Page 54 of Love Notes and Late Nights
“Speak for yourself. No shortcomings here.” Wolf replied, stuffing the wad back into the pocket of his jeans. As he sat down, he caught Harris’ eye and the sly little smile in the corner of his mouth. Wolf smiled back and lowered his gaze before he started to laugh, because he knew Harris wanted to attest to Wolf’s statement about no shortcomings in his nether regions.
After they finished their meal, Wolf and Harris and Ethan and Tyler ended up at one of the stages to watch Razor Made, while Marshall and Amy went off and did their own thing.
“It’s sweet the way the two of them are still all cuddly and want to be alone,” Tyler commented.
“You mean you don’t want to still be all cuddly and alone with me?” Ethan asked, sounding offended and a little bit hurt.
Tyler wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist and looked up at him. “Of course I do. We can ditch this pony show and go back to the RV right now, rock star.”
Ethan looked at the band for a brief moment. They were killing it. He kissed Tyler on the nose, gave him a big squeeze and said, “It’d be rude to leave, since we got side stage access. But I’ll make it up to you later.”
Tyler sighed. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”
As they continued to watch Razor Made rock the shit out of the song they were playing, Wolf surveyed the crowd of people around him. Everyone was looking ahead at the stage. Some sang along to the lyrics. Others nodded their heads to the music. They were engrossed in the performance, and no one was paying attention to those around them, least of all to Wolf and Harris. So, Wolf gently slid his hand into Harris’. Harris smiled at Wolf and then glanced around to see if anyone noticed, but they were practically invisible in the darkness of the side stage, lost in a cluster of people enjoying the show in front of them. They heldhands, quietly, and it felt nice. The secrecy was exciting and exhilarating. The boom of the music and energy of the crowd couldn’t compete with the way the simple act of holding Harris’ hand made Wolf’s heartrate soar. He was on top of the world, loved and in love at the same time. He didn’t want to be here any longer. He wanted cuddly and alone time.
“Let’s split,” he whispered in Harris’ ear.
“You don’t have to ask me twice.”
They didn’t need to make an excuse or explain to Ethan and Tyler. They simply got their friends’ attention, waved that they were headed out, and security took them back to the private area behind the festival where their RVs were parked.
As soon as they were inside Wolf’s RV, he wrapped Harris in a hug and just held him, or, rather, let Harris hold him. He felt safe and secure in this man’s arms like he never felt before. “I love the way you make me feel when you hug me.”
“I love hugging you.”
“Let’s sit down. I want to tell you something.”
Harris’ brows scrunched together. “Is everything OK?”
“Yeah. I think so.” Wolf took Harris’ hand and led him to the couch. He didn’t think he was ready to share this yet, but he didn’t want to hold anything back. He wanted to be sure Harris understood what he was getting into. “I know you know about the nightmares, but there’s a lot more.”
While Wolf gathered his thoughts and summoned his courage, Harris waited, never shifting his watchful gaze.
“I want to share some of it, but I don’t know how much I can. I’ve never told anyone how bad it was when I was a kid. Ethan knows some, but not all of it.” He paused. “I started talking to someone. A therapist. We have video calls. Almost every day.”
“That’s great, Wolf.”
Wolf took a deep breath, ready for another admission. “I’ve been taking medication. I refused at first. The last thing I everwanted to do was take medication. I always thought it would make me catatonic or like a zombie.”
“But it’s helping?”
“Yeah. I think so. I don’t feel catatonic or like I’m walking around like a zombie.” He managed a small smile. “What do you think?”
Harris didn’t smile back, and the crease between his brows remained. He took hold of Wolf’s hand and kissed it. “You’re not walking around like a zombie. You’re perfect. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, Wolf. Other than your nightmares, you look and act perfectly fine. You seem happy. Are you happy? It’s not just a cover up. Is it?”
Wolf smiled. “No. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been. Because of you.”
“But what about inside. It’s easy to smile and laugh when we’re together or when you’re with Ethan and Marshall or when we’re on stage. But what about when you’re alone? Do things still come back and haunt you?”
“Sometimes.” It was crazy, because there were times when months went by without thinking about the first 15 years of his life. It was as if that time never existed and his life started when his parents threw him out of the house. He’d gone straight to Ethan’s, and Ethan’s parents took him in without a moment’s hesitation. They treated him like a son and never stopped. Never made him feel like a burden. They chased away all the bad memories. But, sometimes, those memories clawed their way back into his head. “The memories creep up on me in my dreams sometimes, and it does a number on me,” he continued. “My therapist says that the smallest thing can be a trigger. She says I never got closure. I never had the chance to tell my parents how I feel about the way they treated me, so my mind never completely let go and moved past everything.”
He paused because he wanted to tell Harris more but didn’t know how much he could reveal without having a meltdown. He’d try, though, and focused on his feet because he didn’t want to see the look on Harris’ face when he confessed some of the horrible treatment he received as a kid. “I used to get beat with a belt or smacked across the face. A lot. All for stupid shit. Like not playing sports with some of the other kids on the block. Or for joining theater and art in school because real boys didn’t participate in those things. I remember being petrified all the time, especially when I was younger. I used to hide in a closet for hours sometimes, just shaking. I remember being hungry and having to pee, but I wouldn’t leave the closet unless I knew my parents were somewhere they wouldn’t hear me. I think they knew I was hiding, but they didn’t care.”
A hot shudder ran through Wolf at some of the memories that lay buried deep in his head. His parents had tried to break his spirit, but even as a pre-teen, he’d never let them. The worst was the belittling and the name calling. He always asked himself how parents could say those things to a kid, but he never had an answer.
“My mother loved to smack me across the face.” He touched a small knot on his eyebrow that never fully went away. “She wore this big ring that always felt like she was hitting me with a pipe instead of her hand. My father used to say that I sounded like a girl and tell me to talk with a deeper voice.” A memory hit him. “I started lowering the tone of my voice whenever I spoke to my parents. I totally forgot I did that. But I got smacked anyway because my mother thought I was mocking them. I think I was eight. When I was a little older, I just said, fuck it, and stopped trying to please them. There was no winning in that house. They didn’t want me to be me. So, I made it a point tobe me. I knew I was gay, and I knew they were going to go fucking ballistic when they found out, so I was a little cautious about that, but theyfound out anyway.” He sat up a little taller and raised his gaze to the opposite wall. “I’m glad they did. And I’m glad they threw me out, because I needed to get away from them. They were fucking toxic.” With nothing left to say, Wolf finally looked at Harris.
The guy looked fucking horrified. Harris’ mouth was agape, the corners were bowed downward, and his forehead was wrinkled. Harris threw his arms around Wolf and embraced him in a protective hug. “I’m so sorry you went through that. They’re disgusting people.” Harris was quiet for a second, then gently asked, “What does your therapist have to say? Aren’t you supposed to confront your parents or something?”
