Page 23 of Outlawed Treat
“Well ...,” she starts saying as my mom places a hand on her shoulder.
“We got the kids.You go talk to him and we’ll get the kids ready for bed.They’ve had a long day today,” my mom tells her as Kreed stands from his seat on her other side and pulls her chair out.I watch my best friend whisper something in her ear before she slowly makes her way over to me.
Grabbing Cali’s hand, I lead her out of Kreed’s house to the swing at the end of the porch he installed just for her.She loves sitting outside on a porch swing listening to the world pass her by as she reads or simply sits and watches everything surrounding her.Once Cali takes a seat, I gingerly sit down next to her and use my foot to start us swinging slowly in the night as a gentle breeze blows around us.
“I’m sorry Tank did this to you,” Cali whispers, her voice breaking and I know she’s trying to hold back her emotions.
“It’s not his fault.I deserved this shit for the way I’ve been actin’.I honestly feel like Darren lately.I’m not sayin’ that in a bad way, but we both know all he did on leave was drink and sit in front of the TV.I’m not sittin’ in front of a TV, but I sure as fuck am drinkin’ the way he was.And I’m makin’ choices I shouldn’t.If you and the kids had walked in on some of the shit I’ve done in the common room, I’d be ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of my actions.I’ve just been so lost in my head the last several months and I couldn’t find a way out.Kreed kept warnin’ me he was gonna make the call and I didn’t believe him until my parents and grandparents showed up.Then Tank showed up today with my aunt Maddie.Not really what I wanna talk about with you though,” I say as Cali pulls her legs up under her body and wraps her arms around herself.It’s something she does when she’s preparing to hear something she doesn’t want to listen to.This is definitely going to be one of those conversations.
Turning in the swing, I take a good look at Cali.The moonlight is hitting her just right and she looks like an angel.There’s a glow to her hair and her blue eyes are sparkling in the evening light.As the wind gently circulates around us, a few tendrils of hair shift and blow around her face.It’s something she hates as I reach out and tuck them behind her hair.Her pale skin almost shimmers under the moon and I try to count the freckles on her face.She’s beautiful sitting on the swing next to me and the only thing I can think about is leaning over and kissing her like I’ve wanted to do for so long.
“Caleb, I know you’ve got the weight of the world sitting on your shoulders right now.The anniversary is coming up, you have an entire club to run, and the guilt is surrounding you like the heaviest cloak.Darren’s death isn’t on you and it never was.He took the risk and disobeyed a direct order.That’s on him.I always knew he’d die on a mission if I’m being honest with myself.While you all were talking about coming home and leaving the military behind, Darren was fully prepared to remain enlisted and make a career out of serving his country.He told me that more than once.No matter how much Darren didn’t get along with his father, he wanted to follow in his footsteps.All the men in his family made careers out of being a soldier,” Cali tells me as she looks up through her lashes at me and I can’t deny her anything when she looks at me this way.Not that I ever deny her anything when she’s not looking like she wants to lean in closer to me and soak up the strength and warmth I can give her.
“That’s not all that’s botherin’ me, Reina,” I tell her, taking a deep breath and turning back around in the swing so I’m not looking directly at her.This conversation will be hard enough to have without seeing her emotions play out in her eyes.“Cali, I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was.Honestly, I think I fell in love with you that first mornin’ Kreed and I saw you walkin’ all alone to school.You looked like a lost angel and I wanted to do nothin’ but wrap you in my arms and protect you from the world.Every day we spent time together, I fell more in love with you.You have always been my biggest supporter and given me every ounce of your soul without askin’ for anythin’ in return.That’s just who you are.
“When I first got interested in girls as more than friends, the only one I wanted to be with was you.I knew if I took that step with you, I wouldn’t be with anyone else ever.You’re my end game and I couldn’t do that to you.You wouldn’t have any experience with another guy and I didn’t know if you saw me like that.To me, it wasn’t worth the risk.No, I’m not sayin’ you’re not worth riskin’ everythin’ for because you are.I just didn’t want to lose the relationship we had.So, I kept my feelings to myself and very few people knew how I truly felt.
“I saw you and Darren when he kissed you in the bathroom on your sixteenth birthday.It shattered my heart because that kiss should’ve been mine.I’d had so many of your firsts and selfishly wanted all of them.Instead, Darren started gettin’ them.Yes, he knew how I felt about you and still went there with you.He didn’t care at all.I was pissed and that’s why I kept things goin’ with Abigail for so long.It was a petty thing to do to you as an act of revenge and now she won’t leave me alone.I haven’t ever had sex with her though.Even in high school, I couldn’t let myself go there with her.
