Page 32 of Puck You Very Much
I wrung my hands like a wet towel. I wanted to ask the million-dollar question in the worst way but worried about what that would reveal about myself. So far, only Zane and I knew about what’d happened between us. Then again, Zane had the biggest mouth in Buffalo and might’ve blabbed about it to all of Western New York.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “that’s not really what I wanted to ask.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No, I was just wondering how it all happened. Like, how did it all come together?”
Levi stared out the windshield, steering with one hand on the wheel, and I wondered if he was debating whether to tell me anything. He hadn’t seemed ashamed of it—he talked about Quinn plenty and didn’t treat him like a dirty secret. His boyfriend also attended Lions games, but now Levi seemed oddly hesitant about speaking of him.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I said.
He shook his head, saying, “I didn’t see any of it coming, but I probably should have. I had a crush on Quinn from the timewe were kids. We went to the same elementary school. God, did I ever bully the shit out of him.”
“You did?”
“Fuck yeah, man. I didn’t know why I was doing it. I mean, I do now, but it made no sense at the time. And then when I finally gave in, all the shit that made no sense finally became clear.”
“So, you had no idea before?”
“I didn’t say I had no idea. You listening?”
“Uh, yeah.”
I struggled not to blush.
“I knew something was going on right along,” he said, “but I wouldn’t admit it in a million years, not even to myself.”
“How can that be, though?”
He shrugged. “Beats me. It’s funny, though. I probably thought about Quinn while jacking off more than anyone else, including women, but I wasn’t gay, I wasn’t bi, I didn’t really like guys, none of that shit.”
“Textbook denial, in other words.”
“Call it whatever you want. All I knew was that if I ignored it, and definitely didn’t give it a name, I wasn’t gay.”
“Also known as textbook denial.”
Levi smiled hugely but didn’t glance at me. His eyes stayed fixed on the road. I couldn’t rattle him, no matter what I said. Part of me would’ve considered that part and parcel of his denial but I knew better. Gossip hadn’t spread the news. Levi Dunn kissed Quinn Standish in front of everyone, opinions be damned.
That was just as well since no one on the team seemed to care. He was Levi Dunn, just like he’d always been. Teammates still pranked him in the shower like they had when they considered him totally straight. But that was Levi Dunn, wasn’t it? Would they be as kind and accepting if it was me?
But Zane and I weren’t a couple. I didn’t have to admit anything to everyone, and I certainly didn’t have to kiss him before an audience. Still, I hated bottling everything up. If nothing else, I needed to talk to someone who would understand.
“I don’t think it matters what you call it,” he said. “It all worked out okay in the end.”
“But did you hate his guts first?”
“No.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. I’m as sure as I can be that he hated me with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns right up until that point. Probably for a while after, too. I was his number one bully, remember?”
“How could I forget?”
“Anyway, I knew I had a thing for him and was totally sure he felt the same way about me. I couldn’t stop myself. I thought he was the most amazing-looking guy I’d ever seen. Smart as fuck, too. I really like that in a weird way. Yeah, he was a guy. That was the real roadblock, but I didn’t care what you called it. I wanted him. He resisted, so I kept on pushing. It eventually happened.”
“Quinn got a restraining order?”
