Page 8 of Revive
Xane met her gaze.
Sheesh, this man had eyes like wells. Looking into them was like seeing right to his core.
“Can we talk, Alle?” He pointed towards the seawall. Then not waiting for her response, crossed to it and took a perch upon its top, leaving her little choice but to follow. “I just want a minute, that’s all.”
She didn’t want to sit, but Xane seemed loath to open his mouth until she had her butt firmly seated.
“He’s struggling today. His anxiety levels are through the roof, and most of that’s down to the prospect of facing you. He has a lot of conflicting thoughts—”
“Is he drunk?” They’d had a few late-night chats where he’d clearly been worse for wear, so it wasn’t as if she wasn’t aware that he resorted to self-medicating.
“No, he’s not drunk, but he is afraid of how you’re going to react.”
“How I’m going to react?” she echoed in confusion.
Xane inclined his head ever so slightly. “What are you going to do when you see him? Do you know? He’s not going to handle it if you yell at him. And you need to seriously curtail any thoughts of getting overly physical, or getting the answers you want.”
“Does he even want to see me?”
Xane’s gaze dropped to the section of wall between them. Then he bussed the ring piercing through his lower lip. “I’m not sure there’s a straight answer to that. He does and he doesn’t. He’s missed you, but you also push his buttons, and there’s a whole lot of trauma the pair of you need to unpack and work through.”
“From what I hear, I’m not the only one pushing his buttons.”
He huffed and shook his head. “Something you want to ask me, Alle?”
“Yeah, are you shagging him? Is that what you’ve been doing until now? Is that why he doesn’t want to see me?”
There was a chilling flare in the silver-grey of his eyes. “If I thought it was the solution, I’d shag him every time he levelled me with those baby-blues. No, I have not spent the day getting off. I’ve spent it trying to hold him together and putting sticking plasters on shit.”
“You have, though, been shagging him? And I don’t mean in Gothenburg. I mean since. I know you have, he told me so. When you were wherever you were before you came here.”
Xane gave a shrug, like what she was saying was irrelevant. “Yeah, sure. Do you need the details? You can have them. I blew him, and then he got my boyfriend off while I was fucking him. And I sure as hell don’t regret it. You are not going to make me feel guilty for it, Alle Hutton. He fucking needed that release. We all did.”
“And since then?”
“It’s not really any of your business, is it?”
“I’m his girlfriend!”
His pierced brow twerked towards his hairline.
“Xane, please. The fact that you even said that means it’s a yes. Just tell me, please. I’ve sat here this afternoon and wondered what the fuck I’m doing. My life, my relationships, they’re all a sodding mess. I don’t know if he really wants me here, or whether he wants me at all. I don’t even know if attempting to be with him is in either of our best interests.”
“Fine,” he relented. “There’ve been three occasions since then. None of which have involved penetrative sex. So, you can get your mind out of the gutter over the notion that I’ve been banging him in the arse for the last few months.”
“Your choice or his?”
He tipped his head from side to side. “Kind of mutual.”
“Is that true?”
“No, Alle. Yes, it’s fucking true. Why the hell would I lie to you about it? But if you want any more details, you can ask him. Just don’t sodding hurt him while you’re doing it. He doesn’t need anyone making him feel bad about himself. Especially not about sex.”
“It actually…” She pressed a hand to his arm, cowed by his remarks but simultaneously elated. All this time she’d been navigating blind, stumbling through tomorrows subsisting on hope. Having been presented with this sliver of information, the tension in her head and throughout her body was already decreasing. Later, she was sure she’d have more thoughts and feelings about what he’d said as she truly processed it. For now, reacting didn’t seem half so important as having a clue what was going on. “Xane, thank you. It actually helps to have some clarity. I know you’ve been there for him.”
“Yeah, and I ain’t going anywhere, so I suggest you make peace with that.”
Close-lipped, she nodded at him. “Would it really have hurt so much to keep me in the loop? Things could have been different if you’d all given me an insight into what was going on from the start instead of shutting me out.”
