Page 48 of Reflex
“We are not doing this.”
Damn, the steel in his voice was unnerving her.He sounded so rigid on the issue.Unbreakable.
“Spook, please.I don’t understand.You’re not making sense.One minute you’re all over me, and now you’re pushing me away as if I’ve done something I shouldn’t.”
“I know I promised I’d try, but Alle—” His voice cracked.He took a breath, and swiped his tongue across the slash in his lip.“—what I failed to make clear was exactly how difficult I was going to find that.The reality is that this… This.Between us.It can’t happen.”
She had only one response to that.“Why?If we both want it, why can’t it happen, Spook?Please don’t suggest this is entirely one sided.”
“Alle, it’s not something I can compact into a few explanatory sentences.”
He didn’t need to.“I have as long as you need.”
His long hair swished against his shoulders as he shook his head, while further backing off.
“Please.Talk to me.Just explain what the problem is?If you’re worried about mechanics or anything after being celibate for so long—”
“I’m not.”
“That’s good.Then if it’s—”
“Alle, stop.”He waited until she was both still and quiet.“Look, I’m sorry.Sorry for leading you on.Sorry for making you think that there could be anything between us.There can’t.I can’t be the person you want me to be.I think you’re fucking amazing.I do.Truly.I wish I could be that person, but I can’t, and that’s not going to change.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but Spook raised his hand to hush her.“I can’t do this.I can’t argue the ins and outs of it with you.My head is way too messed up at the minute for that.”
“Because of last night?”
Yeah, last night.He steepled his fingers and pressed his thumbs to the bridge of his nose.After a moment collecting his composure, he straightened up once more.“Alle, some prick tried to rape me—”
“Oh my God!Spook.Jesus!”
Hurriedly, she closed the gap he’d opened up between them, intending to swaddle him in an embrace, but he lifted both hands again, forming a barrier.
Alle stared at him, taking in afresh the full extent of his physical injuries.The bruises around his throat, were they finger impressions?
“Alle.I didn’t tell you because I don’t want sympathy or special treatment.I’m only telling you because you deserve some sort of explanation and it’s the only one I can offer right now.You and me, it has to stop.Please.It’s too dangerous.”
He closed his eyes as if he expected her to blink out of his existence then and there.
“You don’t want us to see or speak to one another anymore?”
He didn’t actually need to vocalise an answer, the truth was evident in the rigour of his jaw, and the nervous tick pulsing in the side of his temple.His eyelids inched open.“I think it’d be for the best.”
Two fat tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.”
She held up her hand, turned, and fled.
