Page 91 of Grounded
"What do you need to know for the reunion?" I ask her.
"What happened between you and your friends, for one?"
Cursing under my breath, I admit, "It's not good. Thinking back on it, it's childish and stupid."
"An emotion you're all too familiar with, but continue."
I pretend to splash her again, but before I do, she dips underwater and submerges herself whole. When she comes up for air, she wipes back her hair so it's no longer in her face.
She removed her makeup upstairs and the simplicity of the sight before me makes me lose my breath. My chest throbs for the yearning to touch her. She's effortlessly beautiful. And I can't even tell her this because she won't believe me. Won't believe I'm capable of such a compliment.
"My dad and Seth's dad were in the military together. Different branches; they never knew each other, but the familiarity was there. His dad came home and mine didn't. It was harder and harder going to his house, knowing his dad was alive. And when I had to move into your house, I didn't want him over."
"Why not?"
"This isn't my house. I'm not comfortable here."
"But I remember Seth still came over from time to time. It's vague, but I remember."
"Want to know why he stopped?"
"Yes."
"He wanted to ask you out. I told him he couldn't."
"Why?" she hesitates.
I exhale and notice the way Amelia is watchful of the way my chest deflates. Maybe she's checking to make sure I'm breathing throughout all this. I'm inhaling but my lungs are struggling.
"I was resentful. I was already dealing with a lot, and the last thing I wanted was to lose a friend to you."
She's silent but lowers herself into the water so the surface reaches her lips.
"You lost him anyway?"
"Yes. We got into a huge fight. I said you'd reject him anyway. He said I was being a jealous asshole. Then it turned into a bigger discussion about how depressed I was and I needed help."
"Seth said that to you?"
"Yeah, and in hindsight, he was right. I was a fucking mess. I still am."
Those last three words were an accident. I didn't mean to include them at the end of my sentence. But it's out there.
How can you not assume I'm a mess with the way my life is going? I haven't even looked for a job, I'm living each day with no plan for tomorrow. Amelia can speculate on her own that I don't have a lot going for me. I don’t know why the motivation has siphoned out of me.
"I know I was a jerk," I continue. "And I was jealous. You were the popular girl, and I was a pudgy loser."
She flinches, and I didn't mean to throw it back at her, but it's the truth.
"Do you ever wish you could do it all over again?" she asks.
"In what way?"
"All of it? High school. Demand your dad not go on his deployment. I'd force my mom to go to the doctor sooner and maybe buy more time. Wish for a different ending?"
"All the time."
"I'm starting to think nothing is going to work out for me."
