Page 120 of Grounded
"Don't get ahead of yourself. You still drive me crazy."
I know this isn't a confession of love, but it feels like a milestone I will gladly accept. Perhaps we're on our way to a proper friendship.
"Since we're talking honestly," she begins. "What madeyoucome home for good?"
"The short story is I was running out of money. Habitat moved on to a new location, and I decided I wasn't going to follow them. I backpacked around and learned about new cultures, trading odd jobs for places to stay. My mom refused to wire me more money, so I knew my time was coming to an end. She did it in the past to get me to come home."
"Sounds fair. She missed her baby."
"How come you never came down when I was in town? LA isn't a far drive at all."
"Are we doing this now? Asking the hard questions about our past?" Her words are weighted with so much baggage from the last ten years.
"If you'd like. We've done more disgraceful things with our mouths than talk about the past."
Her cheeks blush a crimson color when she confesses, "This could get emotional. For either of us."
"We don't have to if you don't want to."
"No, maybe it's time. This needs to happen."
"What do you want to discuss first?"
Her voice is hushed when she asks, "Why did you try to kiss me before I left for college?"
My insides cave inward. Amelia came out swinging.
"Fuck," I huff and take a moment to start over.
My hope for that moment to have been lost to time has been crushed as I accept Amelia's memory is as sharp as mine. When I tried to kiss her, I misread our situation.
Amelia's first college semester was approaching, so she began packing early, anxious to get the hell out of there. In her final week at home, she asked for my help with the heavy boxes. I obliged because I knew our time was coming to an end, and I wanted to be around her as much as I could. Things were always heated between us, but I couldn't deny I was attracted to her from the day we first met. We were at her trunk, trying to make all her belongings fit like Tetris. She made a comment about how it was possible we'd never see each other again.
Perhaps it was wishful thinking, my brain telling me what it wanted to hear, but I thought that was my chance to kiss her goodbye. She recoiled as I made my move. It was a foolish and naive thing to do.
Who did something like that? Assumed his first kiss could be with someone who never liked him in the first place. And with someone as amazing asher. I felt like I didn't even know myself. My insecurities and failures as your typical eighteen-year-old kid were about to boil over. The rejection was a deluge of humiliation.
But how do I tell her that without disclosing every other part?
I put it as simply as possible. "I liked you."
It was a secret that wasn't quite a mystery to anyone, the one-sided attraction I felt for her. But now it's out there to pick apart.
"I misread the moment," I admit to myself and to her. "No, that's not entirely true. I was hoping for something between us when I knew nothing was there. I'm sorry. I feel horrible about it now, putting you in that situation when you clearly didn't like me."
"I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything. Please. I knew better, but I was hoping for a miracle."
Her cheeks are pink again, this time from the rush of blood and emotions overpowering her.
"It would have been a terrible kiss," I say to lighten the mood. You made the right move."
A muffled snort escapes her, which causes Amelia to cover her nose with her hands, stifling a stronger laugh.
"I'm serious," I continue, cherishing this opportunity to make her smile. "That kiss could have broken up our parents. You'd have told your dad, and he would have accused my mom of raising a horny little pervert."
"But youarea horny little pervert."
