Page 36 of Bulletproof
Brandon scrunched up his face with confusion. “Why do you think you’re messed up? Because you had a fistfight? Because you’ve had troublewith the law? We’ve all been there, famous or not. And don’t worry about Derek. He’s a big boy, and he knows where to draw the line. He may be out of his mind sometimes with some of the crazy shit he does, but he’s a responsible dude.”
Responsible. Travis tried to be responsible and take charge of his life. He had never experienced the fun-loving childhood other kids enjoyed. Whileother kids were out together, Travis was busy fulfilling his daily chores. Never babied, never having anyone to really take care of him, he had shouldered the burden of taking care of himself most of the time. It didn’t make him bitter or resentful. It made him a better person, someone who didn’t rely on other people. It had its repercussions though, and they were hard battles to fight sometimes.He didn’t always win the war against his phobias and hang-ups, but he fought them like a fucking warrior, and no one was going to tell him differently. It seemed that lately he was losing more than winning, and he hated constantly running from his past. More importantly, he hated the overwhelming performance anxiety he experienced before each show, and the little voice in his head that told himhe was never good enough.
Maybe the pills the doctor prescribed would help him deal with his anxiety. Fuck his mother’s drug addiction. He wasn’t her. He’d start with a small dose, only when he really needed it. “Thanks, but that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.” He paused, summoning the courage to admit his inadequacy to someone as confident as Brandon Bullet. “Do you everget stage fright?”
“I get the exact opposite of stage fright. I live for the limelight. I want all eyes on me. All the time. I want the recognition. I know what comes with fame, and I want it all. Including the lack of privacy. If you’ve noticed, I don’t blend in with a crowd. I want to stand out.”
Of course Brandon Bullet never got stage fright. The guy was a showboat.He went out of his way to sign autographs and take photos with fans. If they didn’t ask, he offered. If no one was there to greet the bus when they pulled into the hotel parking lot, the poor guy looked as if he had just lost his puppy.
“But that’s just me,” Brandon said reassuringly. “Everyone’s different.”
“I know. It’s just a lot to handle sometimes,” Travis admitted.“It can be crippling. I feel like I’m drowning at times, like someone is holding me underwater and I’m struggling to take a breath before I pass out. Other times, I hyperventilate. It’s as if I forget how to breathe. I’m so nervous before a show.” And it was only getting worse. The weight of it was getting too heavy.
“What’s to be nervous about? You know the music. It’s not your firstshow. You guys just spent three months touring.”
“I don’t know.” Travis couldn’t explain how the illogical fear paralyzed him, or why. “I guess I’m afraid something’s gonna go wrong and I’m gonna look incompetent.”
“It’s not all on you. You’re one of four people on stage. You’re a band. You carry each other. Anyone can falter. Inevitably, each one of you will fuck upat some point or another. No one’s infallible. It’s not a domino effect. It’s up to the others to catch the one that falls. You’re up there as a group.”
“It doesn’t feel like that.” Partly because his bandmates always blamed him when something went wrong. “I feel responsible because I’m the frontman. Everyone’s looking at me.”
“No they’re not. I’m on stage in an arenafull of 100,000 people sometimes. Do you think all of them are looking at me? No. They’re looking at each other, having side conversations, taking selfies, recording the show. People are rocking to Derek’s killer riffs and watching him head bang and whip his hair all over the fucking place. They’re mesmerized by the thump of Jeremy’s bass because they can feel it in their chest above the rest ofthe music. And then we have Alan motherfucking Delgado. Alan’s at the back of the stage, behind everyone, and he makes his presence known with that fucking double bass drum of his. It booms through the arena and rocks the earth. We all struggle to get noticed. That’s why I put on such an interactive show with the audience. I want them to remember me.”
Travis was taking it all in,listening to the wisdom of a seasoned international rock star, and absorbing the valuable tidbits of advice. When he didn’t respond, Brandon went on.
“I know it’s your voice in the air, but so is the guitar, the bass, and the drums. You’re all on stage together making the same music. No one is more important than the other, and you all shoulder the same responsibility. It’s not justyour show. It’s the band’s show.”
It all made perfect sense, but Travis knew that once the moments before the show approached, everything Brandon said would be forgotten, replaced by the anxiety that cut off his air supply. “But how do you overcome the fear? I mean, once I’m on stage I’m OK, but it’s beforehand. And I don’t just mean in the minutes before the show. I’m up most ofthe night worrying that it’s all gonna go to shit. I’m just waiting for the day I walk up to the mic and lose it, freeze, and nothing comes out of my mouth.”
Brandon sighed and squeezed Travis’ shoulder with his big mitt. “I wish I could help you with that, but you gotta figure that one out on your own. Or maybe talk to someone. A therapist or something.”
“That’s notfor me.” When Travis was a teen, one of the foster families had made him see a therapist. They were the only family who cared about him and wanted to help him deal with his out-of-control emotions. He was so fucking angry back then. Therapy hadn’t helped. The doctor had only wanted to overmedicate him and make him rehash bullshit from his childhood, and he wanted to leave the dysfunction in the past.Thinking about it brought up too many unhappy memories, and he chose to live in the now. No yesterday. No tomorrow. Just now. And right now, there was a sexy long-haired guitarist walking toward him whose arms he needed to fall into.
