Page 74 of Puck You Very Much
Normally, I would’ve scolded myself for revealing so much truth, but that’d been no accident. I could’ve lied, but I wouldn’t. Icouldn’t. I wanted to be honest with him because that was how healthy relationships worked. Any other attitude would’ve been one hundred percent wrong.
“Listen,” I said, “it’s not as bad as it sounds. I said what I needed to say, at the time, mostly because I was under pressure. I can’t just give you the perfect answer I know you’ll want to hear on the spot, so I said what I needed to say to hold me over.”
“Hold you over to what? Actually saying the stuff you really wanted to say?”
“The stuff I really wanted tosayanddo. I needed to do that in my own way and my own time. I don’t apologize for feeling a little hesitant. The situation is new for me and I’ve had to find my way around—and you know that.”
“Same for me, dude.”
“Then you should definitely understand why it isn’t a cinch for me to just come out and say we’re boyfriends—or anything else I can’t take back once it’s left my mouth.”
Jakob’s eyes fell shut for a moment and he snuggled up closer to me, as if to remind me of what I would lose if I fucked this up. My life had changed so fast I swore my head was spinning. Part of me wanted to cling to the life I knew but my gut told me to let it all go.
I knew what I wanted to tell Jakob. In fact, I worried I would explode if I didn’t expel the words from my mouth. That was what he wanted me to do, right? Come right out and say it?
“Jakob, I want to tell you something.”
“What?” His voice diminished to a whisper.
I didn’t answer him right away. I knew what I wanted to say, and yet I couldn’t form the words. I didn’t even know the exact right words to use.
“Jakob, I want to be with you forever.”
Those weren’t my intended words, but they carried plenty of truth. Ididwant to be with Jakob until the end of time, no matter how much crap we would both have to endure to make it successful.
He squeezed my hand, saying, “I want to be with you until the end of time, too.”
When I sat up, I stared down at Jakob and wondered why saying something so powerful yet simple could feel so threatening.
“But that’s not all,” I said. “There’s something more.”
“Tell me.”
I’d said it to women tons of times, probably because I’d needed to say something to quell them, too. They usually said it to me first, and then I reciprocated, because I knew what kind of hell I would catch if I didn’t. But this was night-and-day different. If I form the words, I would actually mean them this time.
Have you ever tried to squeeze out toothpaste remains from the tube but come up woefully short?
We all have, I’d bet.
That was how I felt at that exact moment.
“I’ll tell you later,” I said.
Jakob’s eyes snapped open like he thought I couldn’t be serious.
“Wait a second,” he said, “you fed me all this bullshit about how you have something really important to tell me, and now you’re going leave me hanging?”
I rolled out of bed, stepped into my underwear, and pulled them up to my waist. That was the only way I could stall.
Like I said, actually saying it was harder than squeezing the last remaining toothpaste from the tube. Deep down, I knew that Jakob had landed in the exact same position.
30
JAKOB
Isat on the couch at Zane’s place, cuddled up with the Remington Riptide, and allowed him to tousle my hair with his fingers. As hot as our sex had been, I never would’ve expected to submit to tender moments like this. We watchedGhostbustersfrom 1984 as I used his chest for a pillow. He held me in his arms and made me feel safe. My heartrate slowed down, and I relaxed, wishing to be nowhere else on earth than in Zane’s arms.
Something had burned within me since yesterday. It wasn’t that I was mad at him for leaving me hanging. I knew what he wanted to say. Come on, people, I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. I needed him to say the words I’d longed to say, soIcould say them. Does that make sense?
