Page 217 of Lilah
My frustration built up too much. I shouldn't have let Aaron affect me like that. I'd let words affect me too much when I was younger; I thought I was past that.
I thought I'd be fucking stronger by now.
'You could never deserve Azalea. She's too good for you.'
'She'd never stay with you.'
It takes me back to a fucked up place in a fucked-up house during a fucked-up childhood.
Never havingreassurance,never being told something is wrong or right. Never being helped, no matter what. The only words being spoken were words about how life is unfair, the world is unfair, no one ever gets what they want, and expecting failure, expecting the worst because you'll never get the best.
And I took everything that I kept in, out on the one person who cares. Maybe she could've been reassurance? The one single person wholovesme and who cares not only about me but about how I feel and what I'm thinking.
Those words flew out of my mouth before I could think or stop them. I regret every fucking thing. I regret telling her 'nothing' when she asked what was wrong, I regret telling her that it wasn't her business because itisher business. She's so close to my feelings that everything of mine is hers, even my business.
I regret bringing up her dad. That was the shittiest thing I could've done. I regret not stopping even when her eyes started watering. And even more when she actually started crying. It hurt me to see that so why the fuck didn't I stop?
I regret not being happier for her when she told me she made a friend. She talks about making new friends and I was the fucker that ruined her excitement.
"Grey..." Jai drawls out, glancing at me almost confusedly.
"Are you okay?" Theo asks, walking closer, confused too.
I run my hand through my hair and internally curse on a nonstop wave. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked.
"I'm fucked."
"You're fucked?" Linc questions.
"Why're you fucked?" Jai questions, sitting in a barstool across from me.
"Is he on drugs?" Theo whispers to Linc. I might as fucking well be. I can't think clearly. All I can think of is her. So fucking beautiful. Why didn't I tell her that more often?
"She dumped me," for good reasons. She deserved better than I was talking to her. She deserves the fucking world but instead, she got me talking down to her like she was a piece of fucking trash.
Just like he said, she deserves better than me.Fuck.
I've literally proved everything he said.
I feel the guys' gazes go wide and look all over at each other. They don't say anything. Just like I couldn't say anything after she said she was done.
My heart stopped when I watched her take off my clothes and throw them at my feet. I went from barely registering what was happening around me when I was being fucking terrible to her, to being able to hear my own pounding heartbeat.
She can't be in Kentucky. She can't go to Kentucky. I'd do whatever the fuck she wants me to do but she's not here to tell me what I need to do. Or at Aaron's. Fuck.
"Why?" Jai questions quietly. I'm sure they think they're treading on thin ice, not knowing when I'm going to suddenly lose my shit but no thoughts have crossed my mind except for Lilah and how to get her back.
Why thefuckdid I let her walk out? She should've stayed and I should've gone. I could stay anywhere and she can't. And now where is she?
"Because I'm a fucking idiot," I answer truthfully.
"Well, I guess she's one less thing to worry about," Jonas shrugs and everyone goes almost silent. I pick up the sweet tea that sits in front of me and I throw it at him. Glass and all. In shock of that, he doesn't see my foot coming right at his face.
He flies back in his chair and I sit back down calmly. I look up at the clock and find that it's two in the afternoon.
She should be at Terrip's.
I shoot up from my seat and in a usual ten-minute walk, it only takes me six to get there.
