Page 81 of Never Date A Player
“What—Mira?” He glares at the sky. “She was visiting, that’s all. There’s never been anything there.”
I sigh and soften my voice. “I know you’re not cheating. I mean, my first impression was a knee-jerk reaction in that direction, but that’s not really what I believe.”
I attempt to put together the jumble of thoughts running through my mind. “You’re tethered to Mira, unable to do anything that might disrupt her peace of mind. You get a girlfriend for the first time in years and Mira self-destructs, then you drop everything to rescue her.”
“Mira needs me,” he says.
I’m charging down a path that could sever things forever, but I can’t back down because the way things stand aren’t working for me—and because someone needs to tell Lewis. “She relies on you to the extent that you’re not really living. Think about it. At some point, Mira has to fight her own battles. We all do. I understand she has issues and you’ve been there for her. You are the best sort of guy for it. It’s actually this beautiful thing that she has someone like you in her life, only—I can’t—” I press my fingers to my mouth and stifle a choke. “I can’t do… this.”
Mira needs so much and I won’t ask him to choose between us. At the same time, I deserve more. I’ve always deserved more. With Lewis, I can’t stand the thought of settling for less.
He shakes his head. “What do you mean you can’t do this?”
“You’ve been distant and distracted. You didn’t share with me something huge you’ve been dealing with. It was about Mira, but it affected you. You should have told me. I need to know when things are bad for you, when you’ve got stress. I want to be a part of your life—your whole life.”
He slams his hand at the post. “Genevieve, I’m committed. What more can I give you?”
I flinch, surprised at the physical outburst. He normally keeps his emotions so contained. “Being monogamous is a big deal for you because you don’t date, but just saying you’re not seeing anyone else isn’t enough. I need more. I want to be a priority. I want it all.”
He scrubs his face and doesn’t say anything for a long moment.
“Lewis?”
“Give me time.”
What does that mean?
He steps forward like he’s going to hug me, and I step back, shaking my head. I ease inside and quietly close the door. Silent sobs erupt as I slide down the wood and hold my face in my hands.
Why doesn’t he know right now what he wants? What person needs to consider whether or not to make their girlfriend a priority? Either he does or he doesn’t.
I freeze, waiting to hear what he’ll do next, but the sound of his footsteps crunching on the gravel grows distant, then his car starts.
Tears stream down my face. He’s leaving.
I couldn’t stand there, begging to be a bigger part of his world. It’s depressing. But now that he’s gone, my heart aches. Are things really over?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
This is my last night of work before the race in a few days. A part of me wonders why I’m putting myself through this torture, given everything that’s happened, but I wanted to step outside the narrow box I’ve made of my life, and I will finish the race if it kills me. To prove I’m strong enough physically, emotionally.
On that thought, I dump three hot cocoa packets in my coffee. I need the extra sugar to get me through the night. Without the celebrity tournament and its amped-up energy, the lounge is dead. I’ve wondered if Maryanne sticks me here to keep an eye on me—as if it’s better to keep the crying, passing-out chick off the main floor. Most waitresses get a choice of slots or lounge, but no matter how many times I request slots, I’m stuck here.
Drake may also be to blame.
For whatever reason, Drake frequents the lounge, and it’s possible he’s making sure they station me here. The lounge is less busy, with fewer prying eyes. Not that prying eyes stopped him in the past, but he seems to put some thought into selecting a location to harass women. Darkened corners, the privacy of suites… I can’t wait to switch shifts. There’s gotta be one he doesn’t work.
Sallee Construction guys mill around the floor this evening, which makes me think of Lewis, not that he wasn’t already constantly on my mind. I made the right decision to confront him about Mira. It’s done. I told him I needed more and he didn’t say anything. He walked away. Most of the time I don’t regret my words. I love him, but if I’m giving all of myself, I deserve all of him in return. The rest of the time, I feel like my insides are slowly dying.
It’s only been a day since we spoke in the middle of the night, but that conversation felt final. Obviously he can’t give me more. If I had stayed with Lewis, his relationship with Mira would have either slowly ruined what we have together or it would have broken me.
I didn’t realize until I met him how little I gave of myself. It wasn’t until the walls and distance evaporated, broken down by other passions, that things became clear. No one had a chance before Lewis. I was myself with him, the good, the bad, the parts most tender—leave that stuff out there in a three-person relationship and it’ll get crushed.
Cali says I’m acting like a nut, throwing the relationship away. She doesn’t get it. Whatever Lewis and I shared, nothing will surpass his commitment to Mira. Morally, it’s different than my ex having a girlfriend back home, but it feels the same. Lewis is distant and distracted, and like I told him, I can’t do this. Not with him. I care too much.
I may have been naïve in the past and discovered too late that I wasn’t the priority I thought I was to some guy, but this is the first time I’ve considered sticking around regardless. Just to be with Lewis. Just to be a part of his life. It’s totally screwed up. I have to force myself not to call him. Thinking of him is the worst torture, so I’m trying not to, but the bright yellow construction shirts aren’t helping.
The workers are repairing electrical outlets, or some such; I’m not really sure. If I wasn’t so tuned in to the name of the company, I might not have noticed. Despite the eye-catching color of their attire, the workers have been stealthy, staying out of the way of customers and keeping a low profile. They arrived a couple of hours before the end of my shift, when the casino is less busy. I haven’t seen Lewis among them. He’s not one of the manual labor guys, but that hasn’t prevented me from searching for him.
