Page 100 of Reaper & Ruin
Just a little. A socially acceptable amount.
Okay, no. There were tears. Snot. Choking. Shaking limbs and gasping breaths. Hair plastered to my face from the sheer heat my breakdown emanated from me.
I’d wandered a little way from the cabin. Only to the seats on the front drive, by the BBQ we’d used a handful of times on the extra hot days. But it seemed like a good place to sit and cry where nobody could hear me.
Gio was inside, sleeping off the painkillers Silver had insisted on giving him. She’d stitched him up herself, her hands steady as she insisted she’d done it so many times before that things would be fine. I could still picture him sprawled out onthe couch, his breathing shallow but even, his face pale. I was worried he was in pain, but at least he was safe. He was home with me again.
I should have felt relief, joy even, but instead, I felt…everything. Pride that we’d survived. That we’d won. That we’d killed Giorgio and finally avenged Missy. But it wasn’t just that. There was sadness, and stress, and this heavy emptiness that I couldn’t seem to shake no matter how hard I tried.
Malivore padded over silently, and I reached out and ran my fingers through her thick coat, my hand moving mechanically as my thoughts churned.
It was over. Everything I’d planned for, everything we’d fought for, was done. Giorgio was dead. The man who had ruined so many lives was gone, and I’d been the one to help take him out. I should’ve felt proud. And I did, a little.
I should have thought about his dying face, not all the ways his death was going to fuck us over and make things worse.
I should have thought about anything other than how much I missed Missy.
The thoughts hit me like a punch to the gut, and I let out a shaky breath, my fingers tightening in Malivore’s fur.
Missy.Her voice, her laugh, the way she always knew how to make me smile even when the world was falling apart. I’d killed Giorgio for her. I’d done it for her memory, for justice, for revenge.
But she was still gone.
My vision blurred, and I pressed my hands to my face as the tears came harder. I sobbed into my arms, my whole body shaking with the force of it. Malivore nudged my leg with her nose, letting out a soft whine, but it only made me cry more. The ache in my chest felt endless, raw and gnawing, like a piece of me had been ripped away and no amount of bloodshed or vengeance could ever fill it.
I didn’t hear Rowan approach.
His hand on my arm startled me, but his voice was soft, familiar. “Lucky,” he said gently, “what’s wrong?”
I looked up, blinking through the tears. I had no idea what he saw on my face. But without a word, he pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me as if he could hold me together.
For a moment, I couldn’t speak. I just buried my face in his shoulder and let the tears come, my breath hitching as I tried to find the words. Finally, I managed, “I thought… I thought killing Giorgio would make me feel better. That it would fix the piece of my heart that was broken.” My voice cracked, and I shook my head. “But—”
Rowan pulled back just enough to look at me, his hands still resting on my arms. His dark eyes were steady, his expression understanding in a way that cut through my grief like a knife. “But it didn’t work,” he whispered. “You’re still just as broken. Only now your soul is stained, too. I get it, Lucky. I know how you feel.”
The words hung between us, and for a moment, I hated him for saying them. For knowing that he had left me behind for his vengeance, but in the end it hadn’t done shit…
But he wasn’t wrong.
I met his gaze, and for the first time, I realized he knew exactly how I felt, and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. He’d been here before—this place of hollow victory, where revenge left nothing but ashes behind. Maybe instead of thinking about myself when I thought of what he did, I ought to have thought about him.
I might have been left behind, but he’d been in prison. I’d lost him, but I had Missy. I had Ruby and Lola. I had old man Roger, and Adonis and all the other random people who asked about my day and cared about to check in on me.
I had Gio and Atlas.
Rowan had nobody.Nothing.
He hadn’t been able to stare at the stars in the sky and wonder what he would do tomorrow. He couldn’t do anything he wanted at all. And why? Because he wanted to get revenge for me. For our parents. For the things he lost, too.
“I just want her back,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I want her with me. Revenge didn’t bring her back, and that’s all I wanted. I just… I just want her back. And I’m sorry I was mad at you. I’m sorry I made you feel bad for doing what you did.”
The tears started again, harder this time, and Rowan pulled me close, holding me like I was something fragile, something worth protecting. “I know,” he murmured, his voice steady and quiet. “I know, Lucky.”
We sat like that for a while, the dark woods stretching around us, the stars overhead shining too brightly for how I felt. He didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t need him to. He just held me, his presence solid and unshakable, as I cried into the night.
Eventually, the tears slowed, leaving me feeling hollow and strange. The grief was still there, sharp and gnawing, but Rowan’s arms around me dulled its edge, just enough for me to breathe again.
Missy was gone. Nothing could change that. But I wasn’talone, and I had my brother back. That had to count for something.
