Page 72 of Blade
“No-no-no-no-no!” Robert cut his dad off just in time. “It’s just a joke.” He waved his hand at everyone and practically pushed his dad out of the locker room. “Sorry, guys. I need to talk to my dad for a minute.”
The team and Coach all shouted goodbyes, but Robert’s dad looked perplexed. “Why didn’t you want me in the locker room? Did I embarrass you somehow?”
Robert let out a breath and sat down on the bench in the hallway. He didn’t plan on having this conversation with his dad. Not now. Maybe not ever. But it came pouring out of him. “Sit down for a minute. I want to talk to you.”
“What is it, son?”
“I saw your face when you came into the locker room, and I heard everything you said.”
His dad looked confused. “I said I was proud of you for bringing the team to victory. That bothered you?”
“No. Yes.” Robert pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “What if we lost? What if Kansas City’s D line got through and took down Martinez? I would have been responsible for the Bucks losing the game. Would you have been proud of me then?”
His father wrinkled his chin and frowned. “That never would have happened. You’re too good of a player.” Then his lips drew back into a smile, and he lightly punched Robert in the arm a few times. “You’re the Bucks’ all-star.”
The playful jabs made Robert smile because he loved kidding around with his dad, but it didn’t last long. “Seriously, Dad. It could have happened. What if it did?”
“Well. Everyone has an off game.” He squeezed Robert’s shoulder. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You won.”
Robert looked up to the ceiling and stared at a crack in the paint for a long time. “What if I couldn’t play football anymore?”
“Then you’d go out as a legend. Look, son, if your knee is bothering you, don’t risk causing permanent injury. Your health is more important than anything.”
“It’s not my knee. My knee is fine. But what if I wasn’t the best anymore?”
“Are you worried someone is going to replace you or that you’re going to be traded? Because that’s—”
“No. That’s not it at all. What if, for some reason, I lost my edge?”
His dad shook his head, a deep groove between his brows. “What is all this about, Robert?”
There was no other way to get around the subject. He had to state his fear of rejection outright. “For my entire life, I’ve been your favorite.”
“That’s not true. And it’s not fair. I love both my sons equally.”
“I know you love Tommy just as much as me, but he was never in your good graces because he wasn’t dedicated to football the way I was. I saw you give him a hard time every single day because his music meant more to him than football. And I got put on a pedestal because football was number one for me. When I was growing up, all I kept thinking about was, what if I didn’t love football so much? Would I get the lectures and the looks of disappointment that Tommy got?”
“Wait a Goddamn minute. I’ve apologized a million times to your brother for making him feel inadequate for assuming his musical career was just a pastime. I didn’t recognize his talent, and I was dead wrong. I’ve admitted that many times. I can’t change it, but if I could, I would.”
“This isn’t about Tommy.”
“Then, what the hell are you saying?”
Robert felt foolish, but the anguish was real. He’d been hiding behind the façade of being a football star his whole life. The Bucks’ MVP for five years in a row. He was proud of the title. But he wanted his father to see him for more than that. “Before you tell me that I’m being ridiculous, I want you to know that this has been gnawing at me my whole life. It didn’t just come on recently. I’m not having doubts about my career or a mid-life crisis or any of that B.S. This is a valid concern that I’ve been keeping to myself.” He paused to take a deep breath. “Would you still be proud of me if I wasn’t a football star? What if tomorrow I wake up and decide that I’m done with the sport? What would we talk about? What would you say to people when you talk about me?”
His dad let out a short, surprised laugh. “Of course, I’d be proud of you. You’re my son. Look. I know football was my dream, and I pushed it on you and Tommy, but if neither of you were interested in it, I’d still love you.”
“I know you’d love us, but me and you wouldn’t be as close as we are. It was a barrier between you and Tommy. You can’t deny that.”
His dad let out a long sigh. “I was a different person back then. The reason I gave Tommy a hard time was because he had potential. A gift. I thought music was a distraction, so I tried to get him to focus. To be honest, there were other things that were a barrier between me and your brother. Things I didn’t even know about at the time. The point I’m making here is that I’m not that person anymore. I’ve changed. I’m going to be honest, and you’re not going to like my answer any more than I do, but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s true. If you had no interest in football, we wouldn’t have bonded the way we have. That’s only because football is so near to my heart. It’s something we share, and it means a lot to me that you love it as much as I do. That doesn’t mean we still wouldn’t have bonded. You’re still my son. We have similar interests, and we would have bonded over them instead of football.”
“Like what?” Robert shrugged, because he couldn’t think of anything else they had in common.
“Your love of animals, for instance.”
The answer stunned Robert. “Since when do you like animals?”
His dad looked equally stunned. “I’ve always loved animals. Especially dogs.”
