Page 79 of Bulletproof
Derek pulled himself out of the water, and a balled up towel hit him in the crotch, forcing a grunt from his lungs.
“Cover up,” Brandonsaid. “I don’t want to stare at your junk while we eat. Burgers are ready.”
Visions of the giant burger waiting for him made Derek forget about his bruised nether region, and he quickly threw on his jeans. “Eats!” he bellowed to Jeremy and Alan, who were playing Monkey in the Middle with Brandy and her tennis ball.
After they gorged on the best barbeque on the West Coast,courtesy of Brandon Bullet’s expert grilling skills, they all congregated around the fire pit. With his stomach full and an ice cold beer in his hand, Derek threw another log on the fire. Then another. And another. It wasn’t long before the flames shot three feet in the air, and he watched the blaze from his favorite Adirondack chair. Embers from the fire floated into the air with a snappingsound and held his attention. He lifted his gaze to the sky – Travis’ sky – with its twinkling stars and large round moon. He had envisioned nights like this, sitting around the fire and bullshitting with his buddies, with Travis at his side, finally bringing their band of brothers to an even number. Now, he didn’t know if that daydream would ever materialize.
Big mitts landed onDerek’s shoulders, and Brandon’s deep baritone boomed above Derek’s head. “Do you want them to see you from space with that fire?”
“You know it. I’m leaving my mark on the world.”
Brandon gave Derek’s shoulders a hefty squeeze. “Just don’t burn down my house. And watch that the dog doesn’t go near it.”
“I got her.” Cam sat in the cushioned lounger, the dognestled into a ball next to his legs.
As his friends talked back and forth, Derek listened. He laughed in all the right places and added a comment when needed, but it was all a façade. A front to cover his wandering thoughts. His mind was somewhere else. His heart a mere shadow of itself, longing for his estranged lover. His chest empty and missing his other half.
WhenDerek looked up, Brandon had a liter of Jack Daniels and some paper cups in his hand, and Cam had a box of cigars. Derek had been dazing out, thinking about Travis, and hadn’t noticed that they’d left the circle around the fire. He took a cup from Brandon and held it while his friend poured the bourbon. He could use something to dull his senses right now and help him forget about the man he wasmissing, and he wondered if the emptiness in his soul would ever heal.
While Brandon filled everyone’s cup with Jack Daniels, Cam passed out cigars from an expensive-looking box. “I picked these up at a cigar shop on Wilshire yesterday, and they’re perfection.”
Derek took one and lit it with the lighter from the barbeque grill.
“Take it easy, you pyro,” Alanwarned. “You’re gonna end up setting your hair on fire.”
Worried that his friend might be right, Derek extinguished the flame. He took a long draw from the cigar and savored the woodsy flavor that bathed his mouth and filled his nostrils. “I gotta hand it to ya, Cam. You got expensive taste.”
“That’s my guy,” Brandon bragged. “Bringing culture to a bunch of hooliganslike us.”
Cam puffed on his cigar, his eyes smiling at his lover, until they rested on Derek and concern creased his brow. “How are you doing, Derek?”
“I’m doing great. Jack in my hand, a fine cigar at my lips, surrounded by my brothers. I couldn’t be better.” What a hunk of shit. Derek imagined that this was how Travis went through life most of the time – happy on theoutside, hiding the sadness and pain going on inside him.
“You don’t have to put on a front with me,” Cam said, soothingly. “I see it. We all do.”
Brandon sighed and gave Cam a warning glare. “Cam . . .”
“Cam’s right, Bran,” Alan said. “We don’t gloss over shit. We talk about it.” Alan leaned forward so he could look at Derek. “We know you’re hurting. Youhaven’t been the same since Travis split.”
“Yeah,” Jeremy agreed. “You look as pathetic as Brandon did when we left Rio right after he met Cam.”
Cam’s face turned all lovesick and mushy, and he placed his hand on Brandon’s thigh. “You looked pathetic? Aw, baby.”
Brandon slouched his shoulders and sunk into his chair. “I missed you.”
Derek staredinto the fire and at his friends, who were content to listen if he had something to say, which he didn’t. He kept thinking about how much he’d been looking forward to nights like this once the tour ended. Hanging out with his buddies. Sharing drinks and giving each other a hard time. Midnight swims and lounging under the stars until the sun came up. But in his visions, Travis was at his side.Instead, he was left pining for someone who needed him, but didn’t want his help. God, he felt so fucking helpless! He had to admit that he had mega respect for Travis for taking responsibility to fix himself on his own. Derek only wished it didn’t feel like his chest was caving in all the time, and that he could stop thinking about Travis every second of the fucking day. Missing and worrying aboutthe guy left a hollow ache inside him, like someone kicked his insides out. “Is love supposed to hurt so much?”
Jeremy gave him a goofy smile and puppy-dog eyes. “You’re in love? Aw. I knew you guys loved each other.”
“I love Travis. And he loves me.” It was the first time he admitted it to his friends. He thought it would bring a sense of euphoria, not the sadness thatshrouded him. “But that wasn’t enough. I poured my heart out and let him know how I felt, and he still broke up with me.”
One by one, their mouths turned downward and somber silence echoed in the air.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Travis is coming back to me. He’s gonna get better and he’s gonna come back to me.”Keep telling yourself that, MacAlister. He looked down,so his friends didn’t see the moisture covering his eyes, and thought about how much Travis meant to him. Most people wanted to change the world. He just wanted to change Travis’ world. He wanted to help Travis overcome his fears and move past his stage fright. He wanted to share the sensitive heart of the man he loved and fuse their spirit.
Derek relived their short time together,going over the fun times as well as the intimate memories. He remembered Travis’ barely-there touch and how it drove him crazy with desire. He opened his mouth to share his most memorable moment – the night he took Travis’ virginity – then clamped it shut. The night was too personal. That information wasn’t his to share, and he didn’t want to put one bit of tarnish on a moment that was as specialto him as it was for Travis. He sighed with emptiness, and it echoed in the hollow cavity where his heart used to reside. A dull ache burned in the center of his sternum, like acid. He rubbed at it, trying to soothe the pain. It was an elephant on his chest, and he wondered if he was having a heart attack instead of just suffering from a broken heart. “This sucks. I thought love was supposed tobe all rainbows and butterflies. I didn’t know it was supposed to rip your insides out.”
Brandon reached over and squeezed Derek’s forearm. “I’m sorry, man.”
