Page 74 of Bulletproof
Travis was quiet again, and Derek knew there was more to the initial question.
“I meant, what was it like for you growing up? Did you have a lot of friends? Did you get picked on?”
“No. I didn’t get bullied or teased. I was lucky, I guess. I never had any of that shit. I wasn’t the most popular kid in school, but I had friends. I’m talking a million years ago, before I met Brandon, Alan, and Jeremy in junior high. The four of us were inseparable from themoment we met. It was always the four of us together, making music, hanging out. And that’s the way it’s been ever since. They’re my brothers.”
Travis chewed his lip and stared at the sky, deep in thought, which meant he was getting ready to share something profound. Derek shifted closer to Travis, so that now their thighs were touching, to offer support. He wanted to turn onto hisside, but thought that staring at Travis would make him self-conscious, so he kept one hand under his head and slipped the other into Travis’ palm. He entwined their fingers together to let his lover know that whatever he had to say, he was ready to listen.
“I wasn’t so lucky,” Travis said, slowly. “I got bullied. Relentlessly.”
Derek’s brows pinched together and he clenchedhis jaw, but didn’t say anything. Anger flared in his belly with the need to protect his lover. Life was so fucking unfair. As if it wasn’t enough for the poor guy to get shuffled from foster home to foster home when he was a kid, enduring physical abuse, and then finally finding a decent family where he felt loved, only to have it ripped away, Travis had to deal with heartless bullies aswell. Guilt gnawed at Derek for having been blessed with such a perfect life, when everything in Travis’ life had been so fucked up. He squeezed Travis’ hand tighter and scooted closer. “I wish I knew you when you were a kid. I would’ve stuck up for you. I wouldn’t have let anyone pick on you.”
Travis leaned his head into Derek’s shoulder, a small act of intimacy and gratitude. “Everytime I got into a new foster home and started a new school, I thought I got a second chance. I thought I could start over, but I was still the stupid gay kid who wrote sappy poetry.” He let out a somber, sarcastic laugh. “I guess I gave them plenty of ammo, because they ate that shit up and ran with it. I fucking hated school. Never went half the time. I had no fucking friends. And then I metAshley.”
Ashley. Again. Jealousy was an ugly beast that wouldn’t go away. “Where does she live?”
An unexpected, genuine laugh escaped Travis’ mouth. “Don’t worry. We don’t live together.”
The hairs on the back of Derek’s neck prickled. The thought of Travis and Ashley living in the same city had sent a shiver of unease through him. He never contemplated thatthey could be living together.
“Hey.” Travis clasped his fingers tighter and tugged on Derek’s hand. “I told you it was over. We made a clean break. It was a long time coming. There was nothing left. It was just a convenience.” He paused. “She called me the other day.”
Derek’s head snapped toward Travis, while his gut clenched. “What’d she want?”
“She wantedto know how I was doing.” When Derek didn’t respond, Travis turned and smiled. “You’re jealous. I like it. It means you care. No one’s ever been jealous over me before.”
“You’re damn right I’m jealous.” The weird feeling had Derek’s stomach twisted with anxiety and blood pulsing through his veins like water in a fire hose. Sweat dampened the back of his neck and his hands felt clammy.He didn’t understand how the mere mention of her name made his heart beat so hard that he heard it pounding in his ears, and made his jaw clench so tightly he thought his teeth were going to break. Or why absurd pictures of Travis and her together flashed inside his head and made him want to gouge out his eyes. Maybe it was because she was a woman, which meant she had things to offer Travis thathe didn’t. He sighed, realizing he was thinking about his own shit when Travis wanted to talk about his fucked up childhood.
Derek turned to see why Travis hadn’t said anything for the last few minutes. The painful scowl on his face indicated that he was lost in a sea of unpleasant memories, and Derek wanted to wash them all away. He wrapped an arm around Travis and pulled his loverto his chest. He wanted to protect this man, make everything better, erase the horrible past, but he knew he couldn’t do any of those things. All he could do was listen and offer his shoulder.
Travis let out a deep breath before he continued. “One time, when I was in the fifth grade, these asshole kids in school saw me writing in my journal and stole it. One of ‘em stood on a chairin the lunchroom and read my poem in front of everyone. I got so pissed off that I kicked the chair out from underneath him. He didn’t get hurt, or get in trouble for taking my shit and making fun of me, but I got suspended.” He grunted, sarcastically. “It sounds so stupid now, but I cried for a week over that. Not because I got suspended. Because they laughed at my poem. Then I got this stupidnickname. The gay poet.”
A small laugh bubbled from Derek’s throat. He couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not funny.”
Travis playfully shoved Derek in the chest, but remained in his embrace. “Shut up.” Then he let out his own laugh. “OK. It is kinda funny.”
Derek felt bad for making a joke about it and wrapped both arms around Travis. He kissed thetop of Travis’ head, trying to comfort the sweet tender kid who had his poem read aloud in the lunchroom.
“You know,” Travis sighed, “I’ve thought about that day a thousand times over the years and it only made me angry. I think I got so traumatized because they laughed at me that it has something to do with my stage fright, and why I don’t show my poetry to anyone.” Travis was quietagain for a moment and then chuckled. “The gay poet. I can’t believe I never realized how comical that is.” He leaned up and kissed Derek softly on the lips. “Thank you for turning that horrible memory into something I can laugh at.”
Never had peace and love filled Derek to his core, as if before Travis he was empty and hollow, and now he was filled with substance. The idea that hemade a difference in Travis’ life, that he had an impact on another human being, filled him with self-worth and pride. They stayed like that, with Travis wrapped in Derek’s arms, for a long time.
When they finally left the top of the hill and made it back to Derek’s mansion, it was late. Derek had assumed that Travis would be spending the night again, so when he said he wanted togo home to his apartment, Derek’s heart sank. “You’re leaving?”
“I haven’t been home yet. Not that there’s much there. But, we came straight here from the tour.”
“Oh.” Derek tried to hide his disappointment. “You sure you don’t want to wait until the morning and go home tomorrow?” He studied Travis’ face, and realized how melancholy and withdrawn he had become since theytalked on the mountaintop. “Are you alright, Trav?”
Travis took a long time to answer. “I’ll be fine. I think I just need to be alone and clear my head.”
“Do you want to talk about it more?”
“No,” Travis answered quickly. “I want to write in my journal. Maybe write some lyrics.”
A sinking feeling started in Derek’s throat and landed in his stomach.The shift in Travis’ mood reminded him that, although Travis seemed happy and stable, the man’s head was still swimming with unpleasant thoughts. “Please call me when you get home. And when you get up in the morning. And if you can’t sleep.”
Travis forced a sad smile. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
