ve come to gloat?”
“Excuse me?” I gasped. “No, I did not come togloat. As a matter of fact, I have nothing togloatabout, thanks to you.” Elbowing past him, I barged into his pod.
“Oh, well. Yes. Please. Come right on in, why don’t you.” He mashed his security panel, and his door slid closed. “I wasn’t doing anything important like, I don’t know, sleeping. And…wait. What did you say?” The sting slipped from his voice. “What do you mean you have nothing to gloat about?”
Wheeling on him, I flung out my arms in a frustrated arc. “What I mean is that despite my best efforts, nothing happened with Raphael tonight.”
Freddie, wisely, didn’t say a word.
“That’s right. We were alone, in his room, two consenting adults. And I couldn’t do it.”
Sitting down on the edge of his bed, he said, “That’s…interesting.”
“Interesting?” I repeated, glaring down at him. “You think it’s interesting that I couldn’t sleep with a man I’ve been sleeping with—with much enjoyment—for the last five years?”
His shoulders inched toward his ears. “I mean…”
My eyes narrowed.
“What, uh…” He scratched his head. “What happened? Why couldn’t you, um, do it?”
He looked so absurd in his pajamas, with his bangs pushed up by his sleep mask. Nobody could have a conversation like this. “I can’t even take you seriously right now,” I said, pointing to the mask. “Can you please take that ridiculous thing off?”
Wincing, he said, “Sorry.” Then he slipped off the mask and folded it neatly on his lap. While he ran a hand through his hair, I tried not to study the way his bangs slid back into place, the way the muscles of his forearm flexed, the way his veins traveled over his wrist like lines on a map. Either I didn’t try hard enough, or—and more worryingly—when it came to Freddie, it didn’t matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t stop looking at him. I couldn’t stop finding reasons to be closer to him. I couldn’t stop wanting him. I couldn’t stop.
What I was about to tell him was dangerous. And probably stupid. But sometimes, despite one’s best efforts, the only thing left to do was the stupid thing. “What happened was,” I began, clearing the tremor from my voice, “every time I looked at Raphael, every time he touched me, every time he merely breathed beside me, all I could think about, all I could see, all I couldfeel…was you. And, well, he didn’t find that very appealing. Neither did I, for that matter.”
His eyes were comically wide. “Sunny, I?—”
I raised my hand. “I don’t know what any of this means, Freddie. I wish I did, believe me. But one thing I do know is that I will not be an enjoyable person to be around if I can no longer have sex.”
He laughed. The man actually laughed.
“You think this is funny?” I scowled. “This is humorous to you?”
For a moment, he had the decency to look ashamed. Until he burst into laughter again.
“Freddie!”
“I’m so sorry,” he said, not looking sorry at all. “I realize this is a difficult time for you. But Sunny, you just told me you’ve been thinking about me. And considering how much time I spend thinking about you”—a smile tilted his lips—“you can’t blame me if I’m a little happy right now.”
Ignoring every rational thought still pretending it had any sway over me—and even though it felt like flying into the event horizon of a black hole—I took a step toward him. “I don’t know what to do here, Freddie.” I took another step. “But I’m thinking, maybe…” This next step brought me up to his knees, which he politely spread apart for me. After a small breath and one final step, I settled into the space between his legs. Maybe it was reckless, what I was about to suggest. But in that moment, in my sleep-deprived brain and orgasm-deprived body, it was the only thing that made sense. “If I can’t have sex with anyone else,” I said while his eyes found mine, his hands sliding up my thighs. “Maybe I can at least have sex with you.”
He stared up at me, and aside from my thundering heart, an eternity of silence stretched out between us. In that silence, his fingers squeezed my thighs gently, sending a surge of electric heat through my chest, spiraling in my core, sparking into each one of my toes. His warm hands moved up my body, over my hips, his fingertips grazing my sides, and I moaned at the need rushing through me. But then, suddenly, he wrapped his arms around my waist, yanked me close, turned his cheek to rest against my belly, and said, so softly, so sweetly, “No.”
