Page 76 of Bulletproof
Derek sat back in his chair, his mind reeling and his heart pounding – the way he always felt when he thought about Travis. He reflected on how much they shared. The crazy antics. Their love of food and music. Their penchant to get into trouble. When they weren’t together, everything reminded him of Travis. No matter what he was doing, or how busy he was, his mind always drifted tohis lover and his heart ached for them to be together. He wiped his palms on his jeans and recanted how Travis’ soft and gentle kisses drove him over the edge. A mere smile made his heart race. A glimpse from across the room always caught the other’s attention.
Derek’s mother touched his arm. “What is it, honey? You’re staring off into space with a crazy smile on your face.”
His eyes came into focus and shifted to his mother. “I’m in love with Travis Fontana. And I’m going to tell him. Tonight.”
Derek raced to the door, happier than he’d been in his life. He swung open the massive maple slab in anticipation of seeing Travis’ smiling face, but that’s not what greetedhim. The creased brow and painful eyes that stared back at him bore anguish and distress. And it broke his heart in half. He squeezed Travis’ shoulder and guided him into the house. “What’s wrong?”
Travis pressed his lips together into a thin straight line, and kept his gaze lowered to the floor. “I had a bad night. One of the worst ones I’ve had in a long time.” He took a deep shudderingbreath, and his distraught expression deepened. “Worse than that night I had a panic attack before the show in Albuquerque.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I could have—”
“Because I can’t keep relying on you to fix me. I need to take care of myself.”
Derek respected Travis’ decision to take control of his life, but he worried. Now that the tour was over, and thehigh of the stage quickly disappeared, he feared Travis would plummet into depression, and maybe this was the start of it. Most of all, he felt so fucking bad that he hadn’t been there for Travis last night, and all he could think about was this poor man battling his inner demons alone. “Tell me what happened.”
“I guess I had what spiritual people would call a revelation.”
Derek tried to lighten the situation with a small joke. “Did you drop acid?” Maybe it wasn’t the right time for levity, but it made the corners of Travis’ mouth curl slightly, which proved that he was still able to lighten Travis’ mood.
“I wish.” Travis emitted a half-hearted laugh. “Maybe if I would have dropped acid a few years ago, I would have seen through all the bullshit.”
“What bullshit? Is something going on with your bandmates?”
“There’s always something going on with my bandmates. But I don’t give a shit about them.”
Travis waited almost a full minute, shifting nervously from foot to foot and continually rubbing at his chin, before he let out a deep breath. “Can we sit down, Derek?”
Apprehension made Derek’sskin crawl, and he swallowed a ball of nerves. “Sure.” He extended his arm toward the living room. “Do you want a beer or something?”
“No. I . . . I just need you to listen while I explain some really fucked up shit.”
“You’re making me nervous, Trav.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” There was no light in Travis’ eyes, nor was there darkness. Just bleak, hollow affliction,and misery.
They sat side by side, with Derek riveted on Travis. He kept one hand interlocked with Travis’, the other hand on Travis’ knee, and watched him intently.
Travis dropped his gaze to his lap. When he looked up, he had tears in his eyes, and emotion twisted his face into a horrible grimace. “I’m so fucked up.”
“Come on,” Derek said, in his most soothingvoice, and rubbing Travis’ thigh. “Everyone’s fucked up.”
“Not like me. You don’t know the shit that goes through my mind. I only let you see a small piece of the insanity that lives between my ears. It’s almost too much for me to take sometimes. And I want to be normal.”
“Alright. What do you need to do? I can help.” Derek tried to sound light and upbeat. Positive.
“You’ve been so great to me. You’ve made me want to be a better person. I want to get better. For you.” Travis paused and swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “And that’s why . . .” Travis’ mouth twitched as he struggled to get the words out. Words that Derek didn’t want to hear.
“Let me help you,” Derek pleaded, rubbing his lover’s hand. “I’ll do anything.Just let me be there for you. Tell me what you want.”
“What I want and what I need are not the same things.” Travis looked deeply into Derek’s eyes, passion spilling from his gaze. “I want you. And I need you. But more than anything else, I want to get better. And I’m the only one who can make that happen.”
“OK. What do you need to do?”
The tears hangingon Travis’ lower lids grew larger, magnifying his expressive brown eyes. “I’ve never felt this way about anybody. My heart is breaking right now.”
A stampede of fear galloped in Derek’s chest and his pulse hammered in his ears as he watched two lone tears streak down Travis’ cheeks.
“Derek, we need to take a break.”
