Page 77 of Bulletproof
“No we don’t!” Derek knew the words werecoming, but never expected the axe that cut him in half, robbing him of his breath.
Travis crushed Derek’s hand in his. “I’m tired of hiding inside my head and putting on a happy face when I’m sick inside. I need to get better. I need to be the person you deserve. You’re so fucking good for me. You’re everything I need.” Travis’ voice wavered, and he pressed his lips together to steadyhis voice. “But I’m not good for you. I’m a burden. And I don’t want to be anyone’s baggage.”
“You’re not a burden. Do you know how good you make me feel? No one’s ever needed me before. I never felt important to anyone.”
Another tear slipped down Travis’ cheek, and his voice cracked when he spoke next. “You’re the most important person in my life. You keep me grounded.When I’m with you, I can get through anything. But when you’re not around . . . when I’m alone . . . I fall apart. There’s a lot of fucked up shit going on in my head. It tears me down. At night, when I can’t sleep, I wonder what the fuck I’m doing.” Travis clutched his hair in his fists, leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m so fucking tired of these voices in my head remindingme of everything that everyone always said about me when I was growing up. That I was no good. That I’d never amount to anything. That I’d end up in jail. I hear it all inside my head when I’m alone. And I believe it. I need to deal with it. Because it’s driving me fucking crazy.” Silent tears rolled down Travis’ cheeks, and his voice was pained. “I’ve learned so much being around you. Whathave you learned from being around me? How fucked up some people are?”
“I’ve learned how to love somebody, Travis. I love you!” The desperate plea wasn’t how Derek wanted to say it, but he had to let Travis know how much he cared. How much the man mattered.
Travis buried his face into Derek’s neck and hung on, letting out a deep sob. “I love you, too. So fucking much.”He clung tighter to Derek. “No one ever loved me before.”
Emotions tore at Derek. The elation and happiness he felt at the reciprocated love was tainted by the sad admission. How could anyone not love this wonderful, sensitive man? “I love you.” His voice shook worse than Travis’. “You’re so easy to love, Travis. Even after all you’ve been through, you’re still kind and sweet. Talentedand romantic. Tender and strong. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
Travis squeezed Derek so hard it pushed the breath out of him. A small cry choked him, while agony scratched at the center of his chest. God, this was so fucking hard! They should be reveling in their newly-proclaimed love for one another and planning a future. Instead, their hearts were breaking.
Travistook a deep breath and pulled back slightly. “You always know the right things to say to me. I wish I knew the right thing to do and say. The only thing I know for sure is that I need to fix myself. Before I can be part of your life, before I can have a future with you, I need to know I have something to offer. I have nothing to offer you now, and it makes me feel worthless.”
“Youhave plenty to offer me, Trav. You—”
“No. I don’t. Please, Derek. Let me figure my life out. And when I do, I’ll come back to you. I promise.”
Derek felt as if a sledgehammer hit him over the head. Dizzy. Numb. Stupefied. He felt as if the blood drained from his body. “I can’t fucking believe this.” It was unfair, but Travis was right. The man was damaged, and no oneknew it. He put on a front for the world. A masquerade. A clown behind a painted smile.
Derek wondered how deep the scars ran. He only saw a small glimpse of Travis’ pain. Could Travis be a danger to himself? Fear made Derek’s hands shake. Too many rock stars had succumbed to depression and battled demons in secret. The thought that Travis could be another statistic filled him withpanic, and he wrapped his arms around him in a powerful hug. “How will I know if you’re alright?” Not bothering to hide the sorrow in his tone, Derek’s voice cracked. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you, Trav. I’m here. I’m always here for you.”
Travis squeezed Derek tightly. “I know. I promise I’ll reach out to you if I need to. You have my word.” He let outa long sigh that ended in a soft sob. “This hurts. But I want to get better. I want to be healthy. For you. I want to be able to deal with my life like everyone else.”
Emotion cut off Derek’s voice. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even cry. He was shell-shocked. Derailed. Travis was his first love. His only love. And, although it killed him inside and he hatedit, he knew that he needed to let Travis go.