“The point of all this is, I can’t go there with you either, Caliana.If you had been with anyone other than Darren, I would have claimed you as mine a long time ago.You didn’t just go out with him though.You were married to Darren and have two beautiful children with him.Children I love with every bit of my heart.I can’t betray him like that.He was one of my best friends and I already betrayed the two of you by not bringin’ him home alive.Now, I have to step back and let you find someone else to love.Someone who can give you everythin’ your heart desires and treat you like the queen you are.That person can never be me,” I tell her as I finally allow myself to look at her.
Cali’s got tears shimmering in her eyes and I reach out to catch the single one that spilled over and slowly rolls down her cheek.The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.I knew this conversation would be hard to have, but I never once thought it would make her cry.I’m really fucking this up with her.
“Caleb, you really have no clue.I would have been with you in a heartbeat.Like you, I started falling in love with you when we were young.I didn’t realize what I was feeling until my fourteenth birthday.I had listened to a conversation your grandma and mom had one day when we were at the compound and realized I loved you as more than my best friend.Every time you looked at me or were in the same room, butterflies would erupt in my stomach and make me feel so nervous.I couldn’t tell you how I felt though because I never once suspected you felt the same about me.
“Kreed knows what I’m about to tell you so you can ask him how long I’ve been saying this.I never loved Darren the way I should have as a wife.Yes, I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him.I always saw him as a best friend and he constantly made me feel nervous.Not the kind of nervous you made me feel, but the kind where I never knew what was going to happen when I was with him.He was always so unpredictable in certain ways.Yes, we got married right out of high school.It was because I was pregnant with Bryce and we thought we were doing the right thing.Darren never loved me either.I don’t even think he considered me a friend most of the time.
“When we would go out, Darren would pay attention to anyone other than me.Especially the females.I can’t say for sure that he cheated on me, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he did.I would have been perfectly okay with it too.The only reason I would have been upset with him cheating on me would be because he chose to stay in a relationship he didn’t want instead of telling me he wanted out.He wouldn’t have respected me if he cheated.But, I understand how you feel.You’re a very loyal person, Caleb.You will do everything in your power to remain loyal to Darren even if he’s not here to witness it.It’s one of the many reasons I started to fall in love with you so long ago,” she says and shatters my heart once again.If I had taken a damn chance in school, we would be together right now and Darren never would have had the chance to be with her.
Cali’s children would be ours and I’d get to spend every single day with her at my side.We’d be running this club together and Darren might still be alive.Maybe that was his way of getting out of his marriage to Cali without hurting her directly or making her feel like she wasn’t good enough for him.That’s a horrible thought to have, but it’s where my mind goes.
“I do love you, Cali.I’ll always love you no matter what is goin’ on in my life.It’s the reason I don’t go out with anyone on more than one date.I can’t see myself claimin’ anyone but you.Since I can’t do that, I won’t be with anyone else seriously.I’ll try to be better and be there for you more than I have been.I’m just gonna need some time to work through these feelings,” I tell her honestly as she looks at me with more tears rolling down her face.
I turn fully on the swing and pull Cali into my arms.She wraps hers around me and holds me tighter than ever before.It feels like this hug is different than the rest we’ve shared before.This one is almost a goodbye instead of us trying to comfort one another.The thought guts me because I know Cali will pull away from me now that our truths are out there and have been spoken about aloud.
“I love you, Caleb.You’re the only man I’ll ever want as mine.I respect your decision and will do my best to stay out of your way.For now, I think it’s best if the kids and I stay at Kreed’s house.I’ll go over tomorrow and clean your place so it’s as if we were never there,” Cali says, her words muffled as she buries her face in my chest.
When Cali releases her hold on me, she leans up and presses her lips to my cheek.It’s not the first time she’s kissed my cheek over the years.Again, this one feels so much different.Like it’s the last part of our goodbye.Cali gets off the swing and walks across the porch to the front door.Before she opens it and heads back inside, Cali looks over at me and the light of the moon catches the tears sliding down her face.After the longest minute ever, she finally goes inside and closes the door.Even though it doesn’t slam shut, the sound of it closing feels like the door of any future we could have had even as friends is slamming shut.The final nail in the coffin I suppose.As that door closes on our relationship, my heart stutters in my chest and I know it won’t ever beat the same again.It’s been irrevocably broken and will only ever belong to Cali.
