Page 65 of Bulletproof
Derek slowly twisted the handle and cautiously opened the doorjust enough so he could slip inside. He didn’t want any of Travis’ bandmates to gape into the bathroom and unnerve Travis with their judgmental stares, although they really did seem concerned. After Derek slid through the narrow opening, he locked the door behind him. Travis was on the floor, facing the opposite direction, his arms wrapped tightly around his legs and his face buried into his knees.He looked so small. Like a little boy. Derek moved lightly, afraid of disturbing Travis’ frail emotional state, but determined to help this man he cared so much for. He squatted next to Travis and placed his hand in the center of Travis’ back. He expected the guy to flinch or withdraw from his touch, but the shudder that fluttered under his hand tore his heart in two. “What’s going on?”
Travis leaned against Derek without answering and without releasing his hold on his legs, as if doing so would unravel what little hold he had left on his sanity. Derek wrapped his arms around Travis and gently rocked him. The guy’s body was so tight. All of his muscles were contracted and tense. “Everything’s gonna be alright. I’m here now. You can relax.”
Travis took a deepbreath, his body quaking as he exhaled from either a shuddering sob or involuntary trembling.
Derek ached to ease this man’s pain. He’d take it all away, change places if he could. He didn’t know what to do, so he just let Travis be. If Travis wanted to cry, he’d let him. If Travis wanted to just sit there on the floor in Derek’s arms, that was fine. He only knew that Travis neededhim, even if it was just to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright.
Travis was quiet for a few minutes, then slowly snaked one arm behind Derek’s back. The other arm crawled across Derek’s shoulder and around his neck, hanging on tightly. He sobbed against Derek’s chest, softly at first, then so hard it shook both of them, the tears leaving a wet spot on Derek’sT-shirt. “I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I fall apart. I never wanted you to see me like this. I’m so ashamed.”
“There’s no reason to be embarrassed. It’s me. Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m here now.” Derek pulled Travis closer and held him tighter. He was torn up, devoured by compassion and unable to comprehend what the hell this must be like for Travis. He washelpless, and wished he had something else to say, or knew what to do to comfort this man who was so fucking troubled. He ran his hand lovingly up and down Travis’ back, and felt the man tremble. “It’s OK. Let it all out. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere until you feel better.”
Eventually, the sobs ceased, and only intermittent gasps of breath remained. “Did something happen?”Derek asked, hesitantly. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to. But I’m here if you want to. I’ll just listen.”
“I . . . I had a panic attack. A really bad one.” Travis spoke into Derek’s shirt, the humiliation heavy in his voice. “I couldn’t breathe. My heart was beating so hard I could feel it pounding between my ears. I really thought I would have a heart attack if Ididn’t get out of the room.” He inhaled deeply. “When I tried to leave, Mark blocked the door. I wanted to jump out a window, but there weren’t any in the room.”
“Jump out a window? Travis . . .”
“Not . . . not like that. I just wanted to escape. Get away from those guys. The bathroom was my only option. But the walls closed in on me and . . . and I didn’t know what todo. I fucking lost it.” He was so desperate. So full of despair. So unsure of himself. Consumed with self-doubt. Derek hated seeing him like this.
“Are you OK now?”
“I . . . I think so. Now that you’re here, I feel . . . better.”
Derek knew that something triggered the panic attack, and his need to protect Travis made him see red. “Did one of those guys saysomething to you? Or do something?” If Mark was behind this, he would bash the guy’s fucking head against the wall.
Travis held his breath for a second, looked up to the ceiling, then tucked his chin into his chest and let out a deep gust of air. “They thought I didn’t fucking hear them. They thought I had my earbuds in. I did, but the music was off.”
“What the fuck didthey say?”
“They said I was slipping. That they didn’t think I’d make it through the next tour. They said they thought I got my shit together after I took the stage and performed with a bloody lip and black eye. But that my anxiety is worse than ever now. One of them, I don’t even remember which one – probably fucking Mark – said I would end up blowing the record deal.” Travis’ jawtensed and his breathing grew heavier. “I jumped outta my chair and told them to stop talking shit. We had words. It got outta hand, and I started to feel like they wanted to throw me out of the band.Myband. Then I realized, if they all agreed, I could get thrown to the curb. And it hit me really fucking hard.”
“They can’t do that. You have a signed contract with the record label.”
“I realize that now.” He looked down at the floor. “I feel so fucking stupid. I don’t know how I’m gonna go out there and face them.”
“You’re gonna hold my hand. Remember?” Derek held his hand up and offered it to Travis. “I got yours if I need it, and you got mine if you need it.” He took Travis’ hand in a firm grip. “You’re gonna hold my hand and we’re gonna walk outthe door together. And if any one of them says one word of bullshit to you, I’m gonna punch ‘em in the mouth.”
Travis’ lips curled slightly. “No you’re not.”
“Yes I am.” It was the God damn truth. Derek slowly smiled, happy to see the pain gone from Travis’ face, at least for a fleeting moment. He leaned over and brushed his lips against Travis’. “Ready to go in the otherroom?”
“No.”
The indecision tugged at Derek’s heart and he ran the back of his hand tenderly over Travis’ cheek. “I’m gonna be right next to you.”
Travis’ eyes filled with tears and he kissed Derek’s palm softly. “I don’t deserve you.”
“You deserve more, Travis. You deserve everything this world has to offer.”
His cheeks turned pink.“Let’s get outta here before I hide in the shower until the show starts.”
Derek kept a tight grip on Travis’ hand as he opened the door.
Felix stood in the archway, concern creasing his brow. “Are you alright, Travis? Do you need a doctor?” Felix looked Travis deep in the eyes, and Derek knew he was checking to see if Travis was on drugs.
“No. I’m fine. Itwas just a panic attack.”
“I’m very concerned about your health, both physically and mentally. I can get a doctor here who’s very discreet. Just to give you a quick checkup. Is that OK?”
